Scene One

Scrooge’s Chocolate Factory

Music cue 1: Bob Cratchit and workers. After song ends…

Jan Butty enters pushing on a tea-trolley which has on it a small box covered in Christmas wrapping and topped with a big bow.

Jan Butty

Tea’s up! Come and get it while it’s hot!

Bob and the other Workers gather round.

Worker 1

Oh, I’m ready for a nice cup of tea.

Worker 2

Then you’re wasting your time drinking Jan’s.

Jan Butty

Cheek! Just for that, you can keep your hands off my ginger-nuts.

Worker 2

I wouldn’t touch your ginger-nuts if you paid me. The last time I bit into one I lost three teeth.

Jan Butty

You’ll lose the rest of them, if you criticise my tea again.

Bob Cratchit

Who’s the present for, Jan?

Jan Butty

It’s a secret. I’m just looking for somewhere safe to leave it to stop anyone peeking at it before Christmas day. I know. (she takes the present and places it at the front corner of the stage) There, that’ll do. Now you lot can keep an eye on it for me.

Bob Cratchit

Sorry Jan. We’re going to be too busy packing and stacking. Why don’t you ask this lot…(indicates audience)…to watch it for you instead?

Jan Butty

What a good idea. (to audience) And so original. (to audience) Would you lot look after this prezzie for me? (audience respond) Great. Now I want you to warn me if anyone goes near it, will you do that for me?

Bob Cratchit

They don’t sound too sure, Jan.

Jan Butty

Right then, we’d better have a practice. (to audience) I’ll go off and Bob here will go to touch my box. And when he goes near it, I want you all to shout ‘snowballs’ and I’ll come running. Ok? (exits)

Bob goes to touch the prezzie and audience shout ‘snowballs’. After a few seconds Jan walks on.

Jan

Did they shout, Bob?

Bob Cratchit

Yes Jan.

Jan Butty

Well I couldn’t hear anything. Let’s have another go. (to audience) And this time I want you to shout loud enough to wake the dead. (exits)

Bob goes to touch the prezzie and audience shout ‘snowballs’. Jan immediately runs on.

Jan Butty

(to audience) Brilliant!

Worker 2

(searching the trolley) Have you got any milk, Jan?

Jan Butty

No, I have a phobia about milk.

Worker 3

Since when?

Jan Butty

Since the last time I tried drinking it and received a nasty shock.

Bob Cratchit

Why? What happened?

Jan Butty

The cow sat on me. Now, what would you like to eat?

Worker 4

I’d like a sandwich.

Jan Butty

What sort?

Worker 4

The sort that’s made of bread.

Worker 1

Any chance of a bacon sarnie?

Jan Butty

Sorry, bacon’s off.

Bob Cratchit

How come?

Jan Butty

The butcher backed into the bacon-slicer and got a little behind with the order. (laughs) Ha-ha-ha! Have a ham sandwich instead. (hands him a breadcake)

Worker 1

Thanks. (bites into the sandwich) Owah! There’s something hard in this sandwich! (opens breadcake and takes out a pair of false teeth) Uggh! False teeth!

Jan Butty

I wondered where they’d gone. (takes the teeth) They’re my best pair.

Worker 1

That’s the first time my food has ever bitten back.

Worker 2

Could I have a cheese sandwich, Jan?

Jan Butty

Certainly. What sort would you like?

Worker 2

Well I’m quite partial to a bit of stilton.

Jan Butty

(passes worker a ‘breadcake’) Here you are then.

Worker 2

(is about to take a bite – then stops) Hang on a minute. (opens sandwich and takes out an old sock) What’s this?

Jan Butty

Oh, it’s one of Scrooge’s smelly old socks. I left in it overnight and must have forgotten to take it out.

Worker 3

Why on earth did you leave a smelly old sock in a cheese sandwich?

Jan Butty

Well how else do you think they make stilton?

Worker 4

Old Scrooge is right. You are a useless cook.

Jan Butty

Rubbish! I learnt everything I know from Jamie Oliver’s very first cookery book.

Bob Cratchit

You mean ‘The Naked Chef’?

Jan Butty

That’s right. Mind you, it’s a bit hair-raising cooking in the all-together. Chopping carrots was a bit dicey, and I daren’t go near the chip-pan.

Worker 1

And we daren’t eat anything off your trolley.

Jan Butty

Suit yourselves.

Worker 2

(drinks tea and pulls a face) Ugggh! (to Jan) What do you call this, Jan?

