Jack & The Beanstalk - by Limelight Scripts
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Jack & The Beanstalk - by Limelight Scripts |
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Characters
Chorus/Minor Roles
Milkmaids
Gremlins
Fairies
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Trott’s Dairy |
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Music cue 10: Milkmaids. After song ends… Dame Trott leads Daisy on (SR) Dame Trott wears a fancy hat and carries a bucket. Daisy dribbles with a football Dame Trott picks up the football and throws it onto Daisy’s head. |
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Dame trott |
Well headed Daisy. (to audience) She’s having trials with Uddersfield town, but she’ll probably end up at Cow-dung-beath? That’s enough practice for now Daisy. It’s time to earn your keep. |
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Milkmaid |
Are you going to milk her? |
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Dame trott |
Yes. |
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Milkmaid |
What, in that hat? |
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Dame trott |
No, in this bucket. |
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Simon enters (SR) |
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Simon |
Hiya girls! |
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Milkmaids |
Hi Simon! |
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Milkmaid |
Where’s your Jack? |
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Simon |
He’s gone up the hill with Jill. |
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Milkmaid |
Oh yes? I’ll bet it’s not to fetch water. (giggles) |
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Dame trott |
You cheeky thing. |
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Simon |
Do you want me to do anything? |
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Dame trott |
Yes, put the bucket under Daisy while I hold her steady. |
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Simon outs the bucket between Daisy’s front legs. |
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Dame trott |
Not there you nincompoop! The udder end! |
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Simon moves the bucket under Daisy’s udders. |
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Dame Trott places a milking-stool next to Daisy and sits. |
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Dasisy moves to the left. |
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Dame trott |
What’s the matter with you Daisy? |
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Dame Trott moves the stool to the other side of Daisy and sits. |
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Dasisy moves to the right.. |
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Dame trott |
It’s like trying to milk a metronome. Now stand still Daisy and let mummy milk you. |
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Dame trott moves the stool and sits. |
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Daisy sits on Dame Trott. |
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Dame trott |
Gerroff! I sit. You stand. Got it? |
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Daisy stands. |
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Dame Trott sits on the stool and grabs Daisy’s udders. |
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Daisy crosses her back legs. |
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Simon |
Did you remember to warm your hands first? |
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Dame trott |
Course I did. Now listen Daisy. I’ve had just about enough of this. |
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Simon |
What a cantankerous old cow! |
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Milkmaid |
That’s no way to speak to your mother. |
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Simon |
I was talking about Daisy! Here let me have a go, mum. |
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Milkmaid |
(giggles) This’ll be good. |
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Simon puts the bucket under Daisy and pumps her tail up and down. |
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Simon |
Is anything coming out? |
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Dame trott |
No. |
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Simon |
I’ll go and fetch my hat. |
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Dame trott |
What for. |
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Simon |
It might help if I looked the part. |
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Dame trott |
It might help if you had a brain. |
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Simon exits and returns wearing a white hat. |
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Simon |
Brace yourself Daisy. |
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Simon pumps Daisy’s tail furiously. |
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FX: |
Breaking wind sound. |
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FX: |
Simon’s hat blows off into the wing. |
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Milkmaid |
That’s put the wind up him. |
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Milkmaids laugh. |
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King, Queen, Puch & Shove enter (SL) |
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Milkmaid |
We’ve got visitors! |
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Dame trott |
A royal visit! Whatever can this mean? |
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Simon |
Maybe they’re going to give us the royal charter. |
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Milkmaid |
Yes. Then Daisy’s milk will be by royal appintment? |
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Milkmaids laugh. |
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Dame trott |
Go and muck out the cowshed you lot. |
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Milkmaids groan and exit. |
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Dame trott |
What can we do for you you’re cheesiness? |
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Queen |
The palace has run out of milk. |
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King |
And I can’t have my Cheerios without milk. |
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Dame trott |
Then you’ve come to the right place. Tell them Simon. |
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Simon |
(quickly We’ve got semi-skimmed, full cream, half-cream and ice cream. Gold top, silver top, bronze top and fizzy-pop. Clotted cream, potted cream, sour cream and whipped cream. And this. |
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Simon passes a milk-carton in front of the King’s eyes. |
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King |
What’s that? |
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Simon |
Past-your-eyes. (pasteurised) |
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King |
Have you got sterilised? |
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Dame trott |
Well it did cross my mind after I had Simon. |
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Simon |
Trott’s Dairy has every kind of milk you can name. |
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Royal Party |
Oh no you haven’t! |
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Simon |
Oh yes we have! |
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Royal Party |
Oh no you haven’t! |
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Simon |
You name it, and if we don’t have it I’ll give you my next weeks wages. |
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Shove |
You’re on. |
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Simon brings a box forward. |
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Simon |
Ready? |
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Shove |
Reindeer milk. |
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Simon reaches into the box and hands a carton to Shove. |
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Shove |
This isn’t deer milk! |
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Simon |
It’s five pounds a carton. |
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Shove |
That’s dear all right. |
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Push |
Goats milk. |
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Simon hands a carton to Push. |
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Push |
Are you sure this is goat’s milk? |
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Simon |
I kid you not. |
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Shove |
Sheep’s milk. |
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Simon hands a carton covered in wool to Shove. |
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Shove |
This is sheep’s milk? |
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Simon |
Ewe better believe it. |
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Push |
Oh this is too easy. I know. Elephant’s milk. |
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Simon |
Elephants milk!? |
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Push |
You said anything. |
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Simon |
I know, but elephant’s milk!? |
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Push |
Show me elephant’s milk, or lose the bet. |
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Simon trudges off sadly. He turns and pleads. |
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Simon |
But that’s not fair! |
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Push |
It’s perfectly fair. |
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Simon exits (SR) and returns staggering under a huge milk-carton. |
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Simon |
How would you like to carry a carton this size? |
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Shove |
Have mercy Percy! |
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King |
That’ll never fit in the fridge! |
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Queen |
Daisy’s milk will be just fine thank you. |
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Dame trott |
It would be if we could get any. But she’s not in the mood I’m afraid. |
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King |
Let’s just go to Tesco instead. |
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Queen |
Yes, at least one will get clubcard points. |
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King |
Oh hang on though, I wouldn’t mind taking one of Dame Trott’s famous custard tarts for tea. |
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Dame trott |
It just so happens I just made a fresh batch this morning your squidgyness. Fetch them in Simon. |
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Simon |
Ok mum (Simon exits and returns with a custard-pie) Here we are your Maj. |
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Push stops him. |
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Push |
Hang on, how do we know they’re fit to eat? |
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Dame trott |
How dare you! |
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Simon |
Trott’s patisseries are the finest in Merrydale. |