Market stalls, shops, etc., Two with signs: ‘T. Tyme and Sons, Watchmakers’ and ‘Bess Dress, couturier and haberdasher’. A banner says ‘Happy Birthday, King Clueless’. The townsfolk sing a song was they decorate the square and prepare for a party. In the crowd is Donna Dress.

Nico enters. He carries a heavy grand father clock. He talks to the audience.

Nico

Hello, everyone! (depending on reaction, either) Is there anyone in tonight? (or) Noisy lot in tonight. I’m Nico. When I shout "Hello Everyone," I need you to shout back at me, "Hello Nico!" Can you do that? Shall we practice? (ad libs with audience) I’m exhausted. It’s the king’s birthday and we’re having a party. Do you like our decorations? We worked hard, putting them up.

Donna

Who worked hard?

Nico

Oh, hello, Donna. I was going to help. Honest. But I had an important job to do instead.

Donna

What job?

Nico

The cuckoo in Mrs Bird’s cuckoo clock stopped cuckooing. So I had to sort him out.

Donna

Was he all right?

Nico

He wasn’t happy. He said, every hour, on the hour, he’s going to strike. (addresses audience) Where was I? Oh yes. I’m Nico. Nico Tyme. I’m a watchmaker. That’s my shop. T. Tyme and Sons. I work with my brother, Justin Tyme.

Donna

Who are you talking to?

Nico

My friends. Out there. (to audience) Hello, everyone! (ad lib with audience)

Donna

(looks at the grandfather clock) What have you got there?

Nico

This is my Grandfather.

Donna

(studying the clock) Hmm. Strong family resemblance. Open face. Big hands. Steady ticker. (looks at the pendulum) Bit of a swinger.

Nico

Not my actual Grandfather! My Grandfather clock.

Donna

Why are you carrying a Grandfather Clock?

Nico

Because it can’t walk.

Donna

I meant, why didn’t you leave it at home?

Nico

Because of the Mouse.

Donna

What Mouse?

Nico

The Mouse that keeps running up and down. Every day, just before one, it runs up. Then the clock strikes and it runs down again. Drives me crackers.

Donna

I wish I’d never asked.

Nico

I wish you’d ask if it was heavy.

Donna

Is it heavy?

Nico

Funny you should ask that. Yes.

Nico puts the clock down, front centre stage.

Donna

You can’t park it there!

Nico

Why not? Have they painted double yellow lines?

Donna

No-one will be able to see anything if you put it there.

Nico puts the clock out of the way, but visible to the audience.

Nico

I’ll put it here then.

Donna

Will it be all right there? I mean, no-one will steal it, will they?

Nico

My friends will watch it for me, won’t you? (plays to audience, to encourage response) If anyone tries to steal it, you shout for me, OK?

Donna

Nico, have you seen your brother, Justin?

Nico

Yeah, he had an emergency. The Town Hall Clock stopped at ten o’clock.

Donna

Why is that an emergency?

Nico

Because the Mayor started his speech at ten o’clock, and he was going to speak until half past.

Donna

So?

Nico

Half past, by the Town Hall Clock.

Donna

Oh dear. What happened?

Nico

He got to the end of his speech and it wasn’t half past ten. But he had to speak till half past ten.

Justin enters and approaches Donna.

Donna

So what did he do?

Nico

He started his speech again.

Donna

I don’t think he’s the only one who does that.

Justin

Sorry, I’m late. After I finished at the Town Hall I had to go over and deal with the Speaking Clock.

Nico

Why? What was wrong with it?

Justin

It had laryngitis.

Donna

Hello, Justin. Nico told me about your emergency. I thought you might be too busy to come today.

Justin

I’ll always make time for you, Donna.

Donna

We’ve still got quite a bit to do. Come on.

They move upstage to help.

Rumpelstiltskin enters followed by his henchmen, Snatch and Grab.

Rumpelstiltskin

(stares at Donna) She is so beautiful.

Snatch

(looks out over audience) Who?

Rumpelstiltskin

Who? Donna Dress, of course. (sighs) I’ve made my mind up. I’m going to marry her.

