Madam Melba’s Bakery

Shelves of cakes, rolls, sandwiches, etc. Near the counter is a safe. Scott, Cherry and Melba serve behind the counter. Dancers are in front of the counter. They dance, purchase cakes and exit.

Cherry

Phew! That was a bit busy.

Melba

Good job I’ve got some more buns in the oven.

Scott

(to audience) Hiya, kids.

Scott and Melba improvise with audience – Customer 1 enters.

Melba

Welcome to Madam Melba’s Confection and Nutrition Emporium.

Customer 1

You what?

Cherry

Cake shop.

Melba

(deflated) Can I help you?

Customer 1

I’d like a cake, please.

Melba

There’s a surprise.

Melba goes behind counter, re-emerges with a huge gateau.

Customer1

That’s too big. I only want a small cake.

Scott

Give her some short bread.

Melba serves customer 1, who exits. Customers 2 and 3 enter.

Customer 2

Have you got chocolate fingers?

Melba

No, it’s just the tan from my last holiday.

Customer 3

I’ve heard you bakers are very cruel, you know.

Melba

What makes you think that?

Customer 3

Well, you whip the cream and beat the eggs.

Melba chases customer 3, who exits. Customer 4 enters. Behind her comes Hansel. He hangs back, shyly.

Customer 4

Why did the apple turnover?

Cherry

I don’t know. Why did the apple turnover?

Customer 4

Because it saw the sausage roll.

Melba

Strikes me we’ve got far too much sweet corn in here.

Scott

(to Hansel) I suppose you’ve come in for a date slice? Go and talk to her.

Hansel

What am I going to say?

Scott

I don’t know. Ask her out.

They talk quietly.

Melba

(to audience) Uh-oh. It’s that idiot boy, Hansel again. Shall I sort him out? (audience ‘no’) Oh, come off it. Look at him. He’s a waste of space.

Cherry

No, he isn’t.

Melba

Yes, he is.

Cherry

No, he isn’t.

Melba

Oh, yes he is.

Cherry

Oh, no he isn’t.

Melba

It’s my shop. I say who’s a waste of space. And that boy is a waste of space. (to audience) He’s also the funniest looking lad I’ve seen in a long time.

Cherry

No, he isn’t.

Melba

Oh, for goodness sakes!

Scott and Hansel walk forward, talking.

Scott

Gretel and I are going out tonight. Why don’t you and Cherry come with us?

Hansel

That’s a good idea. I’ll ask her. (moves towards Cherry) Hello Cherry.

Cherry

Hello Hansel.

They pause, shy. Scott gestures at Hansel to go on. Melba is unimpressed.

Hansel

How are you?

Cherry

I’m fine. How are you?

Hansel

Fine.

Cherry

It’s nice to see you.

Hansel

It’s nice to see you.

Melba

I can’t take any more of this.

She puts herself firmly between them.

Cherry

Mother!

Melba

Did you want something, young man?

Hansel

I…I…I was…I mean…

Melba

Spit it out!

Scott

Not in here. There are rules about that kind of thing in a bakery.

Melba

Did you want a cake?

Hansel

No, I…

Cherry

…Mother, please!

Melba

A sandwich, then?

Hansel

A sandwich?

Melba

I thought so.

She goes behind the counter and brings out a huge sandwich. She gives it to Hansel.

Melba

There you go. A growing boy like you, you need a big sandwich. Thank you. Call again.

She steers him to the door and he exits, bemused. Melba turns to the audience.

Melba

I’m making a fortune out of that boy.

Cherry sighs and turns away, almost in tears. Scott comforts her.

Melba

Oh, for goodness, sake! What’s the matter with you?

Cherry

Nothing.

Melba

Cherry, you look like a wet day trip to Eastbourne. Stop crying. You’re going to make my fruit crunch’s all soggy.

Cherry

I’m not crying.

Melba

How can you stand there and tell such fibs to your Mother? Of course you’re crying. You’re eyes are all glassy, Cherry.

Cherry sobs, runs and exits. Scott looks sternly at melba, who feigns innocence. Mr west enters. Melba makes eyes at him and tries to look enticing. He ignores her and speaks to Scott.

Mr West

I’d like some bread, please.

Scott moves behind the counter. Melba sashays towards Mr West.