Jan Butty

‘Tea’. What do you call it?

Worker 2

I can’t say, there’s kids in tonight.

Jan Butty

It’s not my fault it’s as weak as gnat’s water. Old Scrooge only allows me one tea-bag for the whole week.

Bob Cratchit

But one tea-bag won’t last a whole week, Jan.

Jan Butty

I know. That’s why I’ve had to keep drying it out and re-using it.

All

Uggghh!

Jan Butty

Think yourselves lucky. I’m re-using last week’s teabag for this lot’s (indicates audience) tea-break.

Bob & the others place their cups back on the trolley.

Worker 3

You’d think old Scrooge would make an exception for Christmas.

Jan Butty

Huh! There’s more chance of a politician telling the truth, than Ebeneezer Scrooge making an exception for Christmas.

Worker 3

Look Jan, we work hard and are entitled to a tea-break with proper tea!

Jan Butty

If I were you I’d take it up with your union rep.

Bob Cratchit

(nervously) Oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea Jan.

Jan Butty

And why not?

Bob

Because every time we elect a union rep, Mr Scrooge immediately sacks them.

Jan Butty

And who has been elected union rep this time?

Workers

(all point to Bob) Bob Cratchit!

Bob Cratchit

Sssshh! Not so loud. Mr Scrooge might hear you!

Worker 4

Whatever happened to ‘power to the workers’?

Bob Cratchit

That’s all well and good, but I can’t afford to get sacked. I’m still paying Mr Scrooge back for a loan he gave me to buy a new crutch for Tiny Tim. If I keep up the repayments I should have it paid off by next Christmas.

Jan Butty

The old skinflint. I’ve never known anyone as mean as him. Do you know, last week he even threatened to evict me.

Bob Cratchit

Be fair Jan, you did pay your rent with Monopoly money.

Worker 1

How did you expect to get away paying old Scrooge with pretend money?

Jan Butty

I was hoping he’d pretend not to notice.

Bob goes over to a cardboard box – picks it up and brings it forward.

Worker 2

What’s in the box, Bob?

Bob Cratchit

It’s just a few Christmas decorations. We can use them to brighten up the place for the staff party.

Worker 3

How can you afford decorations? Old Scrooge doesn’t pay us enough to live on, let alone buy decorations.

Bob Cratchit

My kids made them last night. It’s only a few paper-chains made out of old newspaper, but it’s better than staring at these bare walls.

Worker 4

These walls remind me of Mr Scrooge.

Bob Cratchit

How do you mean?

Worker 1

They’re cold, grey and hard.

Worker 2

But old Scrooge might sack us if we put decorations up. He hates anything to do with Christmas.

Bob Cratchit

Oh, I’m sure he won’t mind.

Jan Butty

I wouldn’t bet on it. He didn’t win the ‘Meanest Man In Britain’ contest for nothing, you know.

Worker 3

But it’s not as if he’s paying for them, is it?

Bob Cratchit

Of course not. Now cheer up everyone, Christmas is a wonderful time of year. Let’s enjoy ourselves! Music cue 2: Bob & Workers. After song ends…

Scrooge enters (SL)

Scrooge

What’s going on here? I pay you lazy rabble to work, not entertain yourselves! (pulls decorations from the box) What’s this?

Worker 4

It’s just a few decorations for the staff party, Mr Scrooge.

Scrooge

Staff party?

Bob Cratchit

I thought it might be a nice to hold a Christmas party for all the workers, sir.

Scrooge

Forget it Cratchit. You’re not holding a party in my time.

Worker 1

But It doesn’t start until after work has finished for the day.

Scrooge

And just how do you expect to hold a party in the dark?

Bob Cratchit

In the dark, Mr Scrooge?

Scrooge

Well you don’t think you’re going to use my lighting and heating, do you?

Jan Butty

Heating? That’s a laugh. I’m only allowed to put one piece of coal a day in the stove, to keep the whole factory warm.

Scrooge

Well I can’t see you feeling the cold. You’ve got more layers of fat than a walrus.

Jan Butty

Cheek! Everyone tells me I have the body of a super-model.

Scrooge

Super-tanker more like.

Worker 2

Well I agree with Jan. It’s perishing in here.

Scrooge

You won’t need to worry about that in future.

Worker 2

You mean we can use as much coal as we like?

Scrooge

No, I mean you’re sacked! Now get out!

Worker 4 hangs his head and trudges off.

Scrooge

(to Bob) Put him down for eviction, Cratchit.

Jan Butty

You’re not going to evict him as well are you?

