Fairyland

Jack’s Mother enters (SL) and marches to front not seeing Jack. The birds scatter off-stage.

Mother

What’s all that noise...(to audience) Was it you lot .Oh yes it were…(ad lib for Oh no it wasn’t) and what’yer doing here anyway Have you come for a pantomime …I’m not surprised – dressed like thatYou should be in it…you’ve not seen my dozy idle son have you (more ad lib for behind you etc) …..Oh there you are, Jack. Is the cow ill? I heard a most terrible compototion going on.

Jack

That were me singing, Mother.

Mother

Singing! I’ll give you singing. (she hits out with her rolling-pin but just misses Jack) Wasting your Mother’s precious time I thought you’d be at the Market by now. Oh, what it is to have such a dozy, idle son.

Jack

But Mother. One day , maybe I’ll make a record.

Mother

Record. Well it won’t be for the three minute mile. That’s for sure. How I rude the day I met your father. Like Father like son.

Jack

Was dad musical then, Mother?

Mother

Musical! He was stoned deaf. Stoned deaf he were Eh, it were like you two were cloves.

Jack

It's nice to know I'm like Dad though…Mum, you never did say why Dad went off at the same time as Beryl our young attractive voluptuous dairy maid.

Mother

We don't talk about your Dad, son.

Jack

Go on Mum. You never even mention his name.

Mother

Love were blind Jack. Love was blind. It were deaf and dumb as well. (loudly blowing nose into corner of apron) Blind Deaf, Dumb and half cribbled it were..Eeh But that were a long time ago. What’s more impertinant now is for you to take that mungy excuse of a cow to Market and get some money so that I can have a new dress for His Majesty’s Birthday Party. Well what are you waiting for? Next Christmas? (she exits left. Jack and the Cow start to follow but stops stage left)

Jack

Oh Ethel. What can I do. You're my only friend in the whole world, but Mother insists that you have to go.

They move back left Jack gives the cow a cuddle.Voices off-stage...

Children

(off) Ahhhhhhhhhh! (noise of children landing off-stage)

Peter and Rachael enter back looking rather shaken right followed by Lucy – they look around in amazement

Lucy

Oooh! I've hurt my ankle.

Rachael

(moving front right) Cor! Can this really be Fairyland?

Peter

Oh look – a cow. I didn't know they kept cattle down here. It's just like…(local country area)

Jack

(coming forward) I'll have you know this is Ethel. I have to take her to market and I'm so unhappy.

Rachael

I shouldn't think you'd get much for her she's all skin and bone.

Peter

They'd probably take her at…( local knackers yard or similar)

Jack

Come along Ethel don't listen to them. Maybe we'll find a nice home for you in…(nice local area)

Rachael

(going up to Jack) Don’t go We're here on a special Mission. Someone is going to steal the Kings Golden Medallion and we need to warn him. Can you help us?

Jack

Help you? No-one would think of helping Ethel or me would they? No-one cares that I have to sell the best friend I ever had. Brought up together we were like brother & sister .well calf sister but no-one cares. Just a cow they say....just a cow. (Jack & Ethel exit SR)

Lucy

I’ll bet that’s Jack from Jack and the beanstalk. He had to sell his cow you know.

Peter

That’s right and buy some beans that grew into a giant beanstalk....

Red Riding Hood enters (SL)

Red

…I'm sorry.. but we cannot have you spoiling the end of the story for these kiddies here. Jack hasn't even taken the cow to market yet let alone bought those beans.

Lucy

So I was right. It was Jack and I bet you’re Little Red Riding Hood.

Red

Well clever-clogs you’re hardly going to miss me in this outfit and it’s not so little I'm afraid. One cannot help helping oneself to some of the goodies. After all Granny’s going to snuff it when she’s eaten up by that wolf so it seems a waste not to indulge a little.

Rachael

It must be very exciting being Little Red Riding Hood.

Red

Well it's not. How would you like it. Back and forward to grannies everyday. Find the wolf in bed.' What big teeth you've got today...Granny...What a big nose you've got...Granny.' It's so predictable.

Rachael

So why do you do it then?

Red

Why do you go to school?

Peter

Listen. Maybe you could help us.

Red

Maybe I could. Maybe I couldn't.

Peter

What we want to know is, how do you find the King?

Red

A suicidal depressant at the moment I'm afraid.

Rachael

What Peter means is, we've got to find him. We've got to warn him Fairyland’s in great danger and Grizelda the Witch is the only one who can help him.

Red

Grizelda Graddlestick.. huh...that so called witch she's as much use as a fish in a bird cage. And what d’you mean real danger. You should meet the Wolf. That's what I call real danger. Especially when he's ready to pounce with that 'All the better to eat you with’

A hissing noise is heard off (SR) Red Riding Hood ignores it.

Lucy

There’s someone out there!

Red

No there's not.

Prince

Pssssttt!

Children

Oh Yes there is…(ad lib..maybe involve audience)

Red

Oh very well You can come out now. It’s Prince charming. He spends half of his life hiding from the Ugly sisters in case the shoe fits. I said, you can come out now!!!

The Prince enters from right looking nervously this way and that.

Prince

(enters cautiously) I say thanks awfully Wed I wasn't sure whether it was safe to come out wet.

Red

Let me tell you kids. Prince Charming came out a long time ago.

Rachael

This is unbelievable. First Jack, then you and now Prince Charming. Who else lives here?

Prince

Why evewyone who's evewyone. In Fairwyland.

Red

Little Bo Peep.. Sleeping Beauty...Little Jack Horner…

Prince

…And dear, dear, Cinderwella.

Red

Humpty Dumpty…although he's a bit cracked up at the moment. Alice threw the looking glass at him...Alice threw the…I knew. this audience were going to be hard work tonight.

Peter

So, Old King Cole must live here as well. We've got to see him.

Prince

Oh my pa- pa. He used to be so wonderful, but now he just wallows in misery. His life is one long depwession. He’s even talked of cancelling his birthday party this year.

Peter

That's why we're here. We have come to warn him two gangsters are going to steal his golden medallion and only Grizelda can help us stop them.

Red

Peter

Commotion off left

Prince

You need help! What about me? It's those Ugly Sisters again. Pwomise not to tell you saw me. Oh what a cwoss to bear to be so attwactive and desirable to the opposite sex >B>(dashes off right.

Red

Ugly Sisters enter (SL)

Sister 1

Which way did he go?

Children

We don't know...

Sisters

Oh yes you do!

Children

(encouraging audience) Oh no we don't!

Sisters

Oh yes you do!

Children

Oh no we don't!

Sister 1

What a rotten audience.

Sister 2

Half of them are asleep.

Sister 1

What about the other four?

Cinderella enters (SL) dragging two suitcases with her.

Sister 1

What kept you Cinders? If it hadn't been for you lagging behind we would have caught up with Prince Charming and he would have found the slipper fits me like a glove. (Cinderella plonks the case down) and do be careful with my make-up case girl.

Sister 2

Sister darling. You know jolly well it was my slipper that went missing at that bewitching hour.

Your slipper? Why you would hardly get it to fit onto your big toe dear.

Sister 2

Big Toe? Why, I seem to remember the last time we went shopping for footwear. The sales assistant suggested you try the Army and Navy store.