Doctor’s Surgery

Doctor

Send in the next patient please.

LJS enters.

Doctor

Ah, Mr Silver. What seems to be the problem?

LJS

I’m ‘aving some trouble with me stump Doc. Me old peg-leg seems to be causing a deal of chafing it does, arr!.

Doctor

Right, just hop up on the table and let’s have a look.

LJS makes a meal of it, but eventually gets settled on the edge of the table, with his wooden peg-leg dangling down. During this, another patient rushes in.

Patient

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a cat?

Doctor

How long has this been going on?

Patient

Ever since I was a kitten! (exits)

The Doctor opens her bag, produces a stethoscope and puts it to the wooden leg.

FX:

Sound of a woodpecker.

Doctor

Do you keep any other birds, apart from the parrot Mr Silver?

LJS

No Doc.

Doctor

Hmm! Very strange. I think we need to do some tests.

Doctor produces a huge eye test chart, with extremely large letters and holds it up. First line reads – A N E T. Second line – I C Y R O L. During this she looks at the chart and does not pay any attention to LJS or the characters coming in and out. LJS pays no attention to the Doctor only the characters coming in and out. For this scene to work, the entrances, exits and picking up of the cues have to be timed to perfection.

Doctor

Now can you read this line here? (points to the first letter)

Nurse enters and stands unnoticed by the Doctor.

Nurse

Would you like a drink Mr Silver?

LJS

Eh? (cupping his hand behind his ear – A)

Doctor

Good start.

Nurse

What would you like to drink?

LJS

Any tea!? (N-E-T)

Doctor

Very good. Try the next line.

Nurse exits, Squire enters.

Squire

Mr Silver I need to speak to you about tonight’s supper.

LJS

I see. (I-C)

Squire begins to leave

LJS

(calling after him) Why? (Y)

Squire exits without answering

Doctor

Excellent! Carry on.

Captain enters

Captain

Mr Silver, report to me on deck immediately.

LJS

Arr! (R)

Captain exits.

LJS

Oh ‘ell. (under his breath O-L)

Doctor

(turning to LJS) Well done Mr Silver. I am pleased to inform you that you have perfect eye sight.

LJS

Amazing!

Another patient rushes in.

Patient

Doctor, Doctor, I keep getting the urge to coveri myself in gold paint.

Doctor

Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!

Patient exits.

Doctor takes a mallet from her bag and taps the wooden leg.

FX:

High pitched ‘ouch!’ as if coming from peg-leg and helium induced.

Doctor taps the leg again.

FX:

High pitched ‘ouch!’.

Doctor then taps three times in quick succession followed by…

FX:

High pitched ‘ouch, ouch, ouch!’

Doctor

Ah, yes. I think we have it!

LJS

What is it Doc?

Doctor

Bad news I’m afraid.

LJS

Tell me straight Doc, I can take it. How long ‘ave I got left, before I go to that great ocean in the sky? (wails as if at deaths door)

Doctor

Stop being so melodramatic Mr Silver and pull yourself together. You have contracted a severe case of woodworm!

LJS

Woodworm?

Doctor

Yes, woodworm. But don’t worry, it is treatable. A 10 week course of creosote injections should do the trick. Nurse!

Nurse brings on a 3ft long prop syringe made from 3 inch drainpipe, with dowelling for a needle and passes it to the Doctor, who holds it up.

There is a look of horror on the face of LJS. From this moment on the pace quickens.

LJS

Shiver me timbers! Can I ‘ave a second opinion?

Doctor

Of course, you can. Come back tomorrow and I’ll tell you it again.

LJS

Do I gets an anaesthetic?

Doctor

No! (tapping the barrel of the syringe with her hand)

LJS

What about some painkillers? (panicking)

Doctor

Sorry, I’m afraid I have no painkillers left Mr Silver. (pushing the plunger in slightly to expel the air)

LJS

Why’s that?

Doctor

(pointedly) Because your Parrot’s ate ‘em all! (paracetamol)

LJS

Oh yes, paracetamol, very funny. This is hardly a time to be joking Doc!

Doctor

Who’s joking? Trousers down Mr Silver!

LJS

What?

Doctor

Oh stop being a baby! What are you, a man or a mouse?

LJS

Where’s the cheese? (makes a squeaking noise, hops off the table and scuttles out)

Doctor

Mr Silver, come back, Mr Silver . . !

She bumps into the Captain as he enters, the large syringe between them. They have an awkward moment.

Doctor

Oooh, Captain! (blushing)

Captain

Begging your pardon Ma’am. (touches his hat) That’s the lot, no more patients. So do we have a fit and healthy crew?

Doctor

I think it’s fair to say Captain that most of them old sea dogs are absolutely barking, but I’m sure we’ll survive. (exits)

Scuttle and Swab enter to clear away the table, stools and props

Dame enters.

Dame

Well hello!

Captain

If you are looking for the doctor Madam, I’m afraid you’re too late.

Dame

Oh dear and I wanted to talk to her about these dreams I’ve been having. You seem like a charming, upright gentleman, perhaps you could help me.

Captain

But I’m not a Doctor Madam, I really think . . .

Dame

Oh call me Hilda, please. (getting amorous, stroking the Captains hair, etc)

Captain

(flustered) Err…yes, right…so er…Hilda. I really think you should wait to see the Doctor.

Dame

Oh no, now don’t you worry. Sit yourself down and let me tell you all about it (pushes him onto chair)

Captain

Oh dear, she’s like hurricane in the tropics. You can see exactly where she’s going, but you can’t do a thing about it!

Dame

Right, now it all started with a problem down below.

Captain

Please madam!

Dame

Below decks, in my cabin. Ooh, I can see I’ll have to keep an eye on you shipmate! Now where was I, oh yes, I was in my cabin having a nap and I had this dream where I couldn’t stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home.

Captain

Well I’m not a professional, but that sounds like a severe case of Tom Jones syndrome to me.

Dame

Ooh! Is it common?

Captain

Well it’s not unusual.

Dame

And I’ve had other dreams with other songs…like this one.