Act One

Scene Two

Delilah enters on cell phone

DELILAH

Hello Dahling, Yes. Things seem to be going swimmingly. The old goat and I are making sweet music together. (admires expensive bracelet) I am finding him very generous. Yes, I remember Simon hates Detroit and loves the Cleveland Browns. His favorite dish is pork chops and his favorite dessert is tapioca pudding. Ugh. (pause) I know that he picks up show girls and expects them to act like June Cleaver. All Pollyanna and polka dots. I am making sure that enough people see us together that the marriage story will hold. You just make sure you do your part, Dahling. You handle your end and I will handle mine. (wiggles butt) It’s not like I haven’t done this before. Oh yes. He is getting pretty randy. Don’t worry. We don’t swing till I get the ring. (exits)

Hester enters on cell phone.

HESTER

Hello Mrs. Pringle. This is Hester Lagrue. Would you please put out a memo to all employees. This regards the Christmas party. We will hold it after work, December twenty third at Bob’s Barbecue. We will have lots of spiked punch and carol singing. Oh and Santa will make an appearance to light the tree and pass out presents. Thank you dear. (closes phone)

Raymond enters in drag.

RAYMOND

Hello Aunt Hester.

HESTER

Hello Raymond. Well look at you. You look almost like a woman.

RAYMOND

Thank you, Aunt Hester. So do you.

HESTER

How is theater life. You must be playing very exotic characters.

RAYMOND

I’m versatile. I perform as either Raymond or Ramona. That way I can get twice as many roles not to mention twice as many dates. What is the family powwow about?

HESTER

I’m not sure. Your father is tightening the screws right now, especially on company expenses.

RAYMOND

I have nothing to hide. Oops. (bra strap slips) I can’t figure out why I got the royal summons. The old man hasn’t contacted me in years. Not since that drop dead performance I gave at the fundraiser he sponsored. I suppose I had better go upstairs and see what kind of room I have. I hope he remembered I can’t abide anything black. The last time I stayed here I think I got stuck with the Alfred Hitchcock room. (exits)

HESTER

(answers cell phone) Yes, Mrs. Pringle. What’s the problem with the Christmas party? (pause) Well it certainly wasn’t my intention to exclude the Jewish employees. Of course Hanukkah is every bit as important as Christmas. (pause) What is this about Kwanzaa? Well suppose we just change the name and call it a holiday party. That should cover everyone. We won’t have a Christmas tree and we won’t sing carols. (closes phone) Honestly.

MARK

How’s the party girl?

HESTER

I think the Puritans had the right idea about not celebrating the holidays.

MARK

I should be running that party. I used to do all the parties for my college fraternity.

HESTER

Which frat was that? Tappa Kegga Beer? By the way, Raymond is here. Or is it Ramona? (answers phone) Yes, Mrs. Pringle. No, I was not aware that the letters in Santa also spell Satan. How could that possibly matter to anyone? All right. All right. There won’t be a Santa at the party. (closes phone) Bah Humbug.

They exit.

Scene Three

SIMON

When you see Irma tell her I want to hear from my attorney right away about the papers I told him to prepare.

HESTER

What papers are you talking about?

SIMON

You’ll find out soon enough.

HESTER

Irma wanted me to find out when you want to schedule your physical. Your diabetes needs to be checked.

SIMON

I can put that off for a while. I hate doctors. They are just lawyers with stethoscopes. How is the Christmas party coming?

HESTER

I’m working on it. (Simon exits. Hester opens phone) Hello, Mrs. Pringle. Please send out another employee memo. (checks to make sure Simon is gone) About the anonymous note I received from a member of the Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non drinking table. Tell them I will be happy to accommodate them but they should remember if they sit at a table marked AA Only they won’t be anonymous anymore. And make a note to put all the members of Overeaters Anonymous at the table farthest from the dessert buffet. All the gays can sit together and see there are flower arrangements on their table. I hope that takes care of everyone. (closes phone)

MARK

(enters) What’s the matter, Aunt Hester. You can’t be having too much trouble with that party. It should be a piece of cake. Christmas is easy.

HESTER

You’d think so, wouldn’t you. I’d like to get my hands on the idiot who thought a mix of cultures was a great idea. Should we have sushi?

