Scene Six

Robin’s Camp

Trees have doors and windows, there is a tree pub, a tree shop etc. There is a washing line with Dame Scarlett’s bloomers on strung between two trees (SL)

Will

Ok, kids you can open your eyes now. Song. #When the going gets tough# (Robin and Merry Men)

Robin

Hi, Will. I hope nobody followed you. We don’t want anyone to find the secret route through Sherwood Forest.

Will

No, it’s ok, these boys and girls kept their eyes closed all the way.

Robin

That’s good. But we’d still better post guards. To your positions, men and keep your eyes peeled.

Will and Merry Men exit. Little John and Friar Tuck remain.

Exit Merry Men

Enter Dame Scarlett with washing basket.

Dame Scarlett

I don’t know why you men are spending all your time singing and being merry. You should be thinking of a way to rescue Marion, Miss Pretty and those poor little kiddywinks.

Robin

I have been trying to think of a plan, but I just don’t know what to do.

Dame Scarlett

Well you’d better think of something soon so we can get rid of that Sheriff and move back to the village and civilization. I haven’t seen EastEnders for weeks!

Robin sits on a tree-stump and thinks hard.

Little John

Well I like it here in the forest. I can live with all my friends here. I get really lonely living all on my own in the village.

Dame Scarlett

All on your own? A big handsome boy like you? We can’t have that, can we?

Little John

Can’t we?

Dame Scarlett

No! After all, I know what it’s like to be lonely. I live all on my own too.

Friar Tuck

No you don’t. Will lives with you.

Dame Scarlett

Ooh, he’s never in. Always out, he is. And I’m left all on my own in that big old, warm, comfortable, romantic, rent-free-to-the-right-man house.

Little John

Oh dear. (to Robin) So what’s the plan then?

Dame Scarlett

And I’m such a good cook. The meals I’ve thrown away because there’s no big hungry, butch man there to eat them…

Friar Tuck

Well don’t cook so much, that’s my advice. Thought of anything yet, Robin?

Dame Scarlett

Big comfy armchair next to the fire just waiting for the right man to sit in it…

Little John

Lovely! We going to storm the castle then, Robin?

Dame Scarlett

Be nice to have a handyman about the place. Perhaps he could mend that broken lock on my bedroom door. A girl feels so vulnerable with a broken lock on her bedroom door…

Friar Tuck

Well you would do. We gonna knock the drawbridge down, Robin?

Dame Scarlett

So…Umm…How does a big boy like you get to be called Little John then?

Little John

No reason…

Dame Scarlett

I’m very glad to hear it! Ten pounds a week!

Little John

What?

Dame Scarlett

Ten pounds a week to live in my house, three meals a day, all the beer you can drink, lashings of hot water and a warm, comfy bed every night.

Friar Tuck

Ten pounds a week? That’s not much.

Dame Scarlett

It’s all I can afford! What about it, Big Boy?

An arrow with message attached flies across stage, through Dame Scarlett’s bloomers and thuds into the tree (this can be achieved by using a taut fishing line threaded through a hollow ‘arrow’ and ‘fired’ from the lighting box)

Robin

A message! Somebody must be coming!

Little John

What does it say?

Friar Tuck gets confused and reads from the label on the bloomers.

Friar Tuck

‘Marks and Spencer. Extra large. Reinforced gusset. Hand wash. Do not spin’.

Dame Scarlett

That’s the label on my washing you rude friar!

Robin

(reads from arrow message) ‘Two rich-looking blokes coming your way’. Excellent! Come on, Little John. You too Friar, we’ve got work to do. Dame Scarlett, take your washing in, we don’t want these men to know someone lives here.

Robin, Little John and Friar Tuck hide behind trees (SR) Dame Scarlett Collects her washing and addresses audience.

Dame Scarlett

Ooh that Little John! He’s a bit of all right isn’t he, girls? I know he fancies me like mad. He’s just a bit shy that’s all. I expect he’s waiting for the right moment to declare his feelings.

Little john

(from behind tree) Psst! Dame Scarlett! Deer!