Melba

Don’t you have enough ‘bread’ in your safe at the bank?

He stares blankly at her.

Melba

Bread? Bank? Doh, forget it.

Scott

Will there be anything else, sir?

Melba

‘Dough’ nuts? (she comes on to him. he backs away) ‘Mint’ cake?

She comes towards him again. Again, he backs away. He is trapped.

Scott

Madam Melba? Have a gob stopper.

She turns to answer Scott. Mr west seizes his chance, escapes and exits, quickly.

Melba

Fiddlesticks! Can you smell burning? My cakes!

She rushes off. Cherry enters.

Cherry

Oh, Scott, it’s not fair. At this rate, Hansel and I will never get to go out together.

Scott

You’re going to the dance next week, aren’t you?

Cherry

I’ll believe it when I get there. Every time he starts to talk to me, Mother steps in and stops him.

Hansel enters.

Scott

She’s not here now. I’ll keep an eye out for her for you.

Hansel

Hello Cherry.

Cherry

Hello Hansel.

Scott

You did that bit already. Get to the important bit.

Hansel

Cherry -

Cherry

Yes, Hansel?

Hansel

I was wondering…

Cherry

Yes, Hansel?

Hansel

What I mean is…

Scott

We close at five o’clock.

Hansel

I get all tongue tied when I try to say it.

Scott

Then sing it. Dance it. Send it in semaphore. Just hurry up about it, before she comes back.

Hansel sings #Sherry# by Frankie Valli.

Cherry

I’d love to come with you tonight. I’ll go and get ready.

She exits. Hansel punches the air triumphantly, then exits.

Scott

Thanks Scott. You’re a pal. Oh, don’t mention it, Hansel. (he checks his watch.) Time to shut up shop.

He moves to the door. A customer enters.

Customer

Got any cakes left?

Scott

Yeah. Plenty.

Customer

Serves you right for making so many.

Customer runs and exits. Scott gives chase and exits – Panini and Cappuccino enter, sneakily – they look around and sneak towards the safe.

Panini

There’s nobody here. Let’s get this done.

Cappuccino

I don’t like it. My Mama said it was wrong -

Panini

Your Mama isn’t here, is she? And I won’t tell her if you don’t.

Cappuccino

If she ever finds out, I’ll be in so much trouble.

Panini

Not as much trouble as you’ll be in if Fran Gipani finds out you didn’t do as she said. Now, come on.

They cross to the safe and start trying to open it. Off stage we hear Scott shouting at the cheeky customer.

Scott

And don’t come back!

Panini and Cappuccino hide. Scott enters.

Scott

Honestly! The cheek of some people! Hiya, kids. What’s happening?

The audience try to warn him about the robbers. He can’t understand them. Lines below can be changed according to what the audience shout.

Scott

Erasers? No, we don’t sell erasers. You want the stationery shop for that...(other lines of this type) Safe? Of course I’m safe?... Our safe? (he goes to the safe and checks it. He does not see the robbers) No, it’s fine. Look, I’ve got to go and help Madam Melba get the cakes done for tomorrow. I’ll be back later. Bye for now.

Scott exits. Panini and Cappuccino come out of hiding.

Panini

That was close. We nearly got caught then.

Cappuccino

Let’s go home before we do.

Panini

When we’ve got the safe open.

He starts on the safe again. Cappuccino watches, scared. Panini opens the safe.

Panini

Right. Give me the bag.

Cappuccino

What bag?

Panini

The money bag.

Cappuccino

I haven’t got any money.

Panini

The bag to put the money in.

Cappuccino

I haven’t got it.

Panini

You must have. I gave it to you before we came out.

Cappuccino

Yes.

Panini

I told you to keep it safe.

Cappuccino

Yes.

Panini

So where is it?

Cappuccino

It’s under my pillow.

Panini

What’s it doing under your pillow?

Cappuccino

That’s the safest place I’ve got.

Panini

You were supposed to bring it with you.

Cappuccino

That wouldn’t have been very safe. What if someone had robbed me? They might have stolen it. They might have crept up behind me and hit me on the head and -

Panini

I’ll hit you on the head in a minute. What are we going to put the money in now?

Cappuccino goes behind the counter and comes back with a cake box. Panini gives him a sidelong look, then snatches the box.