Dracula The Panto - by David Williams

Characters
Dame Plasma Van Helsing
Buffy Van Helsing
Rema Globin
Dr Paul Bearer
Major Artery (aka) Dracula
Fred Corpuscle
Inspector Ventricle
PC Platelet
Morris Van Helsing
The Invisible Man (aka) The Marquis-de-Sad
The Andrex Sisters

Chorus/Minor roles
Buster Bloodvessel
Street Vendor
Newspaper Boy
Bats
Londoners, etc…

	Scene Six
	Dr Bearer’s Surgery
	On the wall is an eye chart, which looks like a normal one but all the letters are ‘I’. Dr Bearer is sitting at a desk, on which there is a ‘Care Bear’ with a big heart shape on its tummy. He puts his stethoscope into his ears and listens to the Bear’s ‘heart’.
Dr Bearer	I’m afraid you have a bad case of ‘couldn’t care less’ Mr Care Bear. And quite frankly, neither could I. (tosses the bear offstage and calls) Next!
	Three girls enter dressed as in American army uniforms, and looking like ‘The Andrews Sisters’.
Andrex Sisters	(in unison) Good evening Dr Bearer!
Dr Bearer	The Andrex Sisters. What can I do for you?
Andrex Sisters	(sing in the style of the Andrews Sisters) #Oh doctor we’re in trouble#
Dr Bearer	(in the style of the Peter Sellars character ‘Dr. Ahmed El Kabir’ from the film ‘The Millionairess) Well goodness gracious me!
Andrex Sisters	#We pulled a bugle boy, and had some revelry. And now he’s disappeared leaving my sisters and me#
Dr Bearer	Why don’t you tell me all about it. (lifts a clipboard and takes notes)
	Music cue 6: Andrex Sisters. After song ends…
Andrex Sisters	(in unison) What do you suggest doctor?
Dr Bearer	(hands them the notes from the clipboard) I suggest you take this to EMI and get it all put down on record.
Andrex Sisters	Yes, doctor. (all exit)
Dr Bearer	(shouts) Next!
	Rema enters looking flustered and faint.
Dr Bearer	Miss Globin! Whatever’s the matter?
Rema	I’m feeling rather strange, doctor.
Dr Bearer	What are your symptoms?
Rema	Well doctor, since I last saw you, I’ve been having (suddenly places a hand on his shoulder and sings) chills – they’re multiplying – and I’m losing control (to the audience) it’s the power, he’s supplying – it’s electrifying!
Dr Bearer	I see. Anything else?
Rema	Yes. (sings) I heat up, I can’t cool down. My head is spinning around and round.
Dr Bearer	I think I’ve got some records on those symptoms! Look at that chart over there on the wall. Now cover your right eye and read off what you can see.
Rema	(reads) I…I…I…I…I
Dr Bearer	Mmmm. Just as I thought.
Rema	What is it doctor?
Dr Bearer	It’s my eye chart. Tell me, do you have a stigma?
Rema	No, I never went to university.
Dr Bearer	Come over here and let me check your heart.
Rema	(eagerly) Oooh, yes doctor.
Dr Bearer	(examining her) Goodness, your heart has just skipped a beat. I think a full physical examination is called for.
Rema	(excitedly) I’m ready, Doctor.
Dr Bearer	(examining her) There’s nothing wrong with your beautiful eyes, your ears your legs or your silky thighs. (feels her forehead) I can’t think why you’re exuding such heat. Perhaps you ought to take a seat?
Rema	I don’t think I could swallow that – even with a glass of water.
Dr Bearer	Your symptoms really have me stuck. I’d better consult my medical book. (pulls out a book and flicks a page) Aha! Here it is! You’ve got a nasty case of aortic confabulations, with a touch of acidic-reflux and fiery contractions of the ventricle chamber.
Rema	What does it mean, doctor?
Dr Bearer	You’ve got heartburn.
Rema	(disappointed) Oooh! Can I have a second opinion?
Dr Bearer	Yes, green doesn’t suit you…(shouts)…next!
	Rema exits sadly.
	Dame Plasma enters.
Dr Bearer	Dame Van Helsing! I haven’t seen you in ages.
Dame Plasma	I know doctor I’ve been ill.
Dr Bearer	What seems to be the trouble?
Dame Plasma	I’ve banged my head on a cupboard door, and I think I may have cut it.
Dr Bearer	I’m very concerned.
Dame Plasma	Are you?
Dr Bearer	Yes, concerned you might bleed all over my floor. Go and ooze outside.
Dr Bearer	(wavers) Ooooh! I feel as though I’m pegging out.
Dr Bearer	Laundry?
Dame Plasma	No you fool, I’m a gonna. (dramatically) It feels as though I’ve only got fifty seconds to live!
Dr Bearer	Hang on a minute while I find my stethoscope.
Dame Plasma	I’m fading fast, Doctor!
Dr Bearer	Yes I can see you’re not all there.
Dame Plasma	No you numbskull! Fading as in going…popping my clogs, not becoming invisible!
Dr Bearer	(looking round) Who said that?
Dame Plasma	(gasps) That’s it, I’m going!
Dr Bearer	Well shut the door on your way out.
Dame Plasma	Do something doctor!
Dr Bearer	(using the Stethoscope on her chest) Right, big breaths.
Dame Plasma	Yes, and I’ve had them since I was sixteen.
Dr Bearer	I’m going to have to operate. But first I must ask you a few personal questions.
Dame Plasma	(quivers with excitement) Oooh doctor!
	Dr Bearer asks questions and fills out a form attached to his clip-board using his right hand.
Dr Bearer	What was your father’s occupation?
Dame Plasma	I wish I knew. Mother always said he was a magician.
Dr Bearer	Really? How interesting.
Dame Plasma	Yes, as soon as I was born he disappeared.
Dr Bearer	Was that his favourite trick?
Dame Plasma	Oh no, he much preferred sawing people in half.
Dr Bearer	Any brothers or sisters?
Dame Plasma	Yes, I’ve got one half brother and two half sisters.
Dr Bearer	And when were you born?
Dame Plasma	I don’t remember, I was only a baby at the time
Dr Bearer	Ooooh! I’ve got cramp in my hand. (switches hands and writes with his other hand)
Dame Plasma	I notice you can write with either hand, Doctor.
Dr Bearer	Yes, I’m ambidextrous.
Dame Plasma	Oh, I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Dr Bearer	(hands her the clipboard) Right, if you would just sign here.
Dame Plasma	(suspiciously) What for?
Dr Bearer	Just a formality in case something goes drastically wrong.
Dame Plasma	(exclaims) Goes wrong!?
Dr Bearer	Don’t worry Mrs Helsing. I know what I’m doing. (searches in his desk drawer) You didn’t see a big book called ‘Operating For Beginners’ in the waiting-room by any chance did you?
Dame Plasma	No, Doctor.
Dr Bearer	Never mind, I think I can remember most of it. Right, now if you wouldn’t mind walking this way.
	Dr Bearer starts to exit, walking in a ridiculous manner.
Dame Plasma	Look I know this is supposed to be a pantomime, but that’s the oldest gag in the book.
Dr Bearer	If you think that’s old, just you wait ‘til later.

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