Scene Three

Castle Liberty

Music cue 5: Palace Cooks. After song ends…Uglies enter (SL) draped in jewellery and Buttons follows on with boxes/bags of shopping.

Donna

I’m pooped! Shopping is such hard work.

Bella

I know Donna, but someone’s got to do it.

Donna

(to Cooks) Back to work you lot! Just because you’re working your notice, it doesn’t mean you can skive off!

Cooks exit.

Bella

How do you like the rocks?

Uglies flash their jewellery at the audience.

Uglies

Bling! Bling!

Buttons sags under the weight of the shopping.

Buttons

This shopping weighs a ton! Where shall I put it?

Donna

(dismissive) Oh put it where you like.

Buttons drops everything apart from one bag on his arm. Several shoes spill out.

Buttons

Why have you bought so many shoes?

Bella

Well you know what they say. If the shoe fits…

Donna

…Buy a pair in every colour!

Uglies laugh hysterically.

Buttons

(takes bag off his arm) What’s in this bag?

Bella

That contains our recipe for wooing the prince.

Buttons

Let’s have a look then. (takes out a bottle of toilet cleaner) What’s this?

Donna

It’s a new and exclusive perfume.

Buttons

(looks at label) Toilet duck?

Donna

Yes and it’s guaranteed to drive men ‘quackers’. (laughs)

Buttons

(to audience) They’d have to be. (takes out a bar of ‘Vanish’ soap) What about this?

Bella

That’s deodorant.

Buttons

It says Vanish!

Bella

Yes – you rub it on and all resistance ‘disappears’! (laughs)

Buttons

You never had much to start with. (takes out an aerosol can) What’s this?

Donna

That’s for Cinderella.

Buttons

A present for Cinders? (to audience) Maybe they’re not so bad after all. (looks at can) Hang on, this is a pest control spray.

Bella

Yes, and Cinderella’s the biggest pest we know!

Uglies laugh.

Donna

(twirls around) What do you think of my new dress, Bella?

Bella

It fits you like a glove.

Donna

Do you really think so?

Bella

Yes – it sticks out in five places.

Donna

Cheek!

Bella

Whereas I have an hourglass figure.

Donna

(glances at Bella’s rear) Pity all the sand’s fallen to the bottom. As for me, I have the skin of a newborn baby.

Bella

(to audience) A baby rhino!

Donna

You’re just jealous because everyone says I have Scandinavian looks.

Bella

(dryly) They say you look like a Norse.

Donna

Buttons – which one of us is the loveliest?

Uglies pose seductively.

Buttons

(to audience) I thought this was Cinderella, not Hobson’s choice. (to Uglies) How could I possibly choose between two equally gorgeous ladies like yourselves? I’m afraid there’s only one way to settle this.

Bella

Yes, but who’ll dispose of the body? (indicates Donna)

Buttons

No, nothing as drastic as that! I have been secretly working on a new beauty-measuring machine.

Donna

You can’t measure beauty!

Bella

If they could, they’d have to use their smallest tape measure for you.

Buttons

I’ll just go and fetch it in.

Buttons exits (SR) and returns with the ‘Beauty Machine’.

Donna

How does it work?

Buttons

You insert your arm in here (opening 2) And it gives a score. Your leg in here (opening 4) And so on.

Bella

(pointing to opening 1) What goes in here?

Buttons

Your face.

Donna

(pointing to opening 3) What about here?

Buttons

That’s where you put your bum.

Bella

(tartly) With her it won’t make much difference either way.

Donna

I bet I score higher than you!

Bella

Bet you don’t!

Donna

Bet I do!

Bella

What’s the highest score, Buttons?

Buttons

Well I’ve only tried it out on Cinders so far, and she scored a hundred.

Donna

I should get that for my beautiful face alone.

Bella

Less deductions for the rest of you, that should make it minus a hundred and fifty.

Donna

(holds up a fist) You’ll be minus your teeth in a minute.

Buttons

I’ll just start it up. (presses a large button)

FX:

Whirring sound.

Donna

(unsure) Is it safe?

Buttons

Yes, I’m sure the machine can take it.

Donna

For us I mean!

Buttons

Oh yes, it’s been built to very high specifications.

Bella

(looks at donna) Unlike some people I could mention.

Donna

We’ll see about that. Ready Buttons?

Buttons

Yes (to Donna) just put your arm in here. (opening 2)

Donna inserts her arm.

FX:

Squelching sound.

Donna

Ughh! It feels like cold custard!

FX:

Bell ding – Machine displays a zero.

