The Pirates Of The Panto - by John Austin

Characters
Fanny Haddock
Holly
Barry
Brad
Fred Seagull (a Pirate)
Scallop
Limpet
Stephanie Seagull / Mr Whelks
Fairy Mermaid
Gabriel (an Angelfish)
Coco (a Clownfish)

Corus Minor roles
Dancers
Townsfolk
Islanders
Sailors

	Fanny’s Fish Restaurant
	Brad & Holly enter (SR)
Holly	Oh thank you Brad, Mum will be pleased with this new basket of fish.
Brad	That's OK Holly, it’s done me a favour really. The only other fish shop has closed which means your Mum is my only customer now.
Holly	So what's happened to all the other shops.
Brad	I’ve not been able to provide enough fish to them all due to being harassed by the pirates. Without fish they’ve had to close. It’s just me and your Mum left now.
Holly	Lets hope Mum can stay open then.
Brad	I hope so or I’ll go out of business as well.
	Fanny enters (SL)
Fanny	Oh Brad darling, you have more fish for me.
Brad	Yes Mrs Haddock, these are what I had left over, it’s just you and me now.
Fanny	(sobbing) I know, I heard that ‘K.F.Seaweed’ closed today. It’ll be me next, I know it – I’ll be doomed!
Holly	(crosses to Fanny to comfort her) Don’t worry Mum, I’m sure Brad will still be able to provide enough fish for you.
Brad	That's right Mrs Haddock. Even with those pesky pirates about, I’ll still be able to catch enough fish for you. My boat is too fast for them to catch.
Fanny	Oh lets hope so Brad.
Holly	We’ll be fine Mum.
Brad	We’ll be able to keep each other in business if we stick together.
	SONG 4- Fanny, Holly & Brad sing ‘I’ll Be There For You’ (Friends Theme) or ‘Lets Stick Together’ or another
Fanny	I feel better now. If this was Aladdin I’d be able to rub a lamp and wish everything OK.
	Fairy Mermaid enters (SL) drunk but in control.
Fairy	You don’t need a lamp. You don’t need to rub, I’m here to help you, Now who’s for the pub?
Fanny	Who are you?
Fairy	Isn’t it obvious, There’s nothing to be said. I am your friendly, Hairy mermaid.
Fanny	Why are you talking in rhyme?
Fairy	I am special, The magical one. And in a Panto, That’s how it’s done.
Fanny	Well don’t, it’s annoying
Fairy	It has been written, My part has been cast. But for a quiet life, I’ll do ask you ask.
Fanny	Good,
Fairy	OK Jose,
Fanny	(sternly) Stop it,
Fairy	Oaky doaky,
Fanny	(sterner) Pack it I!
Brad	She’s rather peculiar looking.
Holly	Yes, something about her doesn’t look right.
Fairy	I am a mole and I live in a hole.
Fanny	(sternly) Stop it!
Brad	There’s something about her face that looks odd.
Holly	She seems to have more stubble than most women I know.
Fairy	I am a poet but don’t even know it.
Fanny	(threatening) For the last time, stop it.
Brad	(turns to Fairy) Why have you got a beard?
Fairy	Because I’m your ‘Hairy Mermaid’
Holly	Hairy mermaid?
Fairy	That's right.
Brad	Shouldn’t that be ‘Fairy Mermaid’?
Fairy	No, the script definitely said ‘Hairy Mermaid’
Fanny	I think you better look at the script again love.
Holly	Definitely, I’ve never seen a Panto with a ‘Hairy’ before.
Fairy	Hang on a minute, I’ll take a look. (swaggers over to prompt) Here, give me that script. (pulls at script, which also pulls prompt onto stage) Right where are we?
Prompt	(indicating a point in the script) There.
Fairy	Ok, now what does that line say?
Prompt	I am your friendly ‘Fairy’ Mermaid.
Fairy	Are you sure that says ‘Fairy’
Prompt	Yes, definitely.
Fairy	OK, fine (pushes prompt back to his chair) give me one minute. (exits SL – offstage) I could have sworn it said ‘Hairy’, now where are my clippers? (sound of electric clippers) that's better. (re-enters SL without beard, patting her face holding a bottle of old spice aftershave)
Fanny	Have you finished now?
Fairy	Yes that’s much better.
Holly	What's that smell.
Fairy	Old Spice, do you want some?
Holly	No thank you.
Fairy	Suit yourself. (drinks from the bottle)
Brad	You’re disgusting!
Fairy	And you’re sexy. (hiccups)
Holly	(abruptly) Hands off, lady!
Fanny	Look at you, you’re a mess. How can you help us? You can’t even stand up straight! Go away.
Fairy	(starts crying) Oh please let me help you, if I do a good deed I’ll get this curse lifted and get my legs back. I don’t like being half fish.
Holly	You mean you weren’t born a Mermaid?
Fairy	No, I used to be a normal person, but I got cursed for drunk and disorderly.
Fanny	Blimey, I knew prisons were full – but cursing people is a bit of an extreme alternative.
Fairy	You see, that's why I want to help. If I can get rid of this curse I’d promise to be good and give up drinking. I don’t like being legless.
Fanny	Oh, stop whinging. You can help us if you want to, but I don’t know how.
Fairy	Oh thank you, I do appreciate it. I’ll keep my eye on the situation and I’ll return when I may be of need. Good-bye for now. (exits SL)

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