The Village Square Merryvale.

Alice, Villagers and Milkmaids are singing and dancing in front of Dame Trott’s dairy. Adjoining the dairy is a cowshed with a top-opening stable-door. The dairy has a sign reading "dame trott’s diary. Milk, creem and chease". There is a white picket fence indicating a back garden attached to the side of the dairy up stage right and a garden bench outside the dairy.

Music cue 1: After song ends…The villagers gather together and talk excitedly.

Villager 1

Did you hear that thunder last night?

All

Yes! Wasn’t it awful? Terrible! I was really frightened! Etc…

Villager 2

My mum says that thunder is just the giant moving his furniture around.

Alice

That’s rubbish! It isn’t that at all!

Villager 2

Yes it is! My mum says it is and my mum’s never wrong.

Villager 3

Well she’s wrong about that

Villager 2

Is she?

Villager 3

Yes! He’s not moving furniture about at all… He’s sharpening his knife and fork ready for his dinner!

Villager 4

No. It’s the sound of him stacking up all the bones of all the little children he ate the day before.

Villager 5

Hundreds of them!

Alice

Oh stop it, you horrible lot; you’ll frighten the milkmaids!

Milkmaid 1

I’m frightened already.

Alice

Don’t be silly. There’s no need to be frightened of what they say.

Villager 2

No. The one you should be frightened of is big, ugly, hungry giant Bloodguzzle …

Villager 3

Especially when he’s moving furniture, sharpening his knife and stacking bones…

Milkmaids start to cry.

Alice

Now look what you’ve done! Stop talking about the giant.

Villager 1

Alice is right. Don’t say the word ‘giant’.

Milkmaids scream.

Villager 2

I wasn’t going to say ‘giant’

Milkmaids scream.

Alice

Look, it’s quite simple: you mustn’t say G - I - A - N - T!

Milkmaids look at each other and ‘tut’

Milkmaid

We might be little but we’re not stupid!

Milkmaids scream.

Alice

Oh, please stop screaming. It’s still early and you’ll wake Dame Trott.

Dame Trott

(off) What’s all that noise out there? I’m trying to get some beauty sleep in here.

Villager 3

Too late! She’s already awake. And here she comes!

Dame Trott enters.

Dame Trott

What’s going on out here? Can’t you lot read?

Villager 4

Course we can.

Dame Trott

Oh you can, can you? (indicates the sign) So you’ll be able to read that then, won’t you!

Villager 4

Better than you can spell it!

General laughter.

Dame Trott

Ooh you cheeky lot! That there sign says ‘Dame Trott’s Dairy’. It does not say, ‘Meeting Place for Tone-Deaf Villagers to Sing and Dance and Wake Up Dame Trott and Upset Her Little Milkmaids What is Now Crying When They Should be Milking’. Does it? Now clear off, all of you! Go on! Go and find somebody else to bother first thing in the morning.

Villagers exit.

Alice

But, Dame Trott. The milkmaids are ready to start milking and Windy’s not awake yet.

Dame

What? She hasn’t slept late again? I expect she was frightened of all that noise the giant was making last night. Ooh, you just wait; I’ll sort him out if he’s ever stupid enough to come down here. I’ll give him a punch on his nose. I’ll give him an uppercut. I’ll give him a downer-cut; I’ll give him a sideways-a-cut. I’ll teach him to go upsetting my Windy. (becomes emotional) My poor little Windy who has never done any harm to nobody!

Alice

She did plenty of harm to that lodger you had last year.

Dame Trott

Shouldn’t have tried to milk her, should he?

Alice

I expect his hands were a bit cold.

Dame Trott

Yes well serve him right. He should have more respect for udders.

Alice

Were his hands a bit cold?

Dame Trott

I don’t know, dear; he ran away before I had the chance to find out. Now I can’t have my Windy waking up and there’s no breakfast ready for her. Where’s that lazy good-for-nothing son of mine? I expect you’ve come round to see him again have you?

Alice

(shyly) I might have.

Dame Trott

Well I don’t know why you bother, dear. He never takes any notice of you and you’re far too good for him. And I shall be giving him a piece of my mind when he turns up. You haven’t seen him, have you, boys and girls? (work the audience) Do you know what he looks like? (audience ‘no’) Well how do you know you haven’t seen him then? Ooh you lot are hopeless.

Alice

Here he comes now.

Jack enters (SR) and Bernie enters (SL) Jack and Bernie take up position either side of Dame Trott. Bernie is dishevelled and half asleep

Dame Trott

You see, Boys and Girls, I have two sons: Jack, he’s the youngest; he’s handsome and brave and clever and strong and good to his poor old mum… And then there’s Bernie… Who’s not! Can you guess which is which?

Jack

Hello, Mum.

Bernie

(yawning and scratching) Hello, mum.

Dame Trott

(To Jack) Morning, Son. You’re looking particularly handsome and brave and clever and strong this morning.

Bernie

Thanks, Mum.

Dame Trott

And you look like a half-asleep heap of scruffy old rags with half a brain.

Bernie

(taking a look at Jack) Bit unfair, that, Mum; he looks all right.

Dame Trott

I’m talking to you!

Alice

(coyly) Hello Bernie.

Bernie doesn’t hear.

Dame Trott

Oi, cloth ears! There’s a pretty girl come to see you.

Alice

Bernie?

Bernie

Oh, hello.

Dame Trott

Come on Jack. You can help me wash up while these two have a little chat.

Bernie

I’ll help you wash up.

Dame Trott

No won’t! You’ll stay here and talk to Alice. Come on Jack.

Dame Trott & Jack exit into dairy.

Alice

(shy and producing a valentine card) I’ve made you a Valentine card, Bernie.

Bernie

What for? It’s not Valentine’s Day!

Alice

I know but it’s taken me three days to make it and I spent my last couple of pennies on some glitter to put in the middle and I stayed up all last night to finish it and I’m so pleased with it that I can’t wait till Valentine’s Day… So here you are. Happy not Valentine’s Day.

Bernie

Wow! Thanks, Alice. That’s perfect!

Alice

Really?

Bernie

Yeah, fantastic! (folds the card and places the folded card under one leg of the bench) Mum’s been nagging me to fix that wobbly bench for ages.

Alice

(in tears) Oh, Bernie! How could you?

Bernie

(admiring his handiwork) Look at that. Perfect!

Alice

(brightening) Bernie, do you want to come for a walk later?

Bernie

What for?

Alice

Ooh, just for a walk… and a talk… and a look at the countryside.

Bernie

Don’t be daft. What’s the point of that?

Alice

(devastated) Oh! Ok. I’ll go on my own then,

Bernie

Okay.

Alice

Bye then…

Bernie

Bye.

Alice moves downstage as Bernie proudly inspects the bench