Buttons

Your arm scores…nought!

Bella falls about laughing.

Donna

There must be something wrong with it.

Bella

Yes, it’s attached to you.

Donna removes her arm, which is now covered in ‘gunge’.

Donna

Ughh! It’s horrible!

Bella

I could have told you that before you put it in.

Donna

What is it?

Buttons

Its ‘Genetically modified-Ubiquitous-Non-edible-Gelatinous-Extract’.

Donna silently mouths the letters.

Donna

(suddenly exclaims) Gunge!?

Buttons

It’s the latest in biodegradable computer software.

Bella

Then it’s bound to give me top marks for my silky smooth legs.

Buttons

(pointing at Bella’s legs) What are all those red marks?

Donna

That’s where she strikes matches.

Bella

(holds a fist up) I’ll strike you in a minute.

Buttons

Right, put your leg in here. (opening 4)

Bella inserts her leg.

FX:

Ripping sound.

Bella

Ooowerrh!…Uggghh!…Arrghh! (removes her leg and sees her tights are ripped) My best tights! (kicks the machine) Stupid machine!

Buttons

Careful – you might damage it!

Bella

(threatens buttons) It’s not the only thing I’ll damage!

Machine displays zero and Donna falls about laughing.

Bella

Now you’re really going to get it, Buttons!

Buttons

Hang on! Hang on! Why don’t you both go for the ultimate test?

Bella

What does it involve?

Buttons

You both put your faces in here (openings 1) at the same time and the machine will calculate which one is the prettiest.

Uglies

Right!

Uglies insert their faces into openings 1.

FX:

Crunching, grinding, squelching sounds.

Buttons

Owherr! I don’t like the sound of that.

FX:

Lights flash – Siren sounds – Smoke and flash effects.

Uglies scream and remove their gunge-covered faces.

Uglies

(scream) Buttons!

Buttons

Ooops! I think it needs one or two minor adjustments. See ya later kids.

Buttons exits with machine (SR) pursued by the Uglies.

Uglies

Come back here!

FX:

Doorbell.

Dim & Wit enter through door.

Wit

Hello! Anyone at home?

Dim

Are you sure this is the right place?

Wit

‘Course I am. (points to newspaper) See? ‘Handymen wanted apply – Castle Liberty’.

Baron enters (SL)

Baron

And who might you be?

Dim

Well we might be Batman and Robin.

Baron

(wide-eyed) Really?

Dim

Except for one thing.

Baron

And what’s that?

Dim

We’re not.

Baron

Then who are you?

Wit

(proudly) We’re handymen.

Baron

Well I have been known to change the odd light bulb myself, but I don’t go around bragging about it.

Wit

(to Dim) I think you’ve got a rival here. (shows advert to Baron) Look – ‘Handymen wanted’.

Baron

My wife must have put this in, but she’s not here at the moment so I will have to interview you instead.

Wit

(aside to Dim) Leave this to me.

Baron

Now then, are you both qualified handymen?

Wit

We’re men aren’t we?

Baron

Yes.

Wit

And we have hands don’t we?

Baron

Yes.

Wit

There you are then – you can’t get much more qualified than that.

Dim

I love the way you make things so simple.

Wit

Yes, but I’m not taking the blame for you.

Dim

What’s the pay like?

Baron

My wife will pay you what you’re worth.

Dim

(glumly) I was afraid of that.

Wit

I’m sure you could impress her if you put your mind to it.

Dim

Do you really think so?

Wit

Of course! Remember the time you used your head to stop that runaway ghost-train?

Dim

I got it stuck in the track!

Wit

It made a big impression on the fairground owner.

Dim

(rubs his head) It made a big impression on my head!

Wit

At least you stopped anyone from getting hurt.

Dim

But the train was empty!

Wit

Yes but you didn’t know that before you bravely wedged your head in the track.

Dim

(proudly) I suppose it was rather brave of me to trip over like that.

Wit

It was the best use of you’re brains I’ve ever seen.

Dim

(wryly) That was a great comfort during the six months I spent in traction.

Wit

It was a small price to pay.

Dim

And I never got paid.

Baron

You should have taken out an accident policy.

Dim

I did, but they wouldn’t pay out.

Baron

Why not?

Dim

It didn’t cover stopping runaway trains with my head.

Baron

(tuts) Small print eh?

Wit

Never mind, this handyman’s job is going to be right up our street.

Dim

That’ll save us some money then.

Wit

How do you mean?

Dim

Well if it’s up our street, we shan’t need any bus fare.