Frank's Aim Is True - by Paul Richards

	Setting: A small fish and chip shop.
	Lights down.
	Lights up
	There is a counter diagonally across the stage. An old battered acoustic guitar in the corner, a small CD player, and a box of CD’s. There is also a diary, and a mobile phone.
Frank	Tuesday 13th. Imperial Bedroom.
	He goes to the box of CD’s and finds tha album, Imperial Bedroom, and stares lovingly at the cover.
Frank	The finest. You’re the finest.
	He kisses the case, and takes the CD out. After dusting it, he puts it in the CD player. Despite his efforts, his CD player doesn’t work. He tries several attempts to get it to work – but it keeps flicking/distorting. Frank becomes very frustrated. Desperate and angry, and the longer this continues the more abusive towards the machine he becomes.
Frank	(shouting at the CD player) Damn you!
	He takes the CD out and puts it back in its case. After stroking the case briefly, he puts the CD back with the others in the box. He stares lovingly again at the CD and shakes his head. Frank breathes for a moment, looking at his watch for a brief while, before he appears to get a brainwave. He turns away from the counter.
	(to himself) Well good evening Jonathan. Yes it’s a pleasure to be here this evening, thank you for inviting me. Sat in the Green Room with all these great people, Russell Crowe, Joe Pasquale, and Mylene Klass.
FRANK	(to himself) Well, good evening, Jonathan. Yes, it’s a pleasure to be here this evening, thank you for inviting me. Sat in the Green Room with all these great people, Russell Crowe, Joe Pasquale, and Mylene Klass. She’s fun! How did it start? Well I guess it all started way back in, oh when was it now? ‘77. When I think back about it I still get a tingle down my spine. Punk was rife, people were starting to stand up for themselves again. (brief pause) Yes, My Aim Is True. It’s always flattering when people say it’s one of the greatest albums of all time because I’m not even sure if it’s my personal best. (laughs falsely) You! But you know…All This Useless Beauty, that’s a classic. But nobody ever mentions that do they? And what about When I Was Cruel?
	Long pause.
FRANK	Well I guess you move with the times, don’t you? The eighties perhaps wasn’t the most inspiring time for some but I still believe my creative output was pretty strong. Considering. Working with Burt Bacharach though has to be the ultimate in privileges. So much depth…so much…I mean, have you heard God Give Me Strength? (waits for a second) Thank you. You know, Jonathan…it’s always a pleasure.
	Long pause.
FRANK	I sometimes find myself working in a takeway just out of Cambridgeshire, you know, just to keep myself grounded? I know I’m a million best selling artist but still, I think it’s good to keep my hold on reality. Biggest inspiration? My brother William, he taught me everything I know. You’ve always got to have an inspiration, somebody to look up to. William has been brilliant to me, he’s a musician as well you see. I don’t know how he feels about his little brother becoming one of the biggest artists in pop but…(he laughs) he’ll be joining me too one day, I know he will.
	Long pause.
FRANK	Oh, a song? Well I wasn’t planning on performing today but…(sighs, smiles) Okay.
	He picks up the guitar from the corner and is about to play when his mobile rings.
FRANK	(laughs falsely) Sorry Jonathan, thought I’d switched that off!
	He answers the phone.
FRANK	Hello? (becomes anxious) Alison, hi? How are you? I’m sorry about last night. But you do know, my aim is true? But I shouldn’t have said what I did, I can’t apologise enough. Look, I groped you because I fancy you, isn’t that enough? Please Alison, give me a chance? I’m not as strange as you think, I’m just nervous, and…curious. I’ll give you free sausage and chips? Two sausages? Oh come on, don’t be like this? Alison? (pause) Yes, okay, two sausages and double chips it is, with barbeque sauce. Okay, see you tonight. Bye, take care.
	He puts the phone down. Considers for a moment.
FRANK	Sorry about that, Jonathan, how embarrassing! Anyway, a song? Hmmm, let me think.
	He picks up the guitar again.
FRANK	Hmmm, okay, I’m gonna play an old song for you, if that’s okay? This is called Riot Act. Thank you, thank you.
	He strums the guitar vaguely, and badly.
	Stan walks in, with a fish attached to his hat. He is carrying a leaflet and looks excited.
	Frank throws the guitar down and stands awkwardly.
STAN	Morning.
FRANK	Morning.
	Brief pause as Frank is awkward, having nearly been ‘caught’, Stan isn’t sure why Frank is uncertain.
STAN	Everything okay?
FRANK	Brilliant.
STAN	How’s business?
FRANK	The same.
STAN	Never mind. But don’t worry, I have a master plan.
	Frank smiles and calms a little.
