Mother

It's all very well organising a party but these fellas have no idea have they girls? Has anyone seen Danny, he’s supposed to be helping me.

Danny enters (SR) with his hands in his pockets – audience reaction.

Mother

Where the devil have you been? Never mind, do you know how to mix a fruit cake?

Danny

Do I know how to mix a fruit cake, are you serious? Masterchef’s Midland Champion, Ainsley Harriett asks my advice, and you ask ‘do I know how to mix a fruit cake’?

Mother

Well, do you?

Danny

No.

Mother

What have I done to deserve this? There’s a list of ingredients, put them into a mixing bowl, onto a baking tray and then into the oven.

Danny

Ok, leave it to me.

Mother

When you’ve done that, go into the garden and find me something to put into a pie and don’t make a mess.

Danny

Don’t worry, its all under control.

Mother

Right, I’ll see you later then. (exits DSL)

Danny goes to the table, puts the items off the list into a large mixing bowl – then transfers everything on to a baking tray and then into the oven.

Danny

Now then something for the pie. (exits USL)

Fairy Nuff enters (SR) with Priscilla.

Nuff

Here we are Priscilla, this is Mother Goose’s cottage. She’s kind and will look after you but watch out for that wicked fairy Witch Hazel. I’m going to leave you now but don’t worry I won’t be far away. You know what to do don’t you? (Priscilla nods) Goodbye for now, I’ll see you soon. (exits SR)

Priscilla walks about upstage looking around.

Mother Goose enters (DSL) and doesn’t notice Priscilla.

Mother

Danny, Danny, Where is that fool? (Priscilla moves behind her and gives her a peck on the back of the neck) Ooooh, Danny. I didn’t know you cared (Priscilla pecks her again) Do you mind, we’ve got company. (Priscilla pecks her) Your chin feels a bit rough, have you shaved today? (turns round and sees Priscilla for the first time) It’s happened at last, some people see pink elephants, I see a large white goose. (to audience) but you can’t see it can you? (‘oh yes you can’ business) You mean its real? Its that Danny’s fault, I asked him to get something to put in a pie and he’s brought me this, but you don’t want to go in a pie do you? (Priscilla shakes her head) You’re much too nice for that aren’t you? (Priscilla nods)

Mother

What are you doing here?

Priscilla whispers in Mother Goose’s ear.

Mother

You’ve got nowhere to live? Aaaah!

Priscilla whispers again.

Mother

And you’ve got no mummy or daddy.

Priscilla whispers again.

Mother

And you’ve got no friends.

Priscilla whispers again.

Mother

Nobody loves you? If you’ve got nowhere to go, you’d better stay with us. Would you like that?

Priscilla nods.

Danny enters ((USL) carrying a small house.

Danny

This is all I could find.

Mother

What good is that?

Danny

I thought you could make a cottage pie, (spotting Priscilla) Blimey, what’s that?

Mother

This is Priscilla, our goose. Priscilla this is Danny Dimwit.

Priscilla curtsies.

Danny

Well, if you’re going to have one, have a big one. (to Mother Goose) I’ll keep it occupied, you ring Bernard Matthews.

Mother

You idiot, she’s going to live with us. Take her into the other room and find her something soft to lie on.

Danny exits with Priscilla.

Scratch & Sniff enter, Scratch carries a scroll.

Mother

Blimey, its Rosie and Jim, What do you want?

Scratch

(reading the scroll) Mother Goose you are charged with obtaining food by deception and diddling the Squire out of his rent. Unless you pay up immediately, we will throw you in jail. Squires orders.

Sniff

Yes, Squires orders. (sniffs loudly)

Mother

Can’t you do something about that?

Scratch

Sorry. Noses run in his family.

Jack & Jill enter. (SR)

Jill

Mother, what’s happened? (indicating Scatch & Sniff) What do these two want?

Mother

A thick ear if they stay.

Scratch

Don’t try anything, you’ll only make it worse for yourself.

Sniff

(leaning over Scratch’s shoulder) Yeah! (sniffs)

Scratch

Put a sock in it!

Sniff

Are you going to pay up or do we drag you off to jail?

Jill

Jail? Mother, what do they mean?

Sniff

We mean business. (sniffs)

Jack

I’m sure this is a mistake, let me pay.

Mother

No...I can’t let you do that. I must face the music and pay the price.

FX:

Loud thump off stage.

Jack

What was that?

Scratch

An Oscar for best actress.

Danny enters carrying a large golden egg.

Danny

Mother Goose, you’ll never guess what Priscillas done in the next room.

Mother

Oh, no! Not on my clean floor!

Danny

No, Look! (holding out golden egg)

Mother

There’s nothing clever in that, all geese lay eggs, well lady geese’s do anyway.

Jack

No Mother Goose, look closer it’s made of gold!

Mother

Yes! Yes! A geese that lays golden eggs! (penny drops) You realise what this means? We’re going to be rich (taking the egg and giving it to Sniff) Here give this to the Squire and tell him that pays my debts in full.

FX:

Another thump is heard off stage.

Mother

Danny, go and check that.

Danny exits & returns with a larger egg.

Danny

Look at this one. (hands it to Jack)

Sniff

We can’t hang around here all day, we’ve got to get this back to the Squire.

Scratch & Sniff exit (SL) with the first egg.

FX:

Another thump is heard off stage.

Danny

I know, check the goose. (exits and returns with a larger egg)

Jill

Look at the size of that one.

Mother

At last, it will give me an air of respectability.

Danny

(putting the egg down) It’ll give you a bad back.

Villagers enter.

Villagers

Where is it? Can I see it? Is it true?

Mother

I wondered how long it would take to get around the village.

Villager 1

Is it true what we’ve heard?

Villager 2

Where’s the goose?

Villager 3

Its not a goose, its an ostrich.

Mother

(to audience) What did I tell you, two minutes and every one knows.

Villager 4

Can we have a look?

Villager 5

Is it really gold?

Villager 6

Please can we see the goose?

Mother

Of course you can. (calls)Priscilla!

Priscilla enters.

Villager 7

Doesn’t she walk funny.

Danny

So would you if you’d just laid that.

Jill

Just think Mother, we’ll be able to extend the cottage so Jack and I can live there when were married.

Mother

Extend the cottage? You’re not living in a place like that. I’ll have a palace built, after all, we’re in the money now.