Robin’s Hideout

Music cue 13: Elves. After song ends…

Robin and the merry men enter.

Little John

(sniffs) Something’s burning.

Friar Tuck

Our supper! (rushes over to the cooking pot) It’s all right men! We can still eat it!

All groan.

Robin

What is it Tuck?

Friar Tuck

Turnip surprise!

Alan-a-Dale

That's no surprise.

Will Scarlett

It's all you ever cook!

Friar Tuck

It's good wholesome food to keep you fighting fit men!

Will Scarlett

I don't want to fight fit men!

Little John

If I eat any more I'll throw a fit.

Robin

Don't you think we have it a bit too regular Tuck?

Friar Tuck

You can never be too regular Robin.

Robin

Yes, but we're running out of trees.

Friar Tuck

Who's first then?

Little John

I’ve just remembered. I’m allergic to turnips.

Friar Tuck

Since when?

Little John

Since I smelt that.

Alan-a-Dale

Me too.

Will Scarlett

And I'm on doctor's orders.

Friar Tuck

Are you allergic to it as well?

Will Scarlett

No, he just ordered me not to eat it.

Friar Tuck

Robin?

Robin

Well I’d love to tuck in…Tuck, but it wouldn't be right eating whilst the rest of the men go hungry.

Friar Tuck

Always thinking of others, Robin. I suppose I could take it over to the workhouse for the poor and destitute.

Will Scarlett

Haven't they suffered enough?

Little John

We’ll all suffer if Tuck keeps leaving the campfire unattended. I think it’s time we all had another fire drill.

Little John exits (SL)

Marion and Courgette enter (SR)

Marion

Robin!

Robin

Marion!

Little John enters (SL) with a large dusty cloth and a super-soaker gun.

Little John

Ah, Marion! You’re just in time to take part in our fire drill.

Marion

I have something important to tell you all.

Little John

I’m afraid it will have to wait. Take your positions everyone!

All line up in pairs as follows. Will Scarlett & Alan-a-Dale… Robin & Friar Tuck… Marion & Courgette.

Little John

Now we’ll do this by numbers. You are even and I am odd. Repeat.

All

You are odd! You are odd!

Little John hands the super-soaker to Will Scarlett.

Little John

Take this.

Courgette

(moans) Aaahhh! Can’t I have it? He’s useless!

Will Scarlett

What effrontery!

Courgette

(pushes out her chest) Thank you, they’re all my ownery.

Little John

Oh all right (passes her the suoper-soaker) But don’t point it at anyone.

Courgette

(innocently) As if I would.

Will Scarlett

Favouritism!

Little John

Right, now what would you do if the forest caught fire?

Friar Tuck

I’d send for the fire brigade?

Little John

And what if they don’t get here on time?

Alan-a-Dale

All the oak trees turn into ash trees?

Little John

No, you two beat out the flames.

Little John hands them the cloth.

Alan & Will

Beat! Beat!

Will and Alan shake the cloth – dust flies everywhere.

Little John

Excellent! (to Robin & Tuck) And if that doesn’t work you two blow it out.

Robin & Tuck

Blow! Blow!

Courgette

What do I do?

Little John

You squirt.

Courgette

I beg your pardon?

Little John

Squirt! Squirt!

Courgette squirts Little John in the face.

Little John

What did you do that for?

Courgette

You said squirt.

Little John

Only when we’re ready!

Courgette

I was ready.

Little John

Marion will raise the alarm, and you will all beat blow and squirt in that order. Ready Marion?

Marion

Fire! Fire!

Alan & Will

Beat! Beat!

Robin & Tuck

Blow! Blow!

Courgette

Squirt! (squirts the audience)

Little John

That wasn’t very good. You’ll have to do it again.

Courgette

Reminds me of my honeymoon. I had to make my hubby do it over and over until he got it right. But he’s still useless at making the bed properly.

Little John

Raise the alarm!

Marion

Fire! Fire!

Alan & Will

Beat! Beat!

Robin & Tuck

Blow! Blow!

Courgette

Squirt! (squirts the audience)

Little John

That wasn’t much better.

Will Scarlett

Beating is hard work, can’t we have some help?

Friar Tuck

Blowing is much harder than beating.

Courgette

Well I’m quite happy squirting. (squirts whoever takes her fancy)

Little John

I’ll divide this lot up (to audience) The left side are beaters, the middle are blowers, and the right are squirts. Ready Marion?

Marion

Fire! Fire!

Alan & Will

Beat! Beat!

Robin & Tuck

Blow! Blow!

Courgette

Squirt!

Will Scarlett

Hang on! (points at audience) They’re blowing when they should be beating, and they’re beating when they should be squirting.

Little John

Once more, and get it right this time.

Marion

Fire! Fire!

Alan & Will

Beat! Beat!

Robin & Tuck

Blow! Blow!

Courgette

Squirt!

Little John

That’ll do for now (aside) I only hope we never have to put it into practice.

Robin

Now what was it Marion?

Marion

The Sheriff’s hiring tree-fellers to chop down Sherwood forest!

Friar Tuck

Lumberjacks!

Courgette

Language! And you a man of the cloth.

Will Scarlett

I used to be a lumberjack.

ALL

You?

Will Scarlett

Yes, leaping from tree to tree as they floated down the mighty River Trent. Many's the evening me and the lads stood proud around the campfire, singing the lumberjack song. Music cue 14: Will & Cast. After song ends…