FRANK	Is it anything to do with the fish on your head?
STAN	Yep.
	Stan stands proudly. Frank analyses it further.
FRANK	Stan, why are you wearing a fish?
STAN	It’s all part of the service, Frank.
	Frank sighs and shrugs his shoulders.
	Stan smiles widely.
STAN	(hands him a mobile phone) Look, take a picture of me.
FRANK	What? Why?
STAN	Because you can with phones these days, it’s brilliant, isn’t it?
FRANK	It’s called progression.
STAN	It’s called bloody clever. Look, take a picture, take a picture!
FRANK	No, why should I take a picture of you wearing a fish?
STAN	Because it’s fun. And we’re a fun takeaway, when word gets around this is a fun place to eat, we’ll be packed, might even have to bring in another member of staff. Like that Diana girl, bet she can fry a belter of a fish.
FRANK	Or William? This could be some kind of artistic takeaway, a place where songwriters eat?
STAN	I see your thinking, Frank…but where would I fit in with that? No, I think the fun, wearing items of fish routine would be best for us.
	Frank sighs and takes a random picture, carelessly, and hands it back to him.
STAN	Thank you.
FRANK	Look, I still don’t understand, Stan. Why are you so happy?
STAN	What is that line you always say, ‘yesterdays news is tomorrows fish and chip paper?’ Well, it’s the same as hats, yesterdays fish is…(he considers, struggles) tomorrows…
	Pause.
FRANK	Look this isn’t going to work, is it?
STAN	Stay positive, Frank.
FRANK	How can I stay positive in these surroundings, I’m an artist, I need space. I know this is my grip on reality, but you can’t expect me to be at my creative best here, surely?
STAN	Have a look at this.
	Stan hands him a leaflet.
	Frank reads.
FRANK	(hands it back) Not again.
STAN	This year we’ll win it.
FRANK	Do you know what that competition does to my soul, Stan?
STAN	But you know what it could do for our business? Imagine that, on the board hey… ‘Stan’s Plaice – Fish and Chip Shop of the year’
FRANK	Huntingdonshire Fish and Chip Shop of the year, Stan. Hardly worth boasting about, is it?
STAN	Are you trying to tell me you’ve got bigger fish to fr…
FRANK	…don’t degrade me, Stan. You’re holding me back. It’s like you have my creativity in a small, see-through carrier bag. I feel like a fairground goldfish, looking out, at the grand merry-go round of the real world. But I’m not allowed out there, am I? I’m trapped here. With the other fish.
	Pause. Stan stares at Frank. He doesn’t understand.
STAN	Frank. Are you saying you want to enter the national competition?
	Frank turns away.
FRANK	Oh for…
STAN	…I know it will be a big step but I think we can do it.
FRANK	What shall we do, what shall we do, with all this useless beauty?
STAN	Sorry?
FRANK	Nothing. Look, wasn’t it degrading enough losing out to Joe last year? I’m not sure we can take another dignity kicking like that.
STAN	But we got customers in, didn’t we?
FRANK	Food critics, Stan, none of them paid.
STAN	And the press! They loved us.
FRANK	Because they got free food. We never get any money, Stan. Have you looked at the books recently?
STAN	(thinks briefly) We don’t do books, Frank. We do fish, and more to the point we do amazing fish. When word gets around that we’re the cleanest, most exciting takeaway…
FRANK	…Stan, listen to me.
	Stan considers further.
STAN	All exposure is good exposure.
FRANK	What?
STAN	The press, they loved us.
	Frank turns away and picks up a newspaper article.
FRANK	(reading it out loud) In second place, behind Joe’s Plaice, comes Stan’s Plaice. My first impression was, naturally, to draw comparisons with their rivals, purely because they have blatantly stolen their name. But, within the space of eating my first sausage, I realised that’s where the similarities stopped. With prices such as these, it would be easy to pigeonhole this takeaway as suitable for the ‘cheap and cheerful’. But sadly, somebody should inform owner Stanley Weller that having the cleanest floor this side of Singapore is no substitute for cold food and service that is so in-your-face it becomes uncomfortable…
STAN	…why have you kept that?
FRANK	I haven’t got to the best bit yet. (he looks back at the paper) Whilst the Elvis Costello serenade was largely entertaining, if a little surreal, the desperate…
STAN	…thank you, Frank. I don’t understand you sometimes.
FRANK	(putting it down) Just a reality check.
	Stan considers. He smiles again.
STAN	Okay, this is what we’ll do. We’ll give the floor a good clean, lick of paint on the walls, special offer on battered sausages?
	Frank sighs. Stan hugs him.
STAN	We can do this, Frank, we can do this. You can re-ignite my fire.

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