Scrooge

Of course. Now that he’s unemployed he won’t be able to repay his mortgage. Now get those decorations down, or you can forget your Christmas bonus!

Worker 3

We’re getting a Christmas bonus!?

Scrooge

Yes.

Worker 3

(excited) Oh, what is it?

Scrooge

(snaps) Having a job on Boxing Day! Now get back to work the lot of you! (to Jan) And you, get back to your kitchen!

Jan Butty

Don’t worry I’m going. I just hope I don’t bump into that ghost again.

Scrooge

What are you talking about? Have you been at the cooking-sherry again?

Jan Butty

No I have not. I saw a ghost in the kitchen yesterday and it looked uncannily like your old partner, Jacob Marley.

Scrooge

Jacob? You must be going crackers! Perhaps I should have you certified.

Jan Butty

I’d rather be certified than mummified, like you. (to audience) He looks like a freeze-dried prune, doesn’t he boys and girls?

Audience

Yes!

Scrooge

(to audience) You lot keep your mouths shut! (to Jan) And you get back to your kitchen, before I replace you with a vending machine!

Jan Butty

Ooooh! One day you’ll live to regret being so hard and mean, Ebeneezer Scrooge. You mark my words. (exits with trolley)

Scrooge

How can I regret a life that has seen me rise from nothing, to being the richest man in London? (to workers) You lot, go and clear all the ice from the factory path. I don’t want customers falling over and breaking their legs.

Workers exit.

Bob Cratchit

It’s very thoughtful of you to think of other people’s safety like that, Mr Scrooge.

Scrooge

Bah! I couldn’t care less about other people’s safety.

Bob Cratchit

Then why are you getting the workers to clear the path of ice?

Scrooge

Have you ever tried selling stuff to someone writhing on the floor in agony, with a broken leg?

Bob Cratchit

No, sir.

Scrooge

Well I have. And it isn’t easy, I can tell you.

(off) Music cue 3: Carol Singers

Scrooge

See who’s making that infernal noise, Cratchit!

Bob Cratchit

Yes Mr scrooge.

Cratchit opens door to a group of Carol Singers.

Scrooge

Well, who is it?

Bob Cratchit

It’s a group of carol singer’s sir.

Scrooge

Show them in.

Bob Cratchit

(surprised) Yes sir!

Carol Singers enter. Music cue 4: Carol Singers After song ends…

Dickens

Merry Christmas to you Mr Scrooge.

Scrooge

Bah, humbug!

Dickens

Christmas, humbug? I don’t think so, sir.

Scrooge

What is your name?

Dickens

Charles Dickens.

Scrooge

Tell me Mr Dickens. Do you have a licence for singing in a built up area?

Dickens

You don’t need a licence for carol singing, sir.

Scrooge

Well you ought to – disturbing people’s peace and quiet with your caterwauling!

Dickens

But its Christmas, sir! It’s traditional to sing carols at this time of the year.

Scrooge

Well Mr Dickens, you’re trespassing. Now get off my property before I call the police!

Dickens

(to audience) I believe I may have found the subject for my next book. I think I’ll call it ‘A Christmas Carol’. (to singers) Come along everyone, I’m afraid we’ll get nothing here.

Carol Singers exit and Scrooge walks to centre stage and leers at the audience who are booing him (hopefully)

Scrooge

(to audience) And what are all you lot gawking at? Haven’t you anything better to do than sit on your lazy backsides? (to Cratchit) Who let this riff-raff in?

Bob Cratchit

They’re here to see the show, sir.

Scrooge

Using my heating to get warm more like. Throw them all out, Cratchit!

Bob Cratchit

I can’t do that, sir.

Scrooge

And why not?

Bob Cratchit

The producer had all the doors locked in case anyone tried leaving early and asked for a refund. One woman tried climbing out the toilet window, but the steward managed to drag her back in when she got stuck.

Scrooge

Who was it?

Bob Cratchit

I don’t know. But she left these behind when they snagged on the window latch. (holds up a large pair of bloomers) The name tags says…(name of woman in audience)

Scrooge

Tell me Cratchit. Do we still have that consignment of chocolate mice out back?

Bob Cratchit

You mean, those ones you bought cheap from the ‘Pied-Piper Chocolate Factory’?

Scrooge

Yes. The ones containing real mice.

Bob Cratchit

Yes sir. Several boxes.

Scrooge

Good. During the interval I want you to sell them to this (indicating audience) lot. And don’t unlock the doors until they’ve all bought one.

