One by one, shapes move in the dark and Bernard The Butler, Saucy The Chef, Dressmakers Trinny and Susannah (Dames played by Bill and Ben actors) appear in view. All are ‘cat-people’ with felines features and tails, but the clothing of their professions. They move until they surround the sleeping form of Beatrice.

Saucy

(very strong French accent) Sacre’ Bleu! It's Paris Hilton!

Bernard

That’s a pig you clod! She’s the one who asked for help!

Susannah

I simply love what she’s done with her modest clothing budget. Italian Fashion meets Alan Titchmarsh. Don’t you agree Trinny?

Trinny

I certainly do Susannah. I’d kill for those thighs. She could play scrum-half for the All-Blacks.

Susannah

And her hairstyle. So modern! It says 'look but don’t touch. And if you do, I’ll touch you back with a pitchfork’

Trinny

Poor little mite. Looks frozen, worn out and half-starved.

Saucy

Finally, a reason to use my culinary skills!

Bernard

Calm down Saucy! Your idea of ‘culinary skills’ is pouring milk on your Coco Pops.

Saucy

Do you know how long its been since I’ve cooked for a human Bernard? She is clearly a woman of taste, of elegant sophistication.

Beatrice starts snoring loudly.

Saucy

Coco Pops it is.

Trinny

Where's the Prince?

Susannah

Pacing in his study, trying to decide what to do.

Saucy

'Trying to decide what to do'? Crusty Baguettes! He has less than twelve hours before his thirtieth birthday, when, against all the odds, a human girl walks into this very castle. He should be here on his knees, begging her to marry him and free us all! I for one am sick of shedding hairs in thekitchen. It's most unsanitary.

Bernard

Oh come on Saucy! It's not ten minutes since I saw you lapping up water from the toilet bowl. Drop the pretence.We’re going to be animals the rest of our lives. There's no way the Prince can make a woman agree to marry him intwelve hours. After twenty years, she's too little, toolate and we better just accept it.

The others look downcast.

Trinny

Shame though. She really is quite pretty under all that mud.

Saucy

Oui! She is…magnifique!

Susannah

Well you might have given up Snooty Pants but I’m going down fighting. If we’re going to become animals the rest of our lives, then at least let's become so knowing we did everything we could.

Trinny

I'm with you Susannah. Saucy?

Saucy

Vive' la mammoiselle! Bernard?

All look at Bernard.

Bernard

Oh…very well.

Susannah

Well, let’s get this ball rolling.

Bernard

(to audience) What do you suggest? Should we let her sleep or wake her up?

Audience hopefully shouts 'Wake her up'

Saucy

Alright, alright! (to Susannah) But be gentle! Be subtle. Be…

Susannah

Hello?

Beatrice jumps awake with a cry. She sees the four characters and scream, clutching Babe to her chest, moving so her back is to the fire, trapped.

Bernard

Nicely handled Susannah.

Saucy

Very subtle.

Susannah

We don’t have time for all that. Hello dear! Don’t be afraid. We’re…erm. We’re….

Trinny

We’re late for a casting with Andrew Lloyd-Webber.

Susannah

'Memory….all alone in the moonlight'...

Bernard

Oh for pity's sake. Do not be alarmed child. We are the servants who maintain this castle for our master, Prince Leo. He was the one who invited you in.

Beatrice

But you’re…you’re…animals.

Saucy

(seductive) Well…I can be if you wish!

Bernard

Cool it Saucy! We were human once child but….well, it’s a long story and perhaps we are not the ones to tell you. But know that you are safe. Although the master when he arrives, may seem a little….unnerving, he is….well, not quite the fathead he used to be.Time, and a shortage of flea collars, has changed us all.

Beatrice

How long have you been like this?

Bernard

Twenty years. A long time to live as a cat. It hasn’t been easy. The curtains are scratched to slivers and you wouldn’t believe how many balls of wool we get through a week.

Beatrice

I….I must be going.

Trinny

So soon? You’ve only just arrived.

Susannah

It's getting dark out there dear, and the darker it gets, the more wolves gather outside. You’re best off waiting till morning.

Beatrice

I…I suppose so.

Bernard

Excellent! Now, you must be famished. Saucy?

Saucy

Of course. (seductive) If you think I’m something special now, cherie, wait till you see me pour milk onto Coco Pops.

Bernard

Perhaps we could even try something a little more sophisticated Saucy.

Saucy

Crunchy Nut Cornflakes? Formidable' If you think I am ready monsieur, then...

Bernard

How about steak tartare with steamed brocolli and sautéed potatoes? Followed by a rich chocolate mousse desert.

Saucy

(disappointed) Huh. Whatever flips your pancake.

Beatrice

You are all so…so strange!

FX:

There is a sudden lion's roar.

Everyone is suddenly nervous.

FX:

Cold light begins to filter out from behind the closed door behind them.

Bernard

Now that’s the Master coming. Don’t be alarmed. He’s...he’s really trying with those social graces.

They all back away warily. Suddenly the wooden door behind them is pushed off its hinges and there, backlit into sillouhette, The Beast.

FX:

Lion roars fill the air.

Then the Beast half-runs/half-leaps on the table before her. He has the body and clothes of a prince, but the head and paws of a great lion, with a huge mane and fangs. Beatrice screams

Beast

(angrily sneering)‘Strange' are we? So, you’ve come to look at the Beast have you? The Beast that was once a boy! Well take a good look and have a hearty laugh. It may be the last thing you ever do...!

Bernard

Master, she meant no offence!

Beast

Perhaps she would like to tie a bell around my neck and pull my tail? Would that keep the little madam amused?

Trinny

Master, please!

Saucy

How about some nice soothing Coco Pops?

Susannah

You’re frightening her!

Beast

Am I? Good. Then maybe she’ll stop sneering at those who are different to her.

He stands up, using his height to intimidate her.

Beast

Take a good look at my fangs young lady. They may be the last sight you ever….