The Palace Kitchens

Music cue 15: Palace Maids. After song ends…

Pepper enters (SR)

Pepper

Out of here you lot!

Maid

We have to practice somewhere.

Pepper

Not in my kitchen you don’t. I am most particular about hygiene.

Maid

That’s not what I’ve heard.

Pepper

And just what do you mean by that?

Maid

Well I wouldn’t eat the ratatouille for a start.

Pepper

Why you! (picks up a frying-pan)

Maid

Run!

Maids run off (SR)

Pepper

(shouts) Mr Salt! Where are you?

Salt

(off) I’m in the cellar!

Pepper

Well shake yourself, I have a banquet to prepare.

FX:

Sound of feet running up steps.

Salt enters (SL)

Salt

You mean we have a banquet to prepare.

Pepper

All right, I’ll do the cooking and you can do the washing up.

Salt

Well if I do the cooking there won’t be any washing up.

Pepper

How come?

Salt

Because everyone will like it so much they’ll lick their plates clean.

Pepper

Are you trying to say you’re a better cook than me?

Salt

Well put it this way. If you went on that TV cookery programme, they'd have to rename it ‘Can’t Cook’ And (POINTS AT PEPPER) ‘Can’t Cook For Toffee!

Pepper

Cheek!

Pepper hits Salt with the frying-pan.

FX:

Whacking sound.

Salt

Two can play at that game!

Salt grabs the other frying-pan and they hit each other in turn.

FX:

Whacking sounds.

Valet enters (SR)

Valet

Mr Salt! Mrs Pepper! What are you doing?

Salt & Pepper stop fighting – Salt runs to other side of table.

Pepper

We’re just discussing the menu for the royal ball.

Valet

And have you settled on what you’re cooking for the big day?

Pepper

Yes…Just as soon as I catch him.

Pepper chases Salt around the table.

Valet

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Salt & Pepper stop.

Valet

The King wants to know what the menu is.

Pepper

It's a big cardboard thing with writing on it.

Salt

You’ll have to excuse her. She's like her custard. Thick and lumpy. (hands a menu to Valet) Here is my menu.

Pepper

He pinched it from Joe’s transport café. I only hope everyone likes egg-n-chips

Salt

I think you’ll find it extremely exciting.

Pepper

Only if you like living dangerously.

Valet

What did you two do before you were cooks at the palace?

Salt

We used to run a little restaurant in the village. But It went bust because of our names.

Valet

Salt-n-Pepper sounds quite a nice name for a restaurant.

Pepper

Yes, but he insisted on calling it after our first names.

Valet

And what are your first names?

Pepper

Well he’s Sam and I’m Ella.

Valet

Sam-n-Ella? (salmonella) Oh dear, I see what you mean.

Dame Thyme

(off) Cooeee!

Pepper

Oh no, it’s Dame Thyme!

Valet

(panics) I’m off!

Valet exits (SR)

Dame Thyme enters (SL)

Pepper

What can we do for you Dame Thyme?

Dame Thyme

How would you like to buy some of my lovely fresh beetroot?

Pepper

We've already fed the Pigs thank you.

Dame Thyme

Cheek!

Salt

Are they organic?

Dame Thyme

(sarcastically) No they’re plastic.

Pepper

What he means, is are they approved by the soil association?

Dame Thyme

Well they grew in soil if that's what you mean.

Pepper

(to Salt) I think she's been at the weedkiller again.

Salt

Have you ever used genetic engineering?

Dame Thyme

Certainly not! (hoists her chest) I’m just as nature intended.

Salt

Let’s have a look then.

Dame Thyme

What! In front of all these people?

Salt

I only want to see what they look like.

Dame Thyme

But I hardly know you!

Salt

Look. Just show us your beetroots!

Dame Thyme

Oh I see! (opens the bag) Feast your eyes on these.

Salt looks in the bag.

Salt

Right. We’ll take two dozen.

Dame Thyme

I knew you’d appreciate quality, I'll just leave them in the scullery on the way out. (to audience) See you later folks.

Dame Thyme exits (SL)

Pepper

Why did you do that? You know her stuff’s rubbish.

Salt

Yes, but I thought we could blame her if anyone gets food poisoning.

Pepper

Which is highly likely if you’re doing the cooking.

Salt

(snaps) Don’t start all that again!

Valet, Sage & Onion enter E SR)

Pepper

(Points to Sage & Onion) Who are they?

Valet

Two new cooks. They’ve just been hired to help you with the banquet.

Pepper

We don’t need any help.

Valet

It’s by order of his majesty.

Salt

(to Sage) Have you got the credentials?

Onion

No, it’s just the way he walks.

Sage

I believe in hands on experience.

Pepper

(hoists her chest) Well you’re not going to experience anything of mine.

Sage

Suits me. I’m only here to cook

Salt

(to Onion) How’s your pastry?

Onion

You name it, and I can make it.

Pepper

Choux?

Onion

Only if you show me yours first. (winks at Pepper)

Pepper

(outraged) I beg your pardon!?

Sage

It’s just his little joke. Ask him another.

Salt

Flaky?

Sage

Yes, but it doesn't affect his baking.