Dame Scarlett

(to audience, excitedly) Told You! Yes, love?

Friar Tuck

Dame Scarlett! Deer!

Dame Scarlett

Ooh! Two of them! Eat your hearts out, girls! You’ll just have to wait your turn, Friar tuck… Dear!

Robin

Dame Scarlett! Deer!!

Dame Scarlett

House! And he’s the most handsome of all! Yes, Robin… Dear?

All three emerge from hiding places and point behind Dame Scarlett. Into wings (SR)

Rob/Tuck/John

Dame Scarlett…Deer!!

Enter Deer Mee at a run (SR)

Robin

We were trying to tell you the deer was coming!

Dame Scarlett

(pause) I knew that!

Robin

Ask him what’s wrong.

Dame Scarlett

What’s the matter, Deer Mee? (Deer Mee whispers to her) Ooh! He says those rich blokes have been chasing him for miles. They want to ride him out of the forest. Flippin’ cheek! You’re not a donkey are you, Deer Mee? No! You’re a lovely, wovely, deery weery and a very pretty boy. (rolls up her sleeves) Try to ride our Deer Mee, would they!?! Right! Let me at ‘em. I’ll sort ‘em out! I’ll marmalize ‘em I will!

Robin

No! Don’t hurt them Dame Scarlett. Remember the outlaw oath.

Rob/Tuck/John

We rob from the rich to give to the poor But we’re always pleasant and nice So no-one gets hurt - and we try to make sure that we never rob anyone twice.

Dame Scarlett

Rotten Outlaw Oath! They never let me have any fun. (exits)

Robin

Now stand over there, Deer Mee. And try to look friendly.

Robin, Little John and Friar Tuck hide behind trees. Deer Mee stands (SL) Looking friendly’.

Enter Farquar Fothrington Smythe and Hans Upp (SR) Farquar is very posh and Hans is German and carries a length of rope to catch Deer Mee. Hans is frightened and stays a long way behind Farquar.

FFS

Come on, Hans, old chap. We’ve caught up with him at last. (to Deer Mee) Nice deer. Good deer. We don’t want to hurt you. We just want to wide you out of this howwible fowest.

Hans

Look out, my friend. I don’t think he wants us to ride him. He looks like he might attack us!

FFS

It’s alwight. He doesn’t understand what’s going on. Deer aren’t very clever anyway and this one looks particularly stupid.

Reaction from deer mee.

Hans

Yes he does. But are you sure we want to ride him. Look at him! He’s awfully dirty and scruffy. He could have fleas.

FFS

I’m afwaid we have no choice, old chap, we’ve been walking for hours and I’m beginning to think we may be fwightfully lost.

Hans

Lost? Oh dear! Well catch the horrible beast. Don’t be such a sissy!

Deer Mee shakes his head and gets very angry.

Hans

Go on! He wouldn’t attack someone as rich and important as you? Not even if he is stupid.

FFS

You’re absolutely wight, old thing. I am much too wealthy and gwand to be fwightened of a dirty, scwuffy animal like that. Thwow the wope over here.

Hans throws rope. Rope falls short and FFS has to bend over to pick it up with his bum facing toward Deer Mee. Deer Mee charges and chases FFS and Hans all over stage. Robin, Friar and Little John appear with bows and arrows drawn. Farquar is terrified and Hans is confused.

Robin

Hands up!

Hans

Oh thank goodness. Some brave hunters! Save us from that savage beast.

Little John

It’s alright, Deer Mee. You’re safe now. We’ll look after you.

Hans

What??

Friar Tuck

Hands up!

Hans

Yes?

Little John

Hands up!

FFS

Oh, no! Wobbers!

Hans

Woobbers? What is ‘Wobbers’?

FFS

Wotten wobbers! Outlaws!

Hans

And what is ‘Outlaws’?

Friar Tuck

We is… I mean ‘are’.

Hans

What?

Robin

We are outlaws. Now hands up!

Hans

Yes?

Little John

You heard! Hands up!

Hans

Yes?

Little John

(to Farquar) Is he trying to be funny?

FFS

No. He’s not twying to be funny, it’s his name!