MARK

Please don’t. That stuff looks like what spies swallow when they don’t want to be taken alive.

RAYMOND

(enters) I hope you don’t mind, Mark. I borrowed your car to go get my legs waxed.

MARK

I hope you didn’t touch that shotgun in the front seat. I borrowed it from a friend for my hunting trip and I was returning it today. I think it was still loaded.

RAYMOND

It was loaded all right. When I hit a big pothole it went off. The shots went through the sunroof.

MARK

I don’t have a sunroof.

RAYMOND

You do now. (Mark rushes out) I hear the old man has found a new playmate. Do you know anything about her?

HESTER

No. She came out of nowhere. None of us have met her. Her name is Delilah.

RAYMOND

Delilah?

HESTER

Yes. Why?

RAYMOND

Oh nothing. Put me in mind of someone I once knew. Can’t be any connection. I say, Old Girl. I have to steam the wrinkles out of my dresses. Is there an iron around here?

HESTER

I don’t know. You’ll have to look around. I don’t use one.

RAYMOND

(rolls eyes) Obviously. (exits)

HESTER

(opens phone) Yes, Mrs. Pringle. (pause. Starts yelling) I’ve had it with those people. We are going to hold the dinner at Bob’s Barbecue whether the vegetarians like it or not. They can just sit at the table farthest from the grill of death as they put it, and they can have salad bar only. But you can tell them tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them screaming. Tell everyone I hope they all have a rotten holiday. I hope they all drive drunk and die. (exits)

Scene Four

Mark enters on cell phone.

MARK

I just can’t pay you anything on my account yet. I don’t have the money and I won’t till I start winning again. (pause) No, I can’t go to my uncle. In fact he is talking about firing me and might even cut me out of the will. This would be the last straw. Yes, right now I stand to inherit a bundle. It shouldn’t be too long. My uncle is way past his expiration date. Yes, I understand you can’t wait. I’ll work something out and get back to you. (closes phone and picks up golf club and practices his swing. Almost hits Delilah who enters with folders) Oops. Sorry. I didn’t see you. Are you a sales rep? Do you have an appointment.

DELILAH

No. I’m not a sales rep. I stopped by to talk to Simon Lagrue.

MARK

He’s not here but I’m his nephew Mark. Anything I can do for you?

DELILAH

My name is Delilah. Delilah Jones.

MARK

Oh. You must be Uncle Simon’s latest - um - friend.

DELILAH

That’s right. Simon and I have a lot in common.

MARK

What night club do you perform at?

DELILAH

I am not a performer. I’m a stock options trader. Your uncle is considering taking this company public. That means a complete overhaul of business practices.

MARK

You mean we would have to answer to a board and all the stock holders?

DELILAH

You bet your sweet assets. I think you can all expect a whole new set of rules. You know how it goes. Sometimes you‘re the bird and sometimes you‘re the windshield. I‘d better look for Simon. (watches his swing) Too much hook on that swing. (exits)

MARK

Hook is right. (Raymond enters) Raymond. I think we are having a crisis here.

RAYMOND

If I can’t find my blue chiffon, there certainly will be.

MARK

Your father might be taking this company public.

RAYMOND

What difference does that make to me?

MARK

It means a lot stricter rules.

RAYMOND

I don’t work for the company.

MARK

It could put an end to those hefty checks you’ve been collecting under the company policy of (pause) support for the arts.

RAYMOND

They can’t stop those checks. I would have to support myself. Really, Mark. We have to do something to stop him.

They exit.

Simon enters on cell phone.

SIMON

Alfred. Did I leave my gold watch at your place? I can’t find it anywhere and I thought I might have left it in your office. It has a lot of sentimental value. Belonged to my father. He sold it to me on his deathbed. Have you finished the paperwork yet? Some of my family members have quite a shock coming. I’ve decided to make a clean sweep. A few people around here are going to learn what it means to work for a living. I’m starting to feel dizzy. Must be my sugar. I’d better get home and get some insulin. Now don’t you tell anyone in the family about the changes I’m making. I want it to be a surprise. (exits)

DINNER – INTERVAL