Front tabs open to The Great Hall of Camelot) Lively medieval music in background, lots of excited chatter and bustle. All main characters and chorus on at back, Mordred & Block & Tackle together. Dame moves forward and sets the scene as music begins to fade.

Dame

Oh hello you lot! My name’s Nurse Bertha Bloomer and I’m Nurse to Princess Guinevere. Basically I look after her and all her ladies in waiting. I still haven’t worked out what they’re waiting for, but I don’t think it’s arrived yet. Maybe it’s a horse and cart and three will turn up at once! Anyway we’ve been having a bit of a knees up because Sir Prancelot, he’s the one there, saved King Arthur’s life and Arthur is making him his champion, that means he has to fight when The King is challenged. He saved his life by slaying a dragon that had knocked The King out and was about to eat him for breakfast, so he says, but I know better, oh yes. What really happened was, the dragon died of old age before he had chance to eat The King, but he thought it was Sir Prancelot that saved him, daft apeth.

Sir Veillance

Ah Nurse Bertha, I would like you to find out what Mordred is doing here, I’m sure he wasn’t invited.

Dame

Why of course (to audience again) That’s Sir Veillance, he’s head of castle security and guardian of Princess Guinevere. King Arthur’s right hand man. Not a man to be trifled with. He’s a bit serious. They say the last time he smiled was when he was a baby and that was because he had wind!

Arthur

Guinevere, you look more beautiful every time I see you. Do you think Sir Veillance will ever let us marry?

Guinevere

He says I can’t get married for another five years.

Arthur

I would wait a hundred and five if I had to.

Dame

Ah! Loves young dream, they’ll soon learn. Oh, I suppose I better find out what old ferret features is doing here then. I’ve just had an idea. His name’s Mordred but he used to get called Morbid at school and he hates it. Do you think you could shout "Hello Morbid" every time he comes on. Go on give it a try now after three. …That’s not very loud, try again etc.

Mordred

Who said Hello Morbid?

Block & Tackle

It was them lot your horribleness. (pointing to audience)

Mordred

What, this bunch of peasants?

Dame

No, no, no, I asked them to name a famous racehorse and they said Desert Orchid! (changing the subject) Anyway what’s a handsome brute like you doing in a place like this?

Mordred

I just came to hail The Kings new Champion like everyone else. By the way, don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Block & Tackle

Ha-ha-ha! (laughing & pointing)

Dame

You cheeky monkey! (Dame clobbers him) and as for you two, if brains were chocolate you wouldn’t have enough to fill a smartie! (flounces off).

Mordred

(to audience, Block &Tackle either side) As you have probably gathered, I am Mordred.

Block

He’s Mordred.

Mordred

(slightly irritated) Son of Morgana the sorceress.

Tackle

Son of Morgana the sorceress.

Mordred

(slightly more irritated) And I am going to be ruler of this land.

Block

And he is going to be…

Mordred

…Will you stop repeating everything I say!

Block & Tackle

Sorry your Loathsomeness.

Mordred

Why don’t you go and play in the woods, you could try to catch a squirrel?

Block & Tackle

How do we do that?

Mordred

Climb a tree and act like nuts! It shouldn’t be too difficult.

Tackle

But what if…?

Mordred

Go! (exit Block & Tackle) Now where was I. Ah yes, I am going to be ruler of this land and I have a master plan. I shall challenge King Arthur to a jousting tournament for the hand of the Princess Guinevere. Under the Knights code he will be unable to refuse. When I have defeated him I shall take Excalibur and proclaim myself King of the land! Ha ha ha ha ….etc. (strides off to challenge Arthur) King Arthur! I challenge you to a joust for the hand of Princess Guinevere!

Gasps of shock, horror from all.

Guinevere

Arthur No!

Sir Veillance

No my Lord!

Arthur

I’m afraid I am bound by the Knights code and must accept, but I shall put forward my Champion Sir Prancelot to fight for me. We shall meet tomorrow at (local football pitch or recreation ground), 10:30 kick-off.

Sir Prancelot

(aside to audience as he cowers away) Oh dear, I think this is going to hurt!

Mordred

Till tomorrow then (to audience). Then this land will be mine, mine, all mine ha ha ha ha …etc.

Exit Mordred.

Guinevere

Oh Arthur I’m so frightened, what if Mordred wins?

Arthur

I have every confidence in Sir Prancelot and I would never let anything happen to you, I promise. Now lets see a smile.

Music Cue 2: Words, The Bee Gees, Arthur & Guinevere duet. At end of song they walk off arm in arm as: Front tabs close.

Scene Two

Outside The Castle

In front of tabs, somewhere outside the castle. Block and Tackle enter.

Tackle

Hey, Block?

Block

Yes Tackle me old mate?

Tackle

What did old morbid features want us to do?

Block

Let loose all the horses in Camelot so Sir Prancelot wouldn’t have a steed for the joust, then he would have to forfeit.

Tackle

Why would Sir Prancelot have four feet?

Block

(to audience) He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. (back to tackle) Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Tackle

No, but they used to wrap my school sandwiches up in a map. (to audience) Do you know, he’s always saying unkind things to me (get an ah from audience) more unkind than that.

Block

Oh, don’t encourage him please.

Tackle

Would you like a sweet? (produces a solitary unwrapped boiled sweet from his pocket and rubs it on his trousers and hands it to Block)

Block

Thank you. (he puts it in his mouth)

Tackle

Do you like it?

Block

Mmm!

Tackle

My dog didn’t. He just licked it once then spat it out!

Block

Arrgh! (he spits it out and starts whacking tackle)

Tackle

‘Ere, steady on. I’ll have you know, I’m not well.

Block

Why what’s the matter?

Tackle

I keep getting stomachache.

Block

Is it something you ate.

Tackle

Could be. I’ve been eating snooker balls.

Block

Snooker balls?

Tackle

Yeah. I have a red and a black for breakfast, two reds a blue and a pink for dinner and a red and a brown for tea.

Block

Stop right there. I know what your problem is, you’re not getting enough greens!

Tackle

(amazed) Oh yeah, I never thought of that. ‘Ere, do you remember the first time we met?

Block

Unfortunately yes.

Tackle

You helped me out then too, you took my bike off me because you said I might fall off and hurt myself and you even rode it so I didn’t have to carry it.

Block

Yes and you’ve stuck to me like a shadow ever since.

Music Cue 3: Me and My Shadow (Frank Sinatra / Sammy Davis Jnr swing arrangement) Song & Dance – Block & Tackle

Block

Come on lets sort them horses out for Morbid.