Scene One

The Village Of Ruritania

Music cue 3: Villagers After song ends…the Villagers can drift on and off – Buttons comes running on, carrying a parcel.

Buttons

Hello everyone! (quiet response) I said, hello everyone! (hopefully gets more response) That’s better. Now my name’s Buttons, and I’m the Butler at nearby, Hardup Hall. And now that you know my name, maybe you can all tell me yours. I’ll say ‘Hello everyone, my name’s Buttons, what’s yours?’ and you all shout out your names. Ready? Hello everyone my name’s Buttons, what’s yours!? (audience shout) Who said mines a pint? Anyway now that I know all your names, I’ll let you in on a little secret. I’ve fallen in love with someone. (picks on member of audience) No love it isn’t you – get back in your seat. The person I’m in love with is called Cinderella. In fact it’s her birthday today, so I’ve bought her a present and it’s in this box. I’m just looking for somewhere to hide it to stop her two ugly stepsisters peeking at it first. If I leave it here, would you to look after for me? (audience responds ‘yes’) Great. I’ll leave it here. (puts the box down near the front and to the side) Now if anyone goes near it I want you to shout out ‘Buttons up!’ Will you do that? (audience respond) Brilliant! We’ll just have a practice to make sure you’ve got it right, ok? I’ll go off and come back on pretending to be someone going to nick the prezzie. (goes off and comes on again and picks up the present – audience shout – repeat if necessary) Fantastic! (looks at his wristwatch) Gosh look at the time! The Baroness and her daughters will be back soon from yet another shopping trip, and they’ve asked me to help them carry it all home. I’ll just go and check what time their bus gets in. See you later folks! (exits SL)

Cinderella enters (SR)

Cinderella

Good morning everybody!

Villagers

Good morning Cinderella!

Cinderella

Has anyone seen my father this morning?

Villager 1

I saw him coming out of the bank earlier.

Cinderella

Did he look happy?

Villager 2

No, he was sobbing uncontrollably.

Cinderella

Oh dear, that’s happening more and more these days.

There is a commotion offstage and Baron Hardup enters (SR) looking through papers and crying. He stops as soon as he sees Cinderella.

Cinderella

Good morning father, and how are you today?

Baron

Terrible! I’ve just been looking at these bank statements! If your stepsisters carry on spending at this rate, I’ll end up bankrupt!

Cinderella

Don’t despair father. I’m sure I can make some more savings.

Baron

I couldn’t ask you to do anymore, Cinders. You’ve made so many sacrifices already. You’ve not even had a new dress in a long time. It breaks my heart to see you dressed in these…rags!

Cinderella

I don’t mind mending and making do, father.

Baron

(sighs) I never had any money worries until your stepmother moved Dyspepsia and Sciatica in. They seem to think I have a bottomless purse! (spots Button’s present) What’s this? Another expensive present bought by your stepsisters no doubt. I’d better take it back and get a refund. (goes to pick it up)

Buttons runs on (SL)

Audience

Buttons up!

Buttons

Keep your hands off that! Oh, it’s you Baron.

Baron

This is yours?

Buttons

Yes, it’s a present. And that lot (indicates audience) are looking after it for me until I give it to the person I bought it for.

Cinderella

Is it for someone special, Buttons?

Buttons

Yes, Cinders – someone very special.

Cinderella

How exciting! Who is it then?

Buttons

Sorry Cinders, I can’t tell you who it is…yet.

Baron

Well I’m glad someone can afford presents. Actually, I think I’d better go back and see my bank manager.

Buttons

Are you going to ask him to extend your overdraft?

Baron

Huh! If I extend it anymore it’ll snap! No, I’m going to do the only thing that’s left to do.

Cinderella

You don’t mean…

Baron

Yes…I’m going to grovel. (exits)

A glum looking Cinder’s watches him leave.

Buttons

Where is your lovely smile this morning, Cinders? Something’s wrong isn’t it?

Cinderella

Oh Buttons, its Father. He’s worried that he will be made bankrupt. And if that happens we might lose our home.

Buttons

Oh dear, I didn’t realise things were that bad. Would it help if I took a pay cut?

Cinderella

Well it’s a kind thought Buttons. But I know very well that you haven’t been paid any wages in months.

Buttons

That’s true.

More Villagers enter. Music cue 4: Buttons, Cinders, and Villagers. After song ends… The Uglies enter (SL) with as much commotion as possible.

