Main Room At The Palace

Music cue 1: Chorus/Maids. After song ends…Senna Pod enters (SL)

Senna Pod

(singing) That’s the way uh-huh-uh-huh I like it uh-huh-uh-huh, that’s the way… (to Chorus) Oh hello you lot. I’m just practising my song for X-Factor.

Chorus 1

You’re going on X-Factor?

Senna Pod

Yes.

Chorus 2

Well if your singing’s anything like your cooking, you’ve got no chance.

Senna Pod

How dare you! My cuisine is the talk of the town.

Chorus 3

Only because, they’re trying to pass a law banning it.

Chorus laugh.

Senna Pod

(warning) Careful. I could always put something nasty in your shepherd’s pie.

Chorus 4

You always put something nasty in the shepherd’s pie.

Senna Pod

Get out of here you cheeky lot! (chases Chorus off SR then notices the audience) Oh, hello! I didn’t realise the palace was open for tourists yet. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mrs Pod, but you can call me Senna. And I’m the palace cook. Most of the staff here are quite a nice bunch – apart from Hannah the queen’s lady-in-waiting, that is. She’s always trying to get people in trouble with the queen. Luckily the queen’s too obsessed with her looks to take much notice. Every day she stands in front of a big mirror and asks it ‘who is the fairest of them all’. She ought to ask me, I could tell her right away it’s Princess Snow White. Now you might be wondering why she talks to a mirror. Well…(looks about furtively)…between you me and the bedpost, I’ve heard that it’s a ‘magic’ mirror and apparently it cannot tell a lie. Oh I couldn’t have that, could you girls? I mean, who wants a mirror that tells you the truth?

Hannah enters (USL)

Senna Pod

(to audience) Look what the cat’s dragged in.

Hannah

I want a word with you, Mrs Pod.

Senna Pod

(to audience) This is Hannah, the queen’s snitch. (to Hannah) What is it this time?

Hannah

Her majesty has been persuaded to try the GI plan.

Senna Pod

What’s that then? A new corner-suite from MFI?

Hannah

No, it’s the latest in healthy eating diets.

Snow White

What’s wrong with the diet she’s already on?

Hannah

You mean, apart from the fact that you cook it?

Senna Pod

Cheek!

Hannah

Take yesterday for instance. You gave her majesty beans on toast for breakfast, cabbage for lunch and curried eggs for tea.

Senna Pod

I’m only following the recipes in Gillian McKeith’s, (or other TV nutritionist expert) new book. We are what we eat you know.

Hannah

Yes, and after eating that lot, she had to see the doctor about a massive build up of wind.

Senna Pod

And what did he say?

Hannah

He said she had more gas reserves than the North Sea.

Senna Pod

I thought there was a funny smell in the palace recently. I just put it down to the drains. What’s she going go on a diet for anyway?

Hannah

She wants to fit into a size 10 dress in time for the royal banquet, to celebrate the king’s silver jubilee.

Senna Pod

But that’s only a fortnight away!

Hannah

Yes, and she expects to look like Kate Moss by then.

Senna Pod

Has she ever considered lipo-suction?

Hannah

I don’t know. I’ll just go and ask her. (turns to go)

Senna Pod

(pulls her back) Don’t bother. I like my head right where it is thank you – on top of my shoulders.

Hannah

Right then. I’ll go and tell her majesty to pick out a new size 10 frock ready for the banquet. But I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes if she can’t fit into it on the big day. (exits)

Senna Pod

(seething) Oooh! That woman! She’d like to see me minus my bonce. Mind you, even then I’d still have more sense than her.

Rose enters.

Rose

Hello Mrs Pod.

Senna Pod

Hello, Rose. (to audience) This is Rose. Lady-in-waiting to Princess Snow White.

Rose

Who are you talking to?

Senna Pod

(points to audience) That lot down there.

Rose

(looks at the audience) I didn’t realise the tourist season had started already.

Senna Pod

Actually, I don’t think they’re tourists at all.

Rose

Then what are they doing here?

Senna Pod

I don’t know. But they have just closed down the Salvation Army hostel.

Rose

Do you think they’re from the hostel then?

Senna Pod

They must be. I mean, look at the state of them. Especially him in the front row. He makes Bob Geldof look like Britain’s best dressed man..

Rose

It’s not their fault they happen to be down on their luck, Senna.

