Hardup Hall

Uglies enter.

Potty

(sings) #Don’t blame it on the sunshine, don’t blame it on the moonlight, don’t blame on the good times, blame it on the boogie#

Dotty

Sister dear, you’re out of tune again.

Potty

I am so not!

Dotty

You are so! It’s like listening to nails scratching down a chalkboard.

Potty

Am I bovvered? Am I bovvered?

Dotty

Everyone knows I have the best voice round here.

Potty

Then how come when we were at school together, the music teacher banned you from the school choir?

Dotty

Because he didn’t want the others to look bad when put next to me.

Potty

(notices boys in the audience) Dotty!

Dotty

What?

Potty

Boys! (points to audience)

Dotty

Oooh, let’s introduce each other.

Potty

All right. (to audience) This is my sister Dotty. (indicates Dotty)

Dotty

Yoo-hoo! Pleased to meet you. Now let me tell you all about myself. Well as you can see, I’m gorgeous with a fantastic body and…well that’s pretty much all you need to know. Now which one of you boys would like to take me clubbing?

Potty

Oi! Introduce me, you selfish tart!

Dotty

They won’t fancy you!

Potty

And why not?

Dotty

Well don’t take this the wrong way sister dear. But you’re fat!

Potty

Look who’s talking!

Dotty

I’ve been on numerous diets I’ll have you know.

Potty

Well they obviously didn’t work. First there was your GI diet.

Dotty

That was all right until the Yanks closed down their base.

Potty

Then there was your weight-watchers diet. How come that failed?

Dotty

It wasn’t easy watching the scales while I ate.

Potty

Then there was your Slim Fast diet.

Dotty

Now you can’t fault me there. I did exactly as it said on the tin. I had one for breakfast, one for lunch and one for dinner.

Potty

So what went wrong?

Dotty

The brunch, tea and supper I had in between.

Potty

(posing) I don’t need to diet. I’m naturally slim.

Dotty

Yes. For an elephant.

Potty

Shut up and introduce me.

Dotty

All right. Ladies and gentlemen boys and girls. This is my Potty sister…I mean my sister, Potty.

Potty

(to audience) How do you do?

Dotty

And we’re…

Uglies

(posing)…The beautiful sisters!

Audience

Oh no you’re not!

Uglies

Oh yes we are! Etc…

Dotty

And we’re going to marry a Prince one day.

Potty

(audience shout ‘oh no you’re not’) Oh yes we are! Etc…

Dotty

But there are lots of prettier…I mean bitter people, who stand in our way.

Potty

So we have to find a way to nobble them. Especially our sickly sweet stepsister, Cinderella.

Dotty

It’s a good job we’ve got mumsy to help us.

Potty

I wonder if she’s got us tickets to the royal ball yet.

Dotty

Let’s ask her.

Uglies

(call to wing) Oh, mumsy!

Baroness enters (SL)

Baroness

You called girls?

Potty

Of course we’re called girls!

Dotty

Have you got our tickets for the ball yet?

Baroness

No. All the invitations are to be delivered personally by the Prince himself.

Uglies

(tremble with excitement) Ooooh!

Baroness

All single girls in the land are to be invited to the ball, where he’ll choose his bride.

Potty

He’s bound to pick me!

Dotty

And me!

Baroness

He can’t marry both of you, girls.

Dotty

No. That would be purgatory.

Uglies laugh wickedly – Cinders enters (SR)

Cinderella

(cheerily) Hello stepmother. Hello stepsisters.

Scene Six

The Palace Ballroom

Music cue 8: Chorus/Ball guests. After song ends…Prince Charming and Dandini enter (SR)

Prince

The party seems to be going with a swing, Dandini.

Dandini

Yes your highness. Although I don’t think the bouncy-castle was such a good idea. As soon as the Duke of Argyll’s party started bouncing up and down, three of the royal maids fainted.

Prince

Perhaps we ought to put up a sign saying ‘No Kilts’.

Buttons enters and goes downstage.

Buttons

(to audience) I feel really bad about leaving Cinders behind before I could explain. I just hope she doesn’t hold it against me.

Baroness and Uglies enter (SL)

Dandini

Look what the cat’s just dragged in.

Baroness

(as she passes Buttons) Have you spiked the drinks yet?

Buttons

Not yet mistress.

Baroness

Then do it now!

Buttons

(reluctantly) Yes mistress. (goes over to a tray of drinks)

The Baroness Uglies turn and make a beeline for the Prince.

Prince

Oh no, they’re coming this way.

Baroness

Your highness, you remember my beautiful daughters?

Prince

They’re hard to forget.

Baroness

They are unforgettable, aren’t they?

Potty

(grabs the Prince) How’s about a dance, Princey?

Dotty

(pushes her away) Me first, I’m the oldest!

Potty

You’re older than the jokes in this panto.

Prince

I’d love to, but how can one choose between two such…beauties?

Uglies simper.

Potty

We don’t mind taking turns.

Buttons

(aside to audience) The only thing they’ll be turning is the Prince’s stomach.

The Bailiffs enter (SR)

Prince

Ah, here come the perfect partners for your daughters.

Baroness

But…

The Prince and Dandini push the Bailiffs and Uglies together

Dandini

Enjoy.

Cheap

‘Ere, what are you playing at?

Dotty

Come on, Potty. We’ll practice on these two and wow the Prince later.

Uglies grab the Bailiffs.

Bailiff’s

(wimper) Help!

Potty

(to Bailiffs) We’ll lead! Music cue 9:

Uglies lead the Bailiffs off dancing in a ridiculous manner and treading all over their feet.

Dotty

(to Cheap) My doctor is a practicing Buddist, you know

Cheap

Really?

Dotty

Yes, last week he prescribed me 'transcendental medication'.

Couples move round so that Potty & Nasty are at the front.

Potty

I’ve just bought a new Volkswagon Polo.

Nasty

Was it expensive?

Potty

Yes, it cost me a mint.

Couples move round so that Cheap and Dotty are front.

Dotty

Do you think I’ll lose my looks as I get older?

Cheap

With a bit of luck, you might.

Couples move round so that Potty and Nasty are front.

Potty

My uncle has a glass eye.

Nasty

Did he tell you that?

Potty

No, it just came out in conversation.

Cheap & Dotty move alongside Potty & Nasty.

Potty

So what do you really think of me?

Nasty

Words cannot describe what I think when I look at you.

Dotty

(leans in) But ugly comes pretty close.

Music suddenly stops.

Potty

Why you! (goes to scrag her, but stops when the Prince announces)

Prince

Time for some refreshments, Dandini.

Dandini

Yes your highness. (goes towards the tray of drinks)

Baroness

(aside to Buttons) Quick Buttons! Serve the spiked punch! And make sure you don’t give any to the Prince.

Buttons

Yes mistress. (pushes Dandini out of the way) Excuse me! (grabs the tray of drinks) Anyone for punch?

Prince

Yes please. (goes to get some)

Buttons quickly moves away to the Chorus.

Prince

(follows Buttons) Could I have…?

Buttons quickly moves away towards another Chorus group.

Prince

(finally catches up with Buttons) Could I have a glass of punch please?

Buttons

I’m afraid it’s all gone your highness.

Dandini

(to Buttons) Then go and fetch some more.

Buttons

Right’o. (goes to leave)