On The Way To Market

Simon enters (DSR) pulling Buttercup on with a rope.

Simon

(reminiscing) And remember that time we went collecting conkers, and you fell out of the tree and landed on my head? (Buttercup nods) It was after that when everyone started calling me ‘Simple Simon’. I still can’t figure why. (sighs) Happy days. (Buttercup hangs her head) Look Buttercup we don’t want to sell you, but we’re desperate for the money. We’re so poor we’ve got mice living under our floorboards who are richer than us. But don’t worry old girl, I’ll make sure I find you a good home. Music cue 5: Simon and Buttercup. After number ends…

Witch Hazel enters disguised as an old beggar.

Witch;

Good day young sir. My what a juicy…I mean…fine looking cow. Is she yours?

Simon

Yes, and she’s called ‘Buttercup’.

Witch

What a lovely name. Actually, I’m looking to buy a cow. They say thet make marvellous pets.

Simon

Oh they do. Buttercup here is like one of the family.

Witch

I suppose you won’t want to sell her then, eh?

Simon

I’m afraid I have to. You see, mother’s rent is in arrears…

Witch

…That’s a funny place to keep it.

Simon

That’s what I thought. Anyway, we need to raise some money and Buttercup here is the only asset we have.

Witch

I can see she means a lot to you, so I’ll make it easier for you by offering you something very special. (takes out a small bag)

Simon

A bag of gold!?

Witch

No – a bag of beans

Simon

I’m not swopping Buttercup for a bag of beans!

Witch

Ah, but these are no ordinary beans.

Simon

I don’t care if they’re Heinz beans.

Witch

These are ‘magic’ beans. Plant them and they will grow into a giant beanstalk. Climb the beanstalk it will lead you to a fortune in gold.

Simon

Then why don’t you plant them and get all the gold for yourself?

Witch

I’m much too old to go climbing giant beanstalks.

Simon

(to audience) Do you believe these beans are magic boys and girls? (audience shout ‘yes/no’) Well that was pretty inconclusive. (Buttercup whispers to him) What’s that Buttercup? You don’t believe they’re magic.

Witch

What does a cow know about magic?

Simon

(to Buttercup) It’s a fair question Buttercup. Have you ever made anything disappear? (Buttercup whispers) You made all the grass in our garden disappear. Let’s be right Buttercup, you ate all the grass. (to Witch) Thanks for the offer old woman, but I don’t think I’ll bother swopping.

Witch

Suit yourself. I’ll just look for some other lucky person with a cow, and give them the opportunity to make their fortune instead. (starts to leave slowly)

Simon

(thinking aloud) What if they really are magic beans, I’d be a mug to pass up the chance to make a fortune. And I’m no mug! (turns to Witch as she reaches the wings) Wait!

Witch

(turns) Yes?

Simon

I’ve decided to swop after all. (Buttercup shakes her head) I’m sorry Buttercup, but I can’t afford to miss this once in a lifetime opportunity.

Witch

A very wise decision young sir. (handing over the bag) Here are the magic beans.

Simon

(hands over Buttercup’s rope) And here is my cow. She comes with a full M.O.T.

Witch

M.O.T?

Simon

Milk On Tap.

Witch

Yeuggh! I hate milk!

Simon

You will look after her won’t you?

Witch

Oh yes. She’ll sleep in her own little bed and eat only the sweetest grass.

Simon

That sounds wonderful. And I’m sure mum will be thrilled when I tell her about the magic beans. (turns) Well Buttercup, this is goodbye. Look after yourself old girl. Don’t forget to ‘Twitter’ me. (exits )

The Witch throws back her hood and cackles with glee.

Witch

Ha-ha-ha! That was easier than I thought. (calls to wing) Scabies!

Scabies enters.

Scabies

You called, your loathsomeness.

Witch

Take this old cow and serve it up for the giant’s lunch.

Scabies

Yes your vileness?

Witch

I’m off to see what other nastiness I can get up too. (exits)

Scabies

(kicks Buttercup) Get moving you stupid cow! (Buttercup moos loudly as she disappears off SL)

FX:

Flash.

Fairy enters in spot (DSR)

Fairy

But I will make those beans truly magic! (waves her wand and exits SR)

Lights dim to blackout – cloth/tabs in – lights up.

Scene Five

Twittering Fair

An old-fashioned country fair, with tents and side-shows, etc. You can re-use the village backcloth for this scene. The Chorus are on stage. Music cue 6: Chorus. After number ends…Chorus busy themselves with the side-shows etc,

The King, Queen, Princess and Royal Chamberlain enter (DSL)

Chambers

Here we are your majesties. Twittering fair.

Queen

Oooh, I can’t wait to look around the stalls. (to King) Hurry up and officially open the fair.

King

Yes dear. (to Chamberlain) Chambers.

Chambers

(bangs his mace) Please be upstanding…(looks at them)…Oh, you already are. His majesty will now officially open the fair.

King

(addressing the Villagers) Greetings, loyal objects. It gives me great pleasure…

Villager

…We don’t want to know what gives you pleasure!

King

(aside to Queen) Remind me to have him clapped in irons later. As I was saying, it gives one great pleasure to declare this fair well and truly ‘open’.

Villagers cheer, then move away and continue with the business of the fair.

The Princess looks pensive as she looks around.

Queen

(to Princess) What’s the matter dear?

Princess

Oh, nothing mother. I was hoping to find someone here that’s all.

King

Oh – and who might that be?

Princess

Well they’re not here anyway, so it doesn’t matter really.

Jack, enters (USR) and pushes through the crowd.

Jack

‘Scuse me – pardon me!

Princess

(spots Jack and waves to him) Hi Jack!

Queen

(charging in and causing mayhem) Hijack!? Quick! Send for the S.A.S! Someone is hijacking the fair! Help! Help!

King

(parody of TV car insurance ad) Calm down dear. It’s only a panto.

Queen

Oh, thank goodness for that.

Jack and the Princess are gazing into each other’s eyes, oblivious to the Queen’s outburst.

Jack

Princess Crystal, we meet again.

King

Who is this young man, Crystal?

Jack

My name is Jack Trott and I intend to rid the kingdom of Snot

Queen

Well blow me.

King

Wonderful, my boy! We’ll leave you both alone to enjoy the fair. (to Queen) Come my dear. (aside to her as the move off) At last, someone daft enough to take on the giant.

The King, Queen and Chambers move off and chat to the assembled crowd.

Princess

I’m so glad you came here today, Jack.

Jack

I can’t believe my luck. Here I am a poor village lad, falling in love with a beautiful princess. I must be dreaming.

Princess

Then that makes too of us. For I too feel the same way about you.

Jack

(surprised) You do?

Princess

Yes, Jack.

Music cue 6: Jack, Princess. For this short romantic number, the Chorus can join in or stand and watch, backlit in the background. After number ends…the lighting and action return to normal.

Jack

I don’t want this moment to ever end.

Princess

Me neither.

Lost in a world of their own, they move (DSR) as the lights dim slightly.

Scabies enters in blue spot (SL)

Scabies

(to audience) Ha-ha-ha! I’ve got the main ingredient for the Giant’s cow pie. Now, what can I make him for afters? (looks around)

Bean and Dunnit enter (SL)

Scabies

(stopping them) Well? Have you collected any rent money yet?

Bean

No. But it won’t be long before Old Mother Hubbard coughs us.

Dunnit

Yeah, we’ve kidnapped her little doggie until she does.