Bob Cratchit

What about health and safety, sir?

Scrooge

Sell some to them as well.

Bob Cratchit

But it might make them sick.

Scrooge

Then sell them all sick-bags, at tuppence each.

Scrooge

By the way Cratchit. How is that house of yours? Is it still in the same condition as when I sold it to you?

Bob Cratchit

Yes sir. The roof leaks, the walls are full of mould and the damp is still rising.

Scrooge

So why haven’t you fixed it?

Bob Cratchit

Because my wages barely covers our food bill, never mind repairs. In fact, I was wondering if I could have a pay rise Mr Scrooge. If its not too much trouble.

Scrooge

Haven’t you heard of the credit crunch, Cratchit? I’ll review the situation next year.

Bob Cratchit

Begging you pardon sir, but that’s what you say every year.

Scrooge

Then you ought to be getting used to it by now. Of course, there’s always the alternative.

Bob Cratchit

And what’s that, sir?

Scrooge

(shouts) Unemployment! Now, where are those eviction notices for today?

Bob Cratchit

They’re on your desk, sir

Scrooge

And what about tomorrows? I might as well deal with them while I’m at it.

Bob Cratchit

But sir, tomorrow is Christmas day! You can’t throw people out of their homes on Christmas day!

Scrooge

Oh yes I can!

Bob Encourages the audience to say ‘oh no you can’t’.

Scrooge

Shut up you miserable wretches! Otherwise I might include some of you lot in the evictions.

Bob Cratchit

The bailiffs charge double rate for Christmas day evictions, sir.

Scrooge

What!? Why those money grabbing ba…bailiffs! Very well then, leave the evictions until Boxing day.

FX:

Doorbell.

Scrooge

If that’s those carol singers again, set the Rotweilers on them (studies his papers)

Two Charity Workers enter.

Bob Cratchit

Good morning ladies, and a merry Christmas to you both.

Shirley

Merry Christmas, Bob!

Bob Cratchit

What can I do for you today?

Marjory

We’re fundraising for the poor, Mr Cratchit.

Bob Cratchit

Here you are then. (holds out a coin) It isn’t much I’m afraid, but it’s all I have.

Shirley

That’s very kind of you Bob, but we’re not here to collect money from you.

Marjory

Considering the meagre wages old Scrooge pays. We ought to be making a donation to you.

Bob Cratchit

Nevertheless, I’m sure there are plenty of people worse off then me.

Shirley

If only everyone was as kind and thoughtful as you, Bob.

Marjory

(to Scrooge) Merry Christmas Mr Scrooge.

Scrooge

(looks up from his papers) Humbug!

Shirley

Don’t mind if I do.

Takes a humbug from a jar and licks it.

Scrooge

That’s sixpence for the humbug.

Shirley

Sixpence!? In that case you can have it back. (puts it back in the jar)

Scrooge

That’s a ha’penny you still owe.

Shirley

But I only had a lick.

Scrooge

Exactly.

Marjory

You’re charging ha’penny a lick!

Scrooge

Very reasonable I think.

Shirley

(slams a coin on his desk) Here, you old skinflint.

Scrooge

Now, state your business.

Marjory

We’re collecting on behalf of the poor and needy.

Scrooge

(mortified) You mean you’re, ch ch ch…charity workers!?

Shirley

That’s correct.

Scrooge clutches his chest and falls to the floor gasping.

Bob Cratchit

Mr Scrooge! Are you all right!?

Marjory

I think he requires resuscitation.

Shirley

I do believe you’re right.

Marjory

Have you got the resuscitator, Shirley?

Shirley

Yes…(takes sink out a sink plunger)…here it is Marjory.

Marjory bends over scrooge and places the plunger over his mouth. Scrooge holds the plunger handle – Marjory pulls and pushes it up and down and Scrooge sits up and lies down as the plunger is pulled back and forth.

Fred enters.

Fred

Merry Christmas, Bob!

Bob Cratchit

Merry Christmas Mr Fred, sir

Fred

(rushes over ) What’s wrong with Uncle Ebeneezer!?

Bob Cratchit

He had a funny turn after these two charity workers asked him for money.

Fred

I’m not surprised. They’d have more luck getting blood out of a stone.

Scrooge breaks free from the plunger and stands.

Scrooge

What a horrible experience!

Marjory

How much shall we put you down for, Mr Scrooge?

Scrooge

Nothing!

Shirley

You wish to remain anonymous?

