Dame Dumpling’s Kitchen

Dame Dolly

Are you sure you know how to make porridge?

Dec

Yes, but it might jog our memory if we could look at a recipe book. You don’t happen to have one do you?

Dame Dolly

As a matter of fact I do. (picks up a cookbook) Here we are ‘Cooking For Dummies’ by Delia Smith Vol 12. (opens the book and flicks through the pages) Let's see now...porridge…porridge…ah, here we are. (reads) First you need to go into a field and sow your oats. Well I’ve already done that. Then wait five months for it to grow. I can’t wait that long! I’d better skip forward a few pages. (turns several pages) Here we are. Take one box of oats and a bucket of milk. (to Dec) You fetch the oats (to Ant) and you fetch the milk.

Ant & Dec

Okey-dokey!

Ant & Dec exit (SR)

Dame Dolly

Oh, I’m looking forward to this. It’s ages since I had any oats.

Dec enters with a box of oats.

Dec

(holds up the box) Here’s your oats!

Dame Dolly

Good. Now we just need some milk.

Ant enters.

Ant

I couldn't find any milk.

Dame Dolly

Did you look in the larder?

Ant

Yep.

Dame Dolly

What did you find?

Ant

(shows packet of lard) Lard.

Dame Dolly

What about the pantry?

Ant

(holds up a pair of outsize ladies bloomers) Pants.

Dame Dolly

(quickly grabs them) Ahem! Never mind we can get some milk from my cow, Buttercup.

Dec

Where is she?

Dame Dolly

She’s sunbathing on the patio. You’d better help me call her. After three…three!

Ant/Dec/Dame

Buttercup!

Dame Dolly

It’s no use, she’s as deaf as a doorpost.

Ant

Why don’t we ask that lot (indicates audience) to help us call her?

Dame Dolly

Good idea. (to audience) Would you boys and girls like to help us call Buttercup? (audience respond) Great. All together, after three…three! (leads audience) Buttercup!

Buttercup enters (SL) wearing a flowery hat, sunglasses and a large hearing-aid around her neck, which is plugged into her ears.

Dec

I’ve never seen a cow wearing an ipod before.

Dame Dolly

That’s her hearing-aid. (Buttercup dances) It keeps picking up…(local radio station – to Ant & Dec) Right, you two get milking.

Ant

Ok. (walks around Buttercup scratching his head)

Dec

(follows him) What are you looking for?

Ant

A handle. (grabs Buttercup’s tail) Ah, here it is! (places bucket under Buttercup and pumps her tail up and down)

Dec

I think it’s run out of milk.

Dame Dolly

I think you two have run out of brains. Here, let me show you how it’s done. (pushes Ant out of the way and kneels by Buttercup – gives a few hefty tugs at Buttercup's udders and a carton of milk falls into the bucket – she lifts it out) Thank you Buttercup, you can go now. (Buttercup doesn’t move) I said you can go now! (Buttercup still doesn’t move) I’ll just turn her hearing-aid up. (does this and then shouts) You can go now!

Buttercup straightens up in fright and drops another carton of milk.

Dame Dolly

Blimey! Next time I need an extra pinta, I’ll just turn up the volume. (Buttercup exits SL) Now let’s get cracking. (to Ant) You pour the oats into that pot over there (to Dec) and you put the milk in.

Ant pours oats into the pot and Dec throws in an unopened milk carton.

Ant

No, you idiot! The instructions said ‘two pints’! (throws another unopened carton into the pot)

Dame Dolly

Give it a good stir.

Ant &Dec

Right’o. (they stir the pot)

Dame Dolly

Now keep an eye on it while I check on the bear upstairs …I mean…‘er upstairs

Ant

‘er upstairs?

Dame Dolly

Yes, my granny is staying with me while her house is being fitted with a new bear…I mean burglar alarm. (exits)

Dec

Her granny must be the oldest person in the world.

Ant

Forget her granny. Let’s just steal the pot and scarper!

They strain to lift the pot, but without success.

Dec

It’s no use – it’s too heavy with all that porridge in it.

Ant

Then we’ll have to get rid of it.

Dec

How?

Ant

I’ve got an idea. (to audience) Would anyone like some of this lovely porridge? (audience respond ‘yes’ hopefully) Right, you serve the ones on the left and I’ll serve the ones on the right.

Ant & Dec take four plates which look as though they already have porridge on them (see properties) and pretend to spoon porridge from the pot onto them.

Dec

It doesn’t look very appetising.

Ant

Why don’t we put some squirty cream on top?

Dec

Good idea.

They both pick up cans of squirty cream (‘custard pie’) and top up the plates before heading into the audience holding two plates apiece. They pick out members of the audience ‘pie’ them and return to the stage.

Ant

Right, let’s fill up some more plates.

They squirt more ‘cream’ onto the plates of ‘porridge’ dropping a loaded plate in the process and generally making a mess.

Dame Dumpling enters – she looks angry but doesn’t let on to them.

Dame Dolly

What are you doing with that porridge?

Dec

Oh…er…we thought we’d let the audience taste it to see if it’s cool enough for granny to eat.

Dame Dolly

What a good idea.

Ant

(amazed) It is!?

Dame Dolly

Yes, but you must learn how to serve them like a proper waiter. Let me show you. (she proceeds to position their hands holding the plates like a waiter with their hands pointing backwards and just to the side of their faces – she stands in front of them) Perfect. Now are you ready?

Ant & Dec

Yes!

Dame Dolly

Right. On the count of three I want you to say, ‘here is your porridge sir’ (get audience to count) One…two…three!

Ant & Dec

Here is your porridge sir!

Dame Dolly

And here’s yours! (shoves the plates into their faces) That’s for messing up my kitchen!