The Market Place In Old Tangiers

Music cue 1: Chorus and Dancers After song ends…Dancers exit and Chorus stay on stage milling about picking up various items from the stalls

Ali enters (SR)

Ali

Hiya kids! (little response – looks out over the audience) I know you’re out there, I can hear you breathing. You don’t need to worry about making a noise. This is Tangiers, not Baghdad. Now let’s all try making friends shall we. Every time I come on I’ll shout ‘hiya boys and girls! And I want you to all shout back ‘Ali, Ali! let’s get pally!’. Let’s try it shall we.(exits and re-enters)Hiya boys and girls!

Audience

Ali, Ali! Let’s get pally!

Ali

Who said ‘Ali, Ali! You’re a wally?

Dame Drachma enters (SL) pulling on a rope leading into the wing.

Drachma

Move your carcass you cantankerous camel! (spots Ali) Ah, there you are Ali. I’ve looked everywhere for you.

Ali

You can’t have.

Drachma

Why not?

Ali

‘Cos you didn’t look where I was.

Drachma

Shut up and give me a hand with Humpy.

Ali

(gives a hand pulling on the rope – strains) Nnngh! Has he put on weight recently?

Drachma

Yes. I blame the landlord of ‘The Bent Turban’ for always leaving a bucket of beer slops outside the back door.

Ali

I know how to make him move. (takes sugar lump from his pocket) Here Humpy, I’ve got a nice sugar lump for you.

Humpy rushes on making the rope go slack and Drachma falls over.

Drachma

(picks herself up) You did that on purpose, you devious camel! (to Humpy) Now listen to me, Humpy. If you don’t start pulling your weight around here soon, it’s the Kit-E-Kat factory for you!

Humpy’s legs sag.

Ali

(encourages audience to sympathise) You can’t sell Humpy to the Kit-E-Kat factory!

Humpy perks up.

Drachma

And why not?

Ali

Because I’ve promised the glue factory first refusal.

Humpy’s body sags.

Drachma

Either way, we won’t be stuck with him. (to audience) Stuck?…Glue? (to Ali) You’re right, this lot are going to be hard work. (to Humpy) Now come along Humpy, I’ve got you booked to carry twenty tourists to the pyramids across 10 miles of scorching desert.

Ali

He’ll never manage to carry twenty people across 10 miles of scorching desert!

Humpy shakes his head in agreement.

Drachma

Not all at once you fool! Come on Humpy, let’s get you saddled up.

Humpy shakes his head and runs off. Ali and Drachma chase him around the stage before catching him.

Drachma

I’m beginning to lose patience with you, Humpy!

Ali

Since when have you ever had patience? Last week you made us walk out on a play because you couldn’t wait for the second half to start.

Drachma

Well I wasn’t going to sit there for three days, was I?

Ali

What do you mean – three days?

Drachma

Well after the first act ended, I looked at the program and it said ‘Act Two – Three Days Later’.

Ali

In that case, I don’t blame you. Anyway, how come you’ve started carrying tourists about the place?

Drachma

We need the money. I’m weeks behind with the rent, and the landlord is threatening to throw us out if I don’t pay up. Maybe we should get another camel.

Humpy nods frantically and whispers to Ali.

Ali

Humpy says he’d like us to get a female camel.

Drachma

Forget it Humpy. What you’re thinking is impossible.

Humpy whispers to Ali.

Ali

He says ‘why is it impossible’?

Drachma

Because…(whispers to Ali)

Ali

I don’t remember you taking him to the vets.

Humpy puts his head between his front legs and looks backwards – then suddenly straightens up and crosses his back legs.

Ali

I think it’s a bit too late for that, Humpy.

Humpy starts to bash into Drachma.

Drachma

What’s the matter with him now?

Ali

I think he’s taken the hump. (to audience) Taken the hump?…Camel?…Oh forget it. (to Humpy) Don’t worry Humpy, what you’ve never had, you’ll never miss.

Drachma

(aside to audience) And he should know.

Humpy starts to exit.

Drachma

‘Ere, where do you think you’re going?

Humpy whispers to Ali.

Ali

He says, he’s off to ‘The Bent Turban’ for a bevvy.

Humpy exits.

Drachma

Well I hope he doesn’t expect me to carry him home. I had enough of that with your father.

Ali

I don’t ever remember dad. You never did tell me what happened to him.