Scrooge

I wish to be left alone! I don’t make merry at Christmas, and I don’t see why I should pay for others to do so.

Fred

Surely you can spare something, uncle. The poor need our help more than ever at this time of year.

Scrooge

I do help them.

Fred

How?

Scrooge

My taxes help pay for the prisons and workhouses. If they are that needy, then let them go there!

Marjory

But many would rather die than go to the workhouse!

Scrooge

Then let them die – and decrease the surplus population.

Shirley

You can’t mean that, surely?

Scrooge

Of course I do! There are too many people in this world as it is.

Bob Cratchit

But what about the milk of human kindness, Mr scrooge?

Scrooge

It’s gone off Cratchit. It stinks! As far I’m concerned, anyone who says ‘merry Christmas’ should be boiled with his own pudding and used as stuffing for his own turkey!

Marjory

You really are the meanest man I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting!

Scrooge

Flattery will get you nowhere.

Shirley

Then good day to you, sir!

Fred

Merry Christmas ladies! (gives money)

Marjory

Merry Christmas to you, sir.

Scrooge

Show them the door, Cratchit!

Bob Cratchit

This way ladies.

Cratchit shows the Charity Workers out and exits with them.

Scrooge

I must remember to get my front door electrified. That ought to keep those seasonal scroungers away.

Fred

Don’t be so mean, uncle. Christmas is a time to think of others and share what we have with those less fortunate.

Scrooge

Pah! Listen to yourself. Every Christmas you find yourself a year older, and not a penny richer.

Fred

It’s true, Christmas doesn’t put a penny piece in my pocket. But it lifts my spirits and makes me grateful for what I have.

Scrooge

Bah! Humbug! The only people who enjoy Christmas are spendthrifts and scroungers. They ought to learn the value of money, like I did. Music cue 5: Scrooge. After song ends…

Fred

Well you won’t dampen my enthusiasm, uncle. I intend to make merry this Christmas as usual.

Scrooge

What have you got to be merry about? You’re poor enough?

Fred

What have you got to be glum about, you’re rich enough?

Scrooge

You keep Christmas in your way nephew, and I’ll keep it in mine.

Fred

But that’s just it, uncle. You don’t keep it. So why don’t you join me and my family, for Christmas dinner?

Scrooge

Every year you invite me to have Christmas dinner with you, nephew.

Fred

True.

Scrooge

And every year I say ‘no’.

Fred

Also true.

Scrooge

Then why do you keep on inviting me?

Fred

Because I live in hope that one-day that hard heart of yours will soften and you will finally accept my offer.

Scrooge

Then you will wait a very long time, Nephew.

Fred

I’ll leave you to think about it, uncle. I’m off to serve free meals to the homeless.

Scrooge

(eyes light up) ‘Free’ meals?

Fred

Yes.

Scrooge

Put me down for one, nephew.

Fred

But you’re not homeless, uncle.

Scrooge

True, but I provide you with most of your customers. If it weren’t for me evicting people, all you do-gooders would be out of a job.

Fred

I would rather be out of a job than see others suffer. Good day, uncle – merry Christmas to you. (begins to exit)

Scrooge

Humbug!

Fred

(turns) And a happy new year!

Scrooge

Humbug! Humbug!

Fred exits (SR)

Bob Cratchit enters (SR)

Bob Cratchit

Begging your pardon sir, but it’s gone past closing time. Shall I tell the workers to go home now?

Scrooge

If you must. Just tell them to be here bright and early tomorrow morning.

Bob Cratchit

But tomorrow’s Christmas day, sir!

Scrooge

I’m well aware of that!

Bob Cratchit

It’s usual practice for everyone to have Christmas day off, sir.

Scrooge

(grudgingly) Very well. Just make sure you dock their wages accordingly.

Bob Cratchit

Begging your pardon, Mr Scrooge. But it’s usual practice for them to have the day off with full pay, sir.

Scrooge

And is it usual practice to pay workers a day’s wage for not working?

Bob Cratchit

‘Tis only once a year, sir.

Scrooge

That’s a poor excuse for picking a man’s pockets every December the 25^th. Very well. But tell them to be here all the earlier the next day. (begins to exit)

Bob Cratchit

Yes sir. Goodnight, sir. Merry Christmas to you.

Scrooge

(turns) Bah, humbug! (exits SL)

Workers enter.

Scrooge

Good news everyone – we’ve got Christmas day off, with pay!

All

Hooray! Music cue 6: Workers. After song ends…All hold pose…

Blackout – cloth/tabs in – lights up.