Scene One

The Village Square Midvale

Granny Hood’s house is upstage right. Granny’s house is pretty and well looked after. There is a wreck of a house upstage left: the roof is falling off and the windows are broken. There is a poster stuck to the wall reading, ‘Empty House’. Downstage right and pointing off stage right is a road sign that reads, ‘To The Woods’. Villagers are singing and dancing. Music cue: After song ends…

Town Clerk enters carrying a clarion horn, which he is always unable to blow.

Town Clerk

Pray silence for his worship The Lord Mayor. (struggles to blow the horn)

Villagers laugh at him.

Villager 1

Come on! You’ll have to do better than that!

Villager 2

We’re waiting.

Town Clerk

Well you’ll just have to go on waiting, won’t you; The Lord Mayor has something very important to say to you but he won’t come on till he gets a proper fanfare. And I think this thing’s broken.

Villager 2 grabs the horn and blows it with a magnificent flourish.

Lord Mayor enters carrying a slipper and a rolled-up notice.

Lord Mayor

Well done, Cecil. You’ve obviously been practicing.

Town Clerk

(grabbing the horn) Thank you, Mr Mayor. I do my best.

Villager 1

Is your name really Cecil?

Lord Mayor

Yes, his name really is Cecil. But you mustn’t call him that. You must call him Town Clerk. Now gather round because I have some very important news for you.

Town Clerk

Gather round and listen very carefully to what his worship the Mayor has to say.

Villagers

Quiet, Cecil! We can’t hear what he’s saying, Cecil. Cecil! Be quiet! Etc…

Lord Mayor

Will you please be quiet; this is very important. How many of you have visited the zoo in Bigtown recently?

Villager 3

Me! I was there last week.

Villager 1

I was there about three weeks ago.

Villager 2

And I went with him.

Lord Mayor

And what was the biggest, scariest thing you saw there?

Villager 1

My mum.

Lord Mayor

I don’t believe this.

Villager 1

You haven’t seen my mum.

Villagers laugh.

Lord Mayor

I mean what was the biggest, scariest animal in the zoo?

Villager 2

That’s easy. It was the big bad wolf.

Lord mayor

So you’ve all seen the big bad wolf?

Villagers

Yes. I’ve been twice…I’ve been three times…I’ve seen it five times…Etc…

S. Villager

I’ve never seen it.

Lord mayor

You’ve never seen it? Oh my word! Tell her what it looks like.

Villager 1

: It’s big

Villagers

It’s big!

Villager 2

It’s hairy.

Villagers

It’s hairy!

Villager 3

It’s ferocious.

Villagers

It’s ferocious!

Town Clerk

It’s escaped.

Villagers

It’s esc…(suddenly exclaim)…it’s escaped?

Lord Mayor

I told you to break it to them gently, Cecil! Now I don’t want any of you to panic…

Villagers go into complete panic running around, waving their arms about and screaming that the big bad wolf has escaped

Lord Mayor

Do something, Cecil. Blow your horn.

Town again struggles to blow the horn.

Villager 2 grabs the horn and blows it and the Villagers stop panicking.

Lord Mayor

Well done, Cecil!

Town Clerk

(grabbing the horn) Thank you, Mr Mayor. I do my best.

Simon enters.

Simon

Hello! What’s going here then?

Villagers

The big bad wolf has escaped… It’ll eat us all up…We’re all doomed…Etc.

Simon

Oh no! How did it escape? What are we going to do?

Town Clerk

That’s what His Worship has come here to tell you. Now stop being so noisy and annoying and listen to His Worship the Mayor.

Lord Mayor

Thank you, Cecil. The big bad wolf escaped because the zookeeper man who took him his supper last night forgot to lock the cage door when he was leaving.

Town Clerk

And he didn’t realise he’d done that until he got home and put his slippers on ready to eat his supper in front of the telly.

Simon

Well why didn’t he sneak back to lock it?

Lord Mayor

He did.

Simon

And what happened?

Lord Mayor

The wolf ate him for his supper.

Villagers huddle together and cry.

Lord Mayor

Now there is no need to panic, good people. Luckily, I am an expert on the behaviour of big bad wolves and am about to give you the benefit of my expert advice.

Simon

Hurry up then!

Lord Mayor

Run away. Go home straight away and lock all the doors and… Umm… There was something else but I can’t remember what it was. (Town Clerk whispers in his ear) Oh yes. Stay out of the woods.

Simon

Why do we have to stay out of the woods?

Lord Mayor

That’s where big bad wolf went - into the woods.

Simon

He might not have. He might have gone to the seaside. That’s where I’d go if I ran away from somewhere: to the seaside!

Simon

Was it wearing slippers then?

Lord Mayor

(producing the slipper) We know where the big bad wolf went because we found this on the edge of the wood.

Lord Mayor

No it wasn’t wearing slippers! This is one of the slippers the zookeeper man was wearing when the wolf gobbled him up.

S. Villager

How big is it?

Lord Mayor

Eight and a half, I think. Why? Do you want it?

S. Villager

Not that! How big is the wolf?

Villager 1

Ooh, it’s massive!

Villager 2

Huge!

Villager 3

Ginormous!

Simon

Well I still don’t believe he’s gone in there. (pushes to the front and calls into the wood) Hellooo! Anybody there? Big Bad Wolf where are you? (short pause) See! I told you. There’s nothing there.

Town Clerk

Do you know, Your Worship, I do believe he’s right. There’s nothing there at all.

All start to relax and laugh amongst themselves.

All

Nothing there at all…Just being silly…Nothing to worry about…Etc.

SFX:

Eerie, howl of a wolf.

Villagers scatter in all directions screaming for their mums and exit.

Simon

(terrified) Oh no! They’ve left us on our own. There’s just the three of us now.

Lord Mayor

(placing a comforting arm around Simon’s shoulder) Actually there’s only you. But you’ll manage, won’t you?

Simon

You’re not running away too are you?

Lord Mayor

Certainly not! The Town Clerk and I are about to return to the town hall where I shall take full control of the situation.

Town Clerk

You said we were going to hide under the bed.

Lord Mayor

No I didn’t!

Town Clerk

Oh yes you did.

Work the audience.

Lord Mayor

Will you stop messing about? I have to get back to the town hall to…

Simon

Hide under the bed?

Lord Mayor

Certainly not. And don’t start all that again. Come along, Cecil. (begins to exit – turns to Simon) Oh, I almost forgot. You’d better put this notice up over there. And make sure that nobody goes into the woods until the big bad wolf has been captured.

Simon

But who’s going to capture it?

Lord Mayor

You can if you like. Bye.

Lord Mayor and Town Clerk exit.

Simon

Ooh, what am I going to do? Oh, hello, Boys and Girls. I didn’t see you there. I wouldn’t hang around here if I were you. There’s a big bad wolf on the loose and I’ve got make sure nobody goes into the wood. Wonder what this is? (unrolls the notice, which reads)