Drachma

Your father was a sailor, like Sinbad. We meet when he joined the ship I was working on as cook. We had a whirlwind romance. I was in a whirl and he had wind. Anyway, two weeks and several air fresheners later we got married. From then on it was all downhill. On our wedding day, I turned to him and said ‘will you still love me when I’m old and grey’? And he replied ‘of course I do’. And when I asked if he’d like to carry me over the threshold. He said ‘where am I going to get a forklift at this time of night’? Then he got posted to another ship and we gradually drifted apart. A few months later, I heard that his ship sank in a terrible storm with no survivors.

Ali

Poor dad. It’s horrible to think of him lying somewhere on the sea-floor.

Drachma

Well, he always was used to lying on the floor. Usually the one outside ‘The ‘Bent Turban’. Still, life goes on. And it would be a lot easier if you got a job.

Ali

I have looked, mum.

Drachma

Well try looking closer. I can’t even remember the last job you had.

Ali

I was a bouncer at the Early Learning Centre.

Drachma

Oh yes, that’s right. So why did you give it up?

Ali

The work was too hard.

Drachma

Hard work never killed anyone

Ali

Well I don’t want to be the first. Anyway, how come you don’t go on at Sinbad about getting a job?

Drachma

Because he’s busy sailing around the world seeking his fame and fortune.

Ali

Well he hasn’t managed it so far, and he’s been on dozens of trips abroad.

Drachma

At least he brings me back some nice prezzies from his travels.

Ali

So do I. I brought you back a present from Blackpool, remember?

Drachma

Oh yes, I remember. A stick of rock with ‘Blickpool’ running through it.

Ali

Is it my fault they employed a dyslexic letterer?

Drachma

Why don’t you become a sailor like Sinbad? At least then I wouldn’t have you getting under my feet all day.

Ali

You know I suffer from seasickness. Remember that time I was sick just crossing the bridge over…(name of local river)…?

Drachma

I don’t think I’ll ever forget. And neither will all those people in that rowing boat who were directly below, when you threw up over the handrail.

Ali

The funny thing is, I’ve never eaten carrots in my life.

Landlord enters.

Ali

Eh-up, it’s Lurkio the landlord!

Drachma

I wonder what he wants.

Landlord

Ah, Dame Drachma. I’ve found you at last.

Drachma

I didn’t know I was lost.

Landlord

I’m glad you can still joke at a time like this.

Drachma

A time like what?

Landlord

Well, you’ve no doubt heard of the credit crunch.

Drachma

Heard of it! I’ve been living it for the past twenty years.

Landlord

Then you know how hard it is to come by money.

Drachma

Are you kidding? The last time I opened my purse, so many moths flew out people thought it was a solar eclipse. Oh it’s such a burden being poor.

Landlord

Then allow me to ease your burden.

Ali

You’re going to reduce the rent?

Landlord

No, I’m throwing you out. That way you won’t have to worry about paying rent anymore. Apart from what you already owe me of course.

Drachma

How much do I owe you?

Landlord

Let me see now…(counting on his fingers)…Three weeks rent, plus late charges at 50% compound interest. Plus wear and tear…that comes to exactly…£500!

Drachma

I haven’t got that sort of money!

Landlord

Well what sort do you have?

Drachma

Hang on and I’ll see. No peeking! (turns away and takes a £5 note from her bosom which is attached to her bra with a piece of elastic) Here you are! (hands the money to Landlord)

Landlord

Is that all?

Drachma

What do you mean ‘is that all’?

Landlord

Well, a fiver isn’t going to go very far is it? Still, it’s a start.

The Landlord attempts to put the five pound note in his wallet, at which point Drachma smartly retrieves it and pops it back into her bra.

Drachma

Come to mama!

Landlord

Give that back at once!

Drachma

No chance.

Landlord

Then I’ll just have to get it myself.

Drachma

You wouldn’t dare lay a finger on me.

Landlord

Normally, no. But when money is involved, I’ll tackle anything – even you.

Drachma

In that case, I’m off! (runs off)

Landlord

Come back here! (runs after her)

A chase ensues and around the stage – eventually the Landlord catches her.

Landlord

(grabs Dame) Got you at last!

Drachma

(begins to dance with him) Is this a gentleman’s excuse me, or are we practising for ‘Strictly Come Dancing’?

Landlord

Hand it over, or else!

Drachma

Oooh, I love a forceful man! Take me, I’m all yours.

Landlord

I don’t want you. Just your money. Now hand it over!

Drachma

Never?

Landlord

Right! (begins to wrestle with her trying to get at the money)

Drachma

(battering him) Get your filthy hands of me!

A Policeman enters.

Policeman

‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello! What’s going on here then?