Bad Day For Cinders - by Simon Davis
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Bad Day For Cinders - by Simon Davis |
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Characters
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Scene One |
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In The Kitchen |
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The story begins with Cinders in a typical panto kitchen singing and dancing along to a CD player and dancing with a broom as a host of cleaners dance around cleaning and polishing the kitchen and joining in with the chorus. Music cue 1: Cinders and Cleaners. After song ends… |
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Cinders |
(switches off the CD player and addresses the cleaners) Right, that’ll do. See you same time next week. |
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Cleaners exit. |
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Cinders |
(to audience) What? You think I’m going to run around all day cleaning? Not likely! Especially not now. Oh, I’m so happy! Today’s the day...(cue singing from wings "the teddy bears have their picnic" Cinders shouts off stage) Shut up! (to audience) What was I saying? Oh yes. The day that the Prince will come, and I will go and live with him in his castle, after a suitably over-the-top wedding of course. I wish he’d hurry up. He’s been to every house in the village, it’s taken him six months. I wouldn’t mind. but we’ve only got five houses. |
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Lulu Pixiebelle enters. |
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Lulu |
Will you stop caterwauling! What have you got to be so happy about? And have you finished the dishes yet? |
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Cinders |
No, and after today you’ll need to buy a dishwasher, ‘cos I’ll be out of here. |
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FX: |
Knock at door. |
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Step-Mum appears followed by Prince. |
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Step-Mum |
Ah, there she is my darling. (walks up to and pushes past Cinders, Cinders skulks off as Step-Mum puts her arm round Lulu) My little girl. My little Lulu Pixiebelle |
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Prince |
(looking round puzzled) Where? |
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Step-Mum |
Here! (shoves her forward so she lands on the Prince) |
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Prince |
(throwing her back to Step-Mum) Oh well, let’s get this over with. (to audience) You’ve no idea what it’s like having your nose so close to all these feet! It’s put me right off cheese on toast! (tries slipper on foot, doesn’t fit) Is that the lot? I thought you had two daughters? |
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Step-Mum |
Well I have, but my eldest, Eugenia won the lottery and went to live in the West Indies |
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Prince |
Jamaica? |
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Step-Mum |
No she wanted to go. |
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Prince |
But I thought I saw another girl here just now? |
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Cinders rushes forward but just as she makes a grab for the slipper Step-Mum shouts. |
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Step-Mum |
Hold it! I’m not having this! (reaches into her bag for what looks like a large gun) |
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Prince steps back and tries to hide behind Cinders who is trying to hide behind Prince at the same time. |
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Step-Mum |
I’ve been saving this for an emergency |
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Now we can see it is a lamp. |
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Cinders |
Where did you get that from? |
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Step-Mum |
Compensation for a dress ruined at the cleaners. |
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Rubs lamp and the Genie of the Lamp appears. |
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Genie |
Yes O mighty…(stops and looks puzzled)…this doesn’t look right. I don’t remember you in the story |
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Step-Mum |
Never mind that just get on and make him, (points at Prince) fall in love with her. (points to Lulu) |
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Genie |
I can’t do that. Even I can’t make people fall in love! |
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Step-Mum |
In that case, turn him into something horrible or get rid of him. I don’t care which, do both if you like. If my Lulu can’t have him no one will! |
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Cinders |
You can’t do that! |
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Step-Mum |
Oh yes I can. |
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Cinders |
Oh no you can’t! |
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Step-Mum |
Oh yes I can! |
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Cinders |
(encouraging audience to join in) Oh no you can’t! (repeat as wished) |
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Step-Mum |
With this genie I can do what I like. |
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Lulu |
Could you make me pretty? |
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Genie |
I’m good, but I’m not that good. Oh well, I suppose I’d better do it. It’s in the job description, granting wishes to whoever has the lamp. |
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Waves hands and Prince disappears. As soon as he has, Aladdin appears. |
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Aladdin |
Oi! That’s my lamp! (runs over to Step-Mum, snatches lamp and runs off) |
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Genie |
Wait for me! (runs after Aladdin) |
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Cinders |
You can’t do that! It’s not supposed to end like this! (crouches on floor and cries) |
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Step-Mum |
Doesn’t bother me. Come along Lulu. |
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Lulu |
I think I’ll stay here for a while. (goes to cupboard in corner and gets out a large hand mirror) Music cue 2: I Feel Pretty Lulu & dancers. After number ends… |
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Mirror |
Excuse Me! |
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Lulu |
Who said that? |
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Mirror |
I did |
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Lulu |
Who did? |
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Mirror |
In your hand, dozy. |
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Lulu |
You’re a mirror! |
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Mirror |
Ten out of ten for observation. |
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Lulu |
(to audience) I told Mum not to go to Snow White’s car boot sale. (to Mirror) what do you want? |
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Mirror |
It’s not me that wants something, it’s you if you really believe you’re pretty. |
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Lulu |
Are you saying I’m not? |
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Mirror |
Oh why do I always get them? Look, just repeat after me… |
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Lulu |
…After me. |
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Mirror |
Do you mind. Just say " Mirror, mirror in my hand, am I the fairest in the land?" |
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Lulu |
Mirror, mirror in my hand am I the fairest in the land? |
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Cinders gives a huge blow of her nose at this point - cue fog horn sound or similar. |
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Mirror |
Even with eyes of red and snotty nose, Cinders is lovelier than a summer rose. |
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Lulu screams, throws mirror off stage there is a crash of braking glass. Step-Mum runs on, |
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Step-Mum |
What’s the matter dear? |
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Lulu |
It’s not fair, I’ll never get a fella while little miss perfect is around. |
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Step-Mum |
(to Cinders) You go and clean up that broken glass! |
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Cinders slopes off with a face like thunder. |
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Step-Mum |
And you and I will have to think of a way to get rid of her for good! |
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Lulu |
Isn’t that going to be difficult? |
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Step-Mum |
Not if we make it look like an accident. Let me think. |
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Paces about followed very closely by Lulu. When Step-Mum turns they bump into each other. |
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Step-Mum |
I know. It’s the middle of winter. We’ll send her out for something impossible to find and tell her not to return without it. With any luck she’ll freeze out there. |
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Lulu |
Like what? |
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Step-Mum |
Erm. Tartan paint, no how about a left-handed screwdriver, or a jar of Polo Mint holes. I’ve got it – flowers, Daffodils to be precise. She’ll never find them, not with a foot of snow on the floor. (calls off) Cinders, will you come here dear? |
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Cinders returns, shaking her head and wiggling her finger in her ear. |
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Cinders |
Did you call me "dear"? |
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Step-Mum |
Yes. I feel that I’ve been very bad towards you and I’d like to give you some flowers. |
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Cinders |
That’s nice. (holds hand out) |
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Step-Mum |
The only problem is, you’ll have to go and get them. And I want Daffodils, fresh ones, not from the all night garage. And don’t come back without them! |
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Lulu |
And while you’re at it, I’d like some strawberries and apples as well. |
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Cinders |
But it’s the middle of winter! Where am I supposed to find stuff like that growing round here? |
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Step-Mum |
That’s your problem. Now get going! (grabs Cinders by the shoulders and frog marches her off stage. She returns almost immediately) That should do it. I didn’t even give her time to put her wellies on! (evil laugh) |