Sciatica

Oooh, what a pathetic shopping experience that was, Dyspepsia.

Dyspepsia

I know Sciatica. Some days are just a total waste of make-up.

Buttons

Don’t tell me you two have been out spending again!

Sciatica

Of course we have!

Dyspepsia

There’s nothing else to do in this dump.

Cinderella

Ruritania isn’t a dump! It’s a lovely place.

Buttons

(aside to Cinders) Well it was until they arrived.

Cinderella

What have you been buying this time?

Dyspepsia

Well since Daddy dear has decided to turn into Mr Scrooge – we thought we’d save some money by going to the sales.

Cinderella

Father isn’t a Scrooge – but he will be glad to see you cutting back on your spending.

Buttons

So what did you buy then?

Sciatica

We bought a new spring wardrobe.

Dyspepsia

And a summer wardrobe.

Sciatica

And an autumn wardrobe.

Dyspepsia

And a winter wardrobe.

Sciatica

And now that we’ve bought all these wardrobes, we’ll need some new clothes to go into them.

Dyspepsia

So we’re off to Harvey Nicks tomorrow.

Cinderella

Poor father – he’ll be ruined!

Sciatica

Well it’s not our fault he hasn’t got two ha’pennies to rub together. We warned mother against marrying him in the first place. Have you thought this through we said – didn’t we Dyspepsia?

Dyspepsia

That’s right. Don’t fooled by all his titles we said.

Sciatica

But she was a flighty, foolish, flibbertigibbet of a girl who had fallen head over heels for his wallet…I mean, wicked wiles.

Dyspepsia

Yes, she’s just like us – naive and innocent. Easily mizzled by the way of nasty men.

Sciatica

Mizzled? Mizzled?

Dyspepsia

Yes – mizzled!

Sciatica

Hang on a minute. (exits and re-enters holding a script and point out the mistake to Sciatica) Not mizzled you fool! Mislead! (prompt comes on – snatches the script back)

Prompt

Try and learn your learn your lines next time! (exits)

Dyspepsia

And now that he’s had his wicked way with Mumsy, he wants to make us pay for it by stopping our only pleasure in life – shopping.

Sciatica

And eating.

Dyspepsia

That reminds me, I’m famished! Buttons – run to Greggs and fetch me a pork sandwich.

Buttons

I don’t think Cannibalism is allowed anymore.

Dyspepsia

I don’t know what you’re on about, but it sounded insulting.

Sciatica

Maybe we should tell mother to stop his Christmas bonus.

Buttons

I’m getting a Christmas bonus!?

Dyspepsia

Yes.

Buttons

Is it money?

Sciatica

No.

Buttons

An expensive present?

Dyspepsia

No.

Buttons

A big Turkey?

Dyspepsia

No – but you’re getting warm.

Buttons

Then what is it?

Sciatica

It’s a budgie and a bicycle pump!

Uglies laugh. The Baron and Baroness enter. The Baron is holding a sheet of paper and pointing to it.

Baron

But I tell you we can’t afford any of this!

Baroness

I didn’t realise I was marrying a penny-pincher!

Dyspepsia

What’s old Mr skinflint complaining about now, Mummy?

Baron

I’ll tell you what I’m complaining about. (taps angrily on the paper) Ballet lessons! Singing lessons! Acting classes! Beauty treatments! I can’t afford them!

Sciatica

Then don’t have them!

Baron

If things carry on at this rate I’ll be bankrupted!

Dyspepsia

Then why don’t you ask Cinderella to cut down a bit more then?

Cinderella

On what?

Sciatica

Make-up for a start.

Dyspepsia

Yes – it’s only wasted on you!

Buttons

You can talk! You two wear enough to war-paint to cover the Forth Bridge!

Uglies

Cheek!

Baroness

Oh, take no notice of him. He’s just below stairs!

Sciatica

He’ll be below the ground in a minute. And what sort of a name is ‘Buttons?’ anyway? Why can’t he have a proper Butler’s name, like Jeeves or Carruthers or something?

Dyspepsia

Well it could have been worse. He might have been called, Zipper!

Baroness & Uglies laugh hysterically.

Cinderella

Well I like his name. Anyway it doesn’t matter what someone is called. It’s what’s in their heart that matters.

Sciatica

More like what’s in their wallet. The second question I always ask a man is ‘Do you have a Platinum credit card?’

Buttons

And what’s the first question you ask them?

Dyspepsia

How big are your assets?