Scene One

Bristol Docks

Music cue 1: Sailors. After song ends…Sailors exit.

Dame enters singing (SR)

Dame

#All the nice girls love a sailor# (spots audience) Oh hello, are you all waiting to embark?…So am I. I’m just looking for a nice young sailor to show me the ropes. I’ve never done it before you see. No, I’ve always had my feet firmly on dry land. Not like my son Robinson…Oh I think I’d better tell you who I am first hadn’t I? Otherwise you won’t have a clue what I’m on about. Now my name is Celia Crusoe, mother of Robinson Crusoe the famous explorer. Yes, my Robinson has explored the world from Bangkok to Barnsley (wryly) And he still can’t find his way to Bristol docks to see his poor mother off on her maiden voyage. I’m ever so nervous you know. Well the high sea is a very dangerous place isn’t it? Last week, a P&O liner. was overrun by hordes of hunky pirates who marooned all the men and ravished all the women. And to think I was going to go book a cruise on it (sighs) Oh well, maybe I’ll have better luck this time. And my poor husband hasn’t been right since he climbed the mast and spliced his mainbrace. And now he’s bedridden and spends all his time watching the telly. He loves the Tellytubbies, especially Tinky Winky! (loud knocking) Calm down! (to audience) It’s because he’s heard me mention his name. He’s laid up there now waiting for them to start…Oh he’s gone very quiet, I wonder if he’s all right (calls) Tinky Winky! (knocking) He’s fine (thinks) I wonder if you’d like to help me look after him? You won’t have to do any of the messy stuff, but you could do a bit of long distance baby sitting for me. Every time I say ‘I wonder if he’s is all right’ would you shout ‘Tinky Winky’? (knocking) And then I’ll know he’s ok. Let’s have a go. I wonder if he’s all right! (audience shout) Well done.

Captain Codpiece enters (SL) and comes up behind Dame.

Captain

Ahoy in front and avaaast behind!

Dame

(holds her bum) How dare you! (turns - coyly) Oh hello admiral I didn’t see you hoving into view.

Captain

My name is Captain Codpiece.

Dame

I thought I could smell something fishy. But I’m willing to overlook anything for a man in uniform. And may I say what a smart uniform you’re wearing today commander.

Captain

I’m a captain!

Dame

For now (making up to him) But there’s no telling how far you’d go with the right woman behind you.

Captain

Well if it was you behind me, I’d go a very long way (aside to audience) in the opposite direction. (to Dame) And there’ll be no fraternising with my crew if you don’t mind!

Dame

What do you take me for? (captain whispers) How dare you! Oh you’re all alike you sailors. Just because you see an attractive woman walking up and down the docks you immediately jump to conclusions.

Captain

Then what are you doing here?

Dame

I’m waiting for my ship to come in.

Captain

(sarcastically) You’ll have a long wait.

Dame

I’m off to do a spot of shopping in Calais.

Captain

What’s the name of this ship you’re waiting for?

Dame

The Saucy Sal.

Captain

But that’s my ship! And I’m bound for the Caribbean, not Calais!

Dame

But the Saucy Sal always goes to Calais. Its crew have been regulars of mine for years.

Captain

So you’re the source of my crews ailment!

Dame

(outraged) I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m sure! If you must know I’m cook at the Scuppered Boson public house, which is frequently frequented by men of the sea. So I’ll thank you to keep your aspersions to yourself.

Captain

Oh don’t be so crabby. Ha-ha-ha! Get it? Sea…Crabby!

Dame

If that’s a sample of your seafaring humour, this show’s going to sink like a stone.

Captain

Just like my last ship…and the one before that…and the one before that…and the one…

Dame

…Hang on, hang on! How many ships have you had sink under you?

Captain

At the last count…er…ten.

Dame

Ten! What’s your name, Jonah? So what happened to them? Where they wrecked in a storm, sunk by pirates, or did they run aground on the rocks?

Captain

No, they hit the harbour wall.

Dame

Do you mean to say you’ve never even made it out of dock yet?

Captain

No, but I’m confident I’ll make it this time.

Dame

What makes you think this time will be any different?

Captain

Well I’ve hit the wall that many times there’s nothing left of it.

Dame

So how come the Saucy Sal doesn’t do the booze cruise anymore?

Captain

They opened the channel tunnel last week, so the captain retired and sold his ship to me.

Dame

Just my luck.

Captain

I’ll see you onboard then ma’am.

Captain exits (SR)

Dame

Not if I can help it you won’t.

Paperboy enters.