Senna

You make your own luck in this world. Take me for instance. I started out with nothing…

Rose

(aside to audience)…And still has most of it.

Senna Pod

Listen. I, am a self-made woman.

Rose

Well it’s very good of you to take the blame

Senna Pod

I could go off you.

Rose

I’m only joking Senna. (sniffs) What’s that strange smell?

Senna Pod

That’ll be my new perfume. It’s called ‘Moonlight Serenade’. The salesperson said that if I wore this, I’d have ‘men eating out of the palm of my hand’ and she was right.

Rose

Really?

Senna Pod

Yes, I’m so poor I can’t afford plates in my house.

Rose

At least you’re happy and that’s what counts.

Senna Pod

I’d rather be rich and unhappy. At least then I could be miserable in style.

Snow White enters (SR)

Snow White

(brightly) Hello you two!

Rose/Senna

Good morning your highness.

Senna Pod

(to audience) This is the Princess, Snow White. Isn’t she lovely?

Snow White

Oh Mrs Pod, you are a flatterer.

Senna Pod

I couldn’t flatter you enough my dear. (to audience) She’s such a sweet thing you know. Not like her stepmother the queen. She’s as sour as pickled lemons.

Rose

(to Princess) I’ve got two tickets for a ‘Take That’ concert your highness. Fancy coming with me?

Snow White

I’d love to Rose, but the queen never lets me go anywhere. She says it’s unseemly for a princess to mix with commoners.

Senna Pod

Well it’s not right. A princess should be out, clubbing – horse-riding – meeting handsome prince’s. Not shut up in a stuffy old palace. (to audience) Don’t you agree, boys and girls?

Pushup jogs on (SL) dressed like Sportacus from Lazytown.

Senna Pod

Oh look, it’s Sportacus from Lazytown.

Pushup

Fancy going for a run? Senna…Pod…run…ha-ha-ha! I made a joke then.

Senna Pod

Not as big as the one your mother and father made.

Pushup

(looking Senna up and down) Have you put on weight since yesterday?

Senna Pod

I may have added the odd ounce after that double kebab & chips I had last night. What’s it to you?

Pushup

You should eat healthy food, like me.

Senna Pod

Listen, Jamie Oliver. I like all my food deep-fried. Pineapple rings, onion rings, potato rings…mind you, I sometimes feel as though I’m frittering my life away. Ha-ha-ha! (to audience) Frittering my life away? Oh, please yourselves. But it’s the best joke you’re going to hear tonight.

Rose

Why don’t you go and have a word with your father, your highness? Maybe you can persuade him to let you go to the concert.

Snow White

But my stepmother will be furious if I go behind her back.

Senna Pod

Take no notice of the old wind-bag, your highness.

Snow White

All right then. Come along Rose.

Snow White and Rose exit (SL)

Pushup

You shouldn’t encourage the princess to defy the queen.

Senna Pod

Oh shut up, muscle brain.

Pushup

You shut up!

Senna Pod

No, you shut up!

Pushup

Oh, grow up stupid!

Senna Pod

I did grow up, stupid! (realises) I mean…

Pushup

Ha-ha! Gotcha!

Senna Pod

(to audience) Never argue with an idiot – they’ll only drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Pushup

Yeah and I’ve got plenty. (pointing to audience) Who are this lot then?

Senna Pod

I think they’ve only come in out of the rain.

Pushup

They certainly are a flabby looking lot. And you know what they say. A healthy body equals a healthy mind. (looks at his watch) I’ve just got time to do a keep-fit session with them.

Senna Pod

(to audience) I’ll bet you’re sorry you came now, aren’t you?

Pushup

You can join in too, Senna.

Senna Pod

I’d love to, but I can’t I’m afraid.

Pushup

Why not?

Senna Pod

I’ve got a bad back.

Pushup

Your front doesn’t look too good either.

Senna Pod

Cheek! I’ll just watch and be ready with the de-fibrillator.

Pushup

(to audience) Right you lot, it’s time to whip you into shape. Everyone, on your feet. (hopefully most of the audience will stand) We’ll start off with a gentle warm-up exercise. I’ll count to three and shout ‘wave’ and I want to see a Mexican wave going from the front row all the way to the back row. Ready? One…two…three, wave! That wasn’t very good was it? We’ll do it again, and this time I want to see a wave I could surf on. Ready? One…two…three, wave!

Senna Pod

I’d put your surfboard away if I were you. I think the tides just gone out.