Scene Seven

The Butcher’s Shop

There is a counter, a till, lumps of meat and a huge sausage machine. There is also a large bucket containing all the disgusting sausage ingredients. A long queue of people is waiting to be served. The butcher’s wife is turning the handle on the sausage machine and sausages are churning out.

Customer

How much longer are those sausages going to be?

Butcher

About another inch should do it.

Butcher’s wife

You can’t beat a good sausage!

Butcher

What would you like, Madam?

Customer 1

Six sausages please.

Butcher

Six sausages coming up. (he points off stage) Ooh, look! There’s a big giraffe!

All turn to see the ‘giraffe’ and the Butcher throws a huge rat into the sausage machine as his wife turns the handle furiously and sausages churn out of the spout.

All

Giraffe? What giraffe? There’s no giraffe out there! Etc.

Butcher

Must have gone. (he cuts off six sausages, wraps them and customer 1 pays) Next please.

Customer 2

Eight sausages please.

Butcher

Eight sausages coming up.

Butchers Wife

Ooh, look! There’s Princess Aurora jogging past.

All turn to see ‘Aurora’ and a hedgehog goes in.

All

Princess Aurora? Where? We can’t see her… etc.

Butchers Wife

She was jogging awful fast.

Customer 2 pays.

Butcher

Next!

Customer 3

(he carries a fishing rod and a bucket of very wriggly worms) Five sausages please.

Butcher

Going fishing?

Customer 3

Yep! Got a whole bucket of worms to catch ‘em.

Butcher

Five sausages coming up.

Butchers Wife

Ooh, look! There’s David Beckham on a big pink elephant!

Two handfuls of wriggly worms go in.

All

Where? There’s nobody there. I can’t see him… etc.

Butchers Wife

He fell off.

Butcher

Next.

Customer 4

I don’t think there was anybody there. I think you’ve been putting horrible things in our sausages when we’re not looking.

Butcher

We would never do anything like that!

All

Oh, yes you would!

Bring audience into this and work as long as possible.

M Hubbard, Woofless and Billy & Willy enter.

Billy

Make way! Make way!

Willy

Palace guards on sausage getting duty. Make way.

Customer 4

You can’t just push in like that.

Customer 5

Get to the back of the queue!

Customer 4

I haven’t had my sausages yet.

M Hubbard

This is very himportant sausage buying for the king’s tea. Hexcuse me please. (pushes to the front and addresses the butcher) Thirty-seven of your very finest sausages for the king’s tea, my good man. And make ‘em lean.

Butcher

Which way?

M Hubbard

I don’t care which way. Just give me thirty-seven sausages and make it quick.

Butcher

Thirty-seven? That’ll need a lot of meat!

The bucket of disgusting ingredients is empty. Butcher and wife search around for something to put in. Their eyes alight on Woofless who is peering into the top of the sausage machine.

Butcher

Thirty-seven sausages coming up.

Butchers Wife

Ooh, look! There’s a traffic warden looking happy!

All turn to look and Butcher and Wife try to tip Woofless in. M Hubbard turns and sees them.

M Hubbard

Leave my Woofless alone, you nasty people.

Woofless is dropped. He grabs a string of sausages and runs around then out pursued by all except M Hubbard.

Barbara enters unseen and in disguise.

M Hubbard

Oh, bless him! My Woofless likes a nice sausage. Not as much as bones though. He loves bones more than anything in the world.

Barbara

Loves bones does he? I can show you where your doggy could find enough bones to keep him happy for the rest of his life.

M Hubbard

Ooh he’d like that. Where can we find them?

Barbara

In a secret part of the royal palace.

M Hubbard

Fancy that! I work in the palace!

Barbara

My, what a coincidence. Would you like me to show you the secret place?

M Hubbard

Ooh yes please. I don’t think those sausages will last very long.

Barbara

Very well. I shall call at the palace tomorrow. (a thought) But how rude of me! I haven’t been invited and I always feel that etiquette is so important, don’t you? Sadly I must wait until I’m invited. Poor doggy!

M Hubbard

Oh, don’t wait. Woofless is always hungry. I invite you to come to the palace tomorrow.

Barbara

You’re inviting me into the palace?

M Hubbard

Ooh dear! Poor Woofless is frightened of thunder. I’d better find him. (exits)

Barbara

Invited into the palace by stupid Mother Hubbard! Now nothing can stop my evil scheme. Hahahahaha. (exits)