Grab

Oh, no, boss, she won’t marry you. She’s in love with Justin Tyme. You know, the watchmaker?

Snatch gestures at Grab to shut up.

Rumpelstiltskin

That silly boy? Why would she want him? No. She’ll marry me.

Grab

No, she won’t.

Rumpelstiltskin

Yes, she will.

Snatch

Oh no, she won’t.

Rumpelstiltskin

Oh yes she will...

Grab

Oh no, she won’t.

Encourage audience to join in, etc; until finally.

Rumpelstiltskin

Enough! She will marry me. I’ll make her marry me.

Grab

You mean like when you make Snatch and me do things?

Snatch

Will you put a spell on her like you did on us?

Rumpelstiltskin

Of course not. (evil sneer) I’ll just do something horrible to all her friends.

Snatch

Like what?

Rumpelstiltskin

I haven’t decided yet. I’ll make a spell and visit them with something horrible.

Grab

No! Not (unpopular politician)?

Rumpelstiltskin

What kind of a monster do you think I am? There are some things even I won’t do. But I’ll think of something. And then, she’ll marry me or her friends will suffer the consequences.

Snatch

I hear the wedding bells already.

Grab

I can’t hear any bells. Are you sure your ears don’t need cleaning out?

Rumpelstiltskin clouts him.

Snatch

Very soon, Miss Donna Dress will be Mrs. -

Rumpelstiltskin clamps his hand over Snatch’s mouth.

Rumpelstiltskin

You weren’t going to say my name then, were you? Because you know that’s not allowed. No-one says my name. If they do, something dreadful will happen.

FX:

A crash of thunder, flash of lightning.

Rumpelstiltskin

And we wouldn’t want that, would we?

Snatch

No boss, sorry boss.

Rumpelstiltskin

Good. Now, I’m going home to work on that spell I’ve been inventing.

Grab

The one that makes people forget things?

Snatch

How does that work?

Rumeplstiltskin

I’ve forgotten. But while I’m gone, I want you to put on your thinking caps, and…

Grab

…I haven’t got mine.

Snatch

Me neither. You didn’t say we needed them.

Rumpelstiltskin

Needed what?

Grab

Our thinking caps. Mine must be at home. If I’ve got one. I don’t remember having one. I’ve got a baseball cap, will that do?

Rumpelstiltskin

You idiot! I doubt you have a thinking cap. Because if you did, then you’d be able to think! (to Snatch) Come up with an idea to get that girl to marry me or else.

Snatch

Yes, boss.

Rumpelstiltskin exits.

Snatch

Why do we get all the best jobs?

Grab

How are we going to make sure that girls marries him then, Snatch?

Snatch

I don’t know, Grab. I just wish we could just say no.

Bess

(off stage) How dare you, sir!

Bess enters in an agitated mood.

Bess

The nerve of the man! How dare he?

The Crowd come forward to see.

Donna

Mother? Whatever is the matter?

Bess

That eejit they’ve got judging the produce at the fete. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Nico

Don’t tell me you didn’t win the Ugliest Gardener award?

Bess gives him a sidelong look.

Justin

Ignore him. He might go away.

Bess

It was fixed, I tell you! Everyone knows my produce is the best in town. Always has been, always will be. Biggest and best.

Donna

(wearily) Who won, then?

Bess

He gave first prize to my biggest rival – Clarissa Clumpthorpe! He said her Brussels sprouts were the biggest he’d ever seen!

Justin

And were they?

Bess

Well, yes. But only because mine got disqualified. The judges said they were really cabbages.

Donna

You entered cabbages in the Brussels sprouts?

Bess

I got mixed up. It was an easy mistake to make.

Nico

They’re both green. They both taste horrid.

Bess

But I didn’t make a mistake over my pumpkin. My pumpkin should have won. Not Clarissa’s!

Nico

I saw Clarissa’s pumpkin. It was gruesome.

Justin

Gruesome?

Nico

Yes. She planted a seed and watered it and it grew some. And then it grew some more.

Bess

Mine was more gruesome than hers!

Nico

That I can believe. Everything of yours is more gruesome than hers.

Bess

Don’t be cheeky!