A Castle Corridor

The Beast creeps on (SL) and tip-toes his way across stage.

Uglies enter (SR)

Charlotte

There you are, you naughty boy!

Beast

Oh, no!

Marzipan

Oh yes. It’s time for your makeover.

Beast

(puzzled) Doesn’t my appearance frighten you?

Marzipan

I’ll say. I haven’t seen dress sense like that since I bumped into Jeremy Clarkson on a stag night out.

Charlotte

Now, let’s take a look at you. Hair needs to be shorter. I’m thinking David Beckham. (thinks for a few seconds then gives a little shudder) Oooh I always feel better after a quick daydream about Becks.

Marzipan

Well maybe we can now concentrate on the job in hand?

Charlotte

Ok…(daydreams again)…I’m thinking silk boxers, tight trousers and satin shirt open to the waist.

Beast

(growls) I’m not wearing those!

Marzipan

Sorry, I was thinking of Becks as well. Now, as for you…(walks around him then looks him up and down)…Ok, corduroy trousers, baggy jumper, doggy coat and a muzzle.

Beast

Are you taking the pi…

Charlotte

…Pish and nonsense, Charlotte! I see him in skinny jeans, white cotton shirt, Italian shoes…(Beast looks pleased until)…and a restraining leash.

Beast

Enough! I could dress myself better than you two!

Charlotte

Oooh, hark at Kwok Dan. (or current TV style guru)

Marzipan

Fair enough, but at least wear this. (passes him a dog flea-collar)

Beast

What is it – a choker?

Marzipan

No, a flea-collar.

Beast

(furious) Raaarrr! (throws the collar down)

Charlotte

Ooh he is getting worked up, isn’t he Mar?

Marzipan

I don’t think he’s getting enough.

Charlotte

He obviously needs more exercise.

Marzipan

That as well.

Charlotte

I’ll soon take care of that.

Marzipan

I beg your pardon?

Charlotte

(takes out a squeaky plastic bone or animal toy and waves it in the air) Here boy…(throws it into wing)…fetch!

Beast

Are you mad? I’m not going to play ‘fetch?’

Marzipan

Oh go on, you know you want to.

Beast

I do not!

Uglies

Oh yes you do!

Beast

Oh no I don’t!

Uglies

Oh yes you do!

Beast

(looks to wing, then to audience, then back to wing – then to audience) Oh it’s no use, I can’t resist it anymore. (runs off) Woof! Woof! (fetches the toy and drops it at Marzipan’s feet)

Charlotte

(pats Beast on the head) Good boy. I mean…’beastie’.

Beast

(to audience) I know it’s ridiculous, but I can’t help my animal nature.

Marzipan

(picks toy up) Let me do it this time.

Beast

I’m not doing it again. I only brought it back to humour you.

Charlotte

(throws the toy into wing) Fetch!

Beast

(tries to resist as before – then) Oh curse my animal nature! (runs off) Woof! Woof! (fetches the toy and drops it at Charlotte’s feet)

Charlotte

No more ‘fetch’ I’m bored now. (Beast looks up at her with doleful eyes) Oh, how can I resist those hangdog eyes. All right, just once more. (picks up the toy and throws it into wing)

Beast

(runs after it) Woof! Woof!

Marzipan

Oh look, the postman’s coming up the path and the toy’s landed right at his feet.

FX:

Beastly roars.

Charlotte

No, beastie!

Screams offstage.

Marzipan

Put that postman down at once!

Beast runs on carrying a postman’s leg in his mouth.

Charlotte

(slaps his nose) Naughty boy! Drop that right now!

Beast

I…I…don’t know what came over me. Oh, this is so embarrassing.

Marzipan

I’ll say – you’ve got blood all down your shirt front.

Charlotte

No Scooby-snacks for a week for you my lad.

Beast

But…but…but that’s not fair!

Marzipan

Yes it is. Now take that leg back this instance and apologise to the nice postman.

Charlotte

And hurry up before he hops it.

Beast picks up the leg and trudges off.

Marzipan

I know someone who’s going to be in the doghouse tonight.

Charlotte

And how. Let’s go and get his doggie-bath ready.

Marzipan

Bags I shampoo his…(whispers to Charlotte)

Charlotte

(laughs) Oh Mar, you are wicked!