Paperboy

"Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Blackbeard implicated in latest pirate attack! Fifty sailors tossed overboard!

Dame

Give me one of those papers! (takes paper and reads) Oh dear! Oh, how awful!

Paperboy

That’ll be sixpence for the newspaper, Mrs.

Dame

Sixpence!? In that case you can have it back.

Paperboy

But you’ve read it now!

Dame

So?

Paperboy

So, you still have to pay for it!

Dame

Listen here sonny Jim!

Paperboy

(cockily) My name’s Jack!

Dame

All right then, sonny Jack! That paper’s already been read hasn’t it?

Paperboy

Er…well…I suppose so.

Dame

Well I’m not interested in reading second-hand news, so sling your hook!

Paperboy

But…but…but.

Dame

No buts. You ought to know better than to try and sell second-hand newspapers.

Paperboy exits muttering.

Dame

I think I’ll have a stroll along the quay and see if I can find Robinson. He’s off exploring again and his ship leaves today from this very dock. I only hope the Saucy Sal doesn’t leave without me. I tell you what, maybe you can help make sure I don’t miss it. Now before a ship leaves dock someone always shouts ‘all aboard’ So if you hear anyone saying ‘all aboard’ I want you all to shout ‘Wait for us! Wait for us!’ as loud as you can and I’ll come running…(audience respond) Now you won’t forget will you? (audience respond) Great. See you later then.

Dame exits (SL)

Robinson Crusoe enters (SR)

Robinson

Hiya kids! I’m Robinson Crusoe, the world famous explorer (slaps thigh) I’m sure you’ve all heard of me. I’m about to set sail on my latest exciting adventure to the Caribbean and was hoping to catch my mother before I set off. You haven’t seen her have you? (audience shout) Only I was going to give her a hand with her belongings. Unless she’s already taken them all aboard!

Audience

Wait for us! Wait for us!

Dame runs on (SL) carrying a small box with the picture of a pie on it.

Dame

Wait for us! (sees Robinson) Oh Robinson, am I glad you’ve arrived.

Robinson

What’s up mum, you haven’t missed the boat have you?

Dame

(wryly) I think I missed it years ago (to Robinson) No I haven’t, but I’m hoping to. The captain is a one-man demolition squad, and I’m frightened we might get overrun by pirates.

Robinson

I thought you had a soft spot for pirates.

Dame

Yes, well my soft spot isn’t for the sort of pirates we get in these waters. All the good-looking ones only seem to operate in the Caribbean. The only sort we get around here have bad teeth, bad breath and even badder dress sense.

Robinson

Not all pirates look like Johnny Depp, mum. Anyway, you’re only going to Calais for a bit of duty free shopping.

Dame

Well if the government didn’t tax life’s little luxuries so much I wouldn’t have to go abroad to get me ciggies and booze

Robinson

But you don’t even smoke or drink!

Dame

I’m stocking up in case I decide to start.

Robinson

With the amount you’re planning on bringing back you’ll be able to open an off licence.

Dame

What a good idea!

Robinson

So that’s your plan is it?

Dame

Well a girl has to make a living somehow. Anyway I’m not going to Calais. The ferry’s been sold to an ex JCB driver who’s sailing it to the Caribbean (thinks) Mind you, I could always stock up on duty free rum instead.

Robinson

You’ll be for the high jump if the excise men nab you. You’re not allowed to resell duty free.

Dame

I’m not selling it duty free, I’m charging full price. Providing I survive the buccaneers, pirates, muggers, hoodies, and custom and excise men. Now I don’t mind the buccaneers, pirates, muggers and hoodies, but I can’t bear the thought of the customs men getting their hands on me contraband. In fact, I’m beginning to think this trip isn’t such a good idea after all. I’d feel much safer if I went with you instead. I‘m sure I can get some duty free wherever you’re going

Robinson

All right, I’ll see if Captain Codpiece can squeeze you onboard.

Dame

Don’t tell me you’re sailing on the Saucy Sal!?

Robinson

Yes, and it sets sail in ten minutes.

Dr Defoe enters (SR)

Dr Defoe

(to Dame) I say my good man. Could you tell me where I can find a ship called the Saucy Sal?

Dame

You won’t need a ship where you’re going.

Dr Defoe

Why, where am I going?

Dame

To casualty if you call me ‘my good man’ again!

Robinson

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Robinson Crusoe the famous explorer (slaps thigh) You’ve no doubt heard of me.

Dr Defoe

Erm…(thinking)…Nope!

Robinson

(deflated) Oh.

Dame

And I’m his mother, Mrs Crusoe.