Little John

His name’s Not Trying To Be Funny?

FFS

No, you wotten, wascally wobber! His name is Hans Upp.

Little John

That’s the silliest name I’ve ever heard.

FFS

And I am The Honouwable Farquar Fothrington Smythe…

Little John

I’ve changed my mind, that’s the silliest name I’ve ever heard!

Friar Tuck

The Honourable what?

FFS

Farquar Fothrington Smythe!

Robin

You must be very rich with a name like that.

FFS

Wich? Me?? Ha ha ha ha. No, my fwiend I’m one of the poor Farquar Fothrington Smythe’s! No money at all old thing. None at all! And this is the equally poor, famous German castle builder, Hans Upp..

Robin

So what does a famous German castle builder want in Sherwood Forest.

Hans

My father was a famous castle builder too. He built the big castle at Nottingham and I have come to see it. And my very rich friend here is showing me the way.

Little John

Very rich friend? (nose to nose with FFS) Have you been telling us fibs?

FFS

N..n..no!

Little John

Yes you have! You said you were poor.

FFS

(terrified) No I didn’t.

Little John

Oh yes you did!

FFS

Oh no I didn’t!

Work audience.

Robin

Enough of this! Hand over your purse, Farquar Fothrington Smythe.

Little John

Or else!

FFS hands over purse full of gold coins.

FFS

There take it all, you wotters. (to Hans) Will you look at that – they’re welieving me of my wealth, they’ll end up wicher than me.

Robin

No! This money will go to the poor people.

Friar Tuck

We only rob from the rich to give to the poor.

FFS

Wob fwom the wich to give to the poor? But that’s just vewy, vewy silly!

Little John

You calling my friend Robin silly?

FFS

N… N … No!

Robin

You too, Hans Upp. Let’s have a look in your purse.

Hans hands over purse. More gold coins plus a large scroll.

Little John

What’s that big papery thing, Robin?

Hans

Those are the original building plans for Nottingham Castle. I brought them with me so I would recognize the castle when I see it.

Robin, Little John and Friar Tuck gather round to look at plans.

Friar Tuck

Ooh, yes! Look, Robin. There’s the front gate!

Little John

There’s the moat!

Robin

There’s the dungeon!

Hans

There’s the secret passage!

Robin

Oh, yes…How much money have we got, Friar?

Friar Tuck

Ooh, there’s about!

Rob/Tuck/john

Secret passage!?

FFS

Of course! All castles have a secwet passage.

Hans

And my father built Nottingham Castle with a secret passage that comes up right in the middle of the dungeon. Why? Is it important?

Robin

(nonchalantly) Important? No! Not important at all – is it, lads?

Robin hands the scroll back. Hans tucks it in his belt.

Little John

No! Won’t give it another thought…

Friar Tuck

Forgotten about it already. Haven’t we, Robin?

Robin

Forgotten what?

Little John

See!

FFS

Can we go now?

Robin

Yes. You can go now. Leave Sherwood Forest and never return!

FFS

The Shewiff shall hear about this outwage. How far is it to Nottingham Castle?

Robin

About ten miles, that way.

Little John

No it’s not, it’s twelve miles that way.

Friar Tuck

Nonsense! It’s twenty-eight miles that way.

FFS

Oh dear! We’ve been wobbed by Wobin Hood, we’re tewwibly lost. We’ve had nothing to eat, the deer won’t let us wide him and now we have to walk for miles!

Hans

Don’t worry, my friend, I can help you there.

FFS

Can you?

Hans

Of course! I’m German, ve haff vays off making you walk!

Groans from Robin and co. Robin puts an arm around Hans’s shoulder and escorts him off (SR) As he does so he steals the scroll.

Robin

Well, bye for now. Have a good trip.

Friar Tuck

Nice doing business with you!

Exit Farquar Fothrington Smythe and Hans Upp.

All

Byeee!

Robin

A map of the secret passage into Nottingham castle! Our prayers have been answered. Now we’ll be able to rescue Marion and the children.

Robin moves down stage right. Tabs close behind him as the lights dim.