The Pyramid of Doom (re-dressed/re-lit main set)

We see an Egyptian Court. Everything is gold or sandstone in colour. On a gold throne in the centre sits King Ra (played by Mayor actor) who is dressed in gold finery, a gold beard and covered in gold jewellery. Around him are many Guards, each of which carries a spear. Hieroglyphics are painted on most of the scenery and set-dressing Music Cue 20: ‘Walk like an Egyptian’ by the Bangles. As the music breaks, lots of scantily-clad Egyptian Dancing Girls move onstage and perform a hi-energy dance routine. After number ends…Number ends.

Suddenly there is a kerfuffle (SL) and Jack, Beryl, Eleanor and the Horseman are dragged/pushed onstage by more burly Guards at the point of spear.

King Ra

By the Gods! What circus of cretinous creatures is this?

Guard 1

King Ra! High Emperor of all Egypt. Blessed Nobility of the Nile. Most Mighty Builder of pointy buildings….

King Ra

Yes, yes, I know all that. Speak!

Guard 1

We discovered these people on the road leading past your Pyramid. They could be spies! Saboteurs! Or even…charity collectors!

Collective gasp of horror from all in the room.

King Ra

Charity collectors? By the Gods! Drown them in the Nile! Cast them into the desert to burn under the unforgiving sun. Throw them into a pit of scorpions. Read them Victoria Beckham’s autobiography!

All

Ooooooh!

Guard 2

My king! No man nor beast deserves that final terror!

King Ra

You think me unmerciful? Then I shall give them a chance. Speak, you insidious serpents. Why have you invaded my kingdom?

Jack

Listen mate, we not invaders.

Eleanor

We’re just trying to get to the Giant’s Castle

Beryl

To steal back the Egg of Dreams.

Headless

And restore peace and happiness to the land of Ufonia.

King Ra

What nonsense is this? If you can do no better, then prepare for Chapter One.

He pulls out a large book from the side of his throne with ‘Victoria Beckham: My Story’ written on it. He opens it. Instinctively, everyone in the court claps their hands over their ears.

Eleanor

Wait! Before you drive us insane with that terrible tool of torture, is there nothing we can do to save our souls?

King Ra

Well, I am always looking for better dancers! (glares at his dancing girls who look ashamed) I shall show my merciful side. If you impress me with your dancing, I shall set you free and send you on your way.

Beryl

Then you’re in luck! I have the natural rhythm and athletic grace of a Tom Jones kiss-a-gram.

Headless

And actually, years of dancing around my room to ‘Material Girl’ has made me surprisingly adept at ‘getting on down’!

Jack

Erm, actually, I’m not really much of a dancer.

Eleanor

Nor I.

King Ra

(opens Victoria’s biography) Ahem. ‘ I first realised I was destined for greatness when I….’

Everyone in the court screams and claps their hands over their ear.

The Gang

‘Nooooooooo!....Mercy!…Anything but that!….Spare us!’…etc.

King Ra

Enough. Bring forth the headless one and bring forth the woman that looks like a lumberjack in a nightdress. Bring forth the hideous, pale-faced, floppy-haired freak….and then the girl with the scissorhands.

Headless, Beryl, Eleanor and Jack are pulled to centre stage.

King Ra

My musicians will play. You shall dance. Or die! (returns to his throne)

Eleanor

(to Jack) I’m sorry we didn’t know each other long. Farewell Jack.

Jack

Hey! We’re not dead yet.

Beryl

Don’t fret all. Just do what I do. Finally, it’s Beryl’s time to shine!

Headless

I’m too beautiful to die! Music Cue 21: (director’s choice)

Music begins. Beryl demonstrates a move and moment later the others follows it. It is a combination of every dance style ever invented. At least the bad ones.

Halfway through, King Ra looks bored and then angry. He stands up and claps his hands. His Guards move in, spears raised.

Suddenly, all four dance in perfect unison, as though as one, no longer waiting for Beryl to demonstrate. The King holds up his hand, curious, and the Guards return to their posts.

The music and sight becomes more impressive. The Gang dance and dance, finally ending in a dramatic pose. After number ends.

The Court applauds them.

King Ra steps forward and raises his hand. Silence falls immediately.

Beryl

Not bad eh?

King Ra

Throw them to the Scorpions!

Music Cue 22: Danger and dread! The Gang scream and huddle. The Guards raise their spears and slowly advance on them. After number ends…

Indiana

(off) Not so fast, Ra! It’s whip-cracking time! Music Cue 23: ‘Indiana Jones’ theme.

Indiana Jones, complete with fedora, coiled whip on his belt, leather satchel, leather jacket and designer stubble either dramatically drops and slides down a rope onto the stage (if possible), swings onto the stage, or merely steps out from behind the King’s throne where he’s been hiding all this time. HE decks both Guards with punches.

FX

Impact hits.

Indiana leaps to the side of the King and pulls him against him, pulling out a revolver from a holster and holding it to his head.

The Gang

Indiana Jones?!

Beryl

Oh what a mighty weapon!

Indiana

Sorry?

Beryl

Your gun.

Indiana

Oh. (to Guards) Call off your dogs Ra before I ventilate your brain!

King Ra

Back away! Back away!!

They do so.

Indiana

Nicely done boys.

King Ra

What are you doing here Jones? Come to steal more of my precious treasures to sell for money? Or just to romance half my harem?

Indiana

Actually I heard a rumour that a travelling band of circus freaks were going to break into the Giant’s Castle to steal the Egg of Dreams. Now that’s a prize worth getting my strong, manly, perfectly manicured hands on.

Headless

Circus freaks? I hope you’re not referring to me!

Jack

We’re not going to sell it! We’re going to use it’s power to free Ufonia from the Giant’s evil clutches

Indiana

Who cares? My publicity agent says my media profile needs boosting. Grabbing this Egg thingummy could get me a three-page spread in Vanity Fair. After all, a heroic, macho, manly hunk of lust like me can’t waste these dreamy blue eyes and chiselled good looks on the Ufonia Gazette! (strikes a heroic pose)

The Gang

(looking at each other) Oh, brother!

One of the Girl Dancers runs onstage and up to him with a large poster of him smiling at the camera and giving a thumbs up.

Dancer

Sorry to bother you Mr Jones, but I’m your biggest fan. Could you sign my poster?

Indiana

Ha! I’m a little busy now my darling but, I’m free on Thursday. Drinks at my place? Seven o’clock? Just bring a bottle and bad intentions.

Dancer giggles hysterically and runs happily off.

Indiana

It’s been fun Ra but there’s an interval coming up and we’ve got a schedule to keep. Gotta go. The door is that way kids! Go!

Headless, Beryl, Jack and Eleanor runs off (SR)

Indiana breaks free of Ra and runs to (SR) holding the gun out. The Guards circle menacingly.