Uglies laugh uproariously and exit.

Lights dim to blackout – cloth/tabs out – lights up.

Scene Ten

The Castle Kitchen

Typical castle kitchen. A table is centre stage, laid with items for the short baking scene. A microwave is on small table next to the wing. It has no back to it to enable the custard pies to be replaced by a stagehand, with stage ‘custard pie’ filled plates.

Gaston enters with Dolly.

Gaston

Here is your kitchen. My master is entertaining tonight, so I want you to prepare something special for him and his guest.

Dolly

All right. But if you’re expecting a five-course meal I’m going to need some help.

Gaston

Very well, I’ll get the two new staff members to help you. (exits)

Dolly

Ooooh, I wonder what his master is like. I’ll bet he’s a handsome Baron or something.

Beast runs on.

Beast

Rarrrh! I must get away from those two.

Dolly

Ahhh! Someone’s left a cage open at the local zoo! (grabs a broom and starts beating him) Get out of here you refugee from the Yeti compound!

Beast

Stop it you old fool! I’m the master of this castle!

Dolly

Well I’ve heard of old dears leaving all their possessions to their pets, but a castle!

Uglies

(off) Oh Beastie!

Beast

Oh no, I’m off! (exits)

Uglies enter.

Uglies

Here boy, it’s bathee time!

Dolly

Charlotte, Marzipan! What are you doing here?

Charlotte

We could ask you the same question.

Dolly

I’m the new cook here.

Marzipan

And we’re the new personal assistants for the owner of this place.

Dolly

And what does this owner look like?

Charlotte

He’s the spitting image of Marzipan’s last boyfriend.

Dolly

So old frightnight features, really is the owner of this castle!

Marzipan

You’ve seen him?

Dolly

Yes, he ran through here a minute ago.

Gaston enters.

Gaston

(to Uglies) Ah, there you are! I want you to help Mrs Donut with tonight’s meal.

Charlotte

But we’re not cooks!

Gaston

It’s either that or I terminate your contracts.

Marzipan

On what grounds?

Gaston

On the grounds that you couldn’t dress a salad, never mind a prince. (exits)

Charlotte

What’s he talking about? We had a pet Rotweiller called ‘prince’ and we dressed him loads of time.

Dolly

Well you’re helping me now, so let’s get down and dirty.

Marzipan

What do you want me to do?

Dolly

You can make the chicken surprise.

Marzipan

What’s the surprise?

Dolly

We’re using rabbit.

Charlotte

And what shall I do?

Dolly

Pea soup.

Marzipan

That should be interesting.

Dolly

But first we need to make something for afters.

Charlotte

Oooh, can we make our favourite?

Dolly

And what’s that?

Uglies

Custard pies!

Dolly

(wryly to audience) I had a funny feeling it might be. (to Uglies) Right then. Charlotte, you pour in the flour – Marzipan can pour in the milk and I’ll add the eggs. Now I must warn you, this could get very messy.

Charlotte

Flour! (pours flour carefully into the bowl)

Dolly

Milk!

Marzipan

Milk! (pours milk carefully into the bowl)

Dolly

Eggs!

Charlotte

That’s you!

Dolly

Oh yes, so it is. (breaks eggs carefully into the bowl) Now stir it all up and pour it into the plates.

Charlotte stirs the mixture and Marzipan pours it into two deepish polystyrene or cardboard plates.

Dolly

Now put them in the microwave and set the timer for 20 seconds

Uglies do so.

Dolly

‘Ang on. Something isn’t quite right here.

FX:

Microwave dings.

Charlotte

Oh, it’s done!

Uglies go to oven and remove the plates, which have been substituted with plates of ‘custard pie’. They come up on either side of Dolly.

Marzipan

What’s the matter, Dolly?

Dolly

It’s all too neat and tidy.

Charlotte

What do you mean?

Dolly

Well this is a panto, and all those people down there are expecting a messy slapstick scene.

Marzipan

Oh that’s easily rectified.

Dolly

How?

Uglies

Like this! (they ‘pie’ Dolly)

Dolly

(wiping her face) Why you…just wait ‘til I get my hands on you! (chases Uglies around stage and all exit)