Scene Three

The Schoolroom

Music cue 4: Children. After song ends…Nursie enters (SR)

Nursie

Settle down, children! (Children sit) Now before we start, I’ll just take the register. Raise your hand if you’re not here…Good – all present.

Nursie

Now today we’re going to learn all about politics.

Children

Oh no we’re not!

Nursie

Oh yes you are!

Children

Oh no we’re not!

Nursie

Are too!

Children

Buckle my shoe!

Nursie

Yah boo sucks to you!…And that concludes Prime Minister’s questions. And now we’ll continue with botany (holds up a chrysanthemum) Who can tell me what this is?

Child 1

It’s a rose.

Nursie

No, it’s a chrysanthemum.

Child 1

It’s a rose!

Nursie

It’s a chrysanthemum!

Child 1

Spell chrysanthemum.

Nursie

C-r-y-t-h-a…C-r-s-t-h…C-r-y-s-a-n…You’re right, it’s a rose. And now, Geography. Who knows where Felixstowe is?

Child 2

On the end of Felix’s foot!

Nursie

We’ll forget geography. Moving swiftly on to English. Who can give me a sentence with fascinate in it? (Child holds up their hand) Yes?

Child 3

My coat has ten buttons, but I can only fasten eight.

Nursie

(to audience) I can see it’s going to one of those days.

Riff & Raff enter (SL) carrying a basket of apples.

Nursie

You’re late!

Raff

We missed the school bus.

Nursie

(puzzled) But we don’t have a school bus.

Riff

That explains why we missed it then.

Nursie

I must say, you’re very tall for your height. What school were you at before?

Raff

High school.

Nursie

And why did you leave?

Raff

I was expelled for calling the maths teacher rude names.

Nursie

Well that sums you up. (to Riff) And what about you?

Riff

I was expelled for flicking paper at the history teacher.

Nursie

Well let’s not dwell on the past. (spots the basket of apples) What’s all this then?

Raff

We’ve brought you an apple, Miss.

Nursie

More like the whole flaming orchard! I hope you’re not expecting to curry favour?

Riff

No, we’ve brought sandwiches.

Nursie

(to Riff) What’s your name?

Riff

Er…Jim….Jim Nasium!

Nursie

Well I hope you’ve brought your exercise book. (to Raff) And what’s your name?

Raff

Seymour…er…Seymour Butt.

Nursie

Well pull up your shorts and sit down.

Riff & Raff sit.

Nursie

Now before we go any further, I have to tell you that school dinners are going up.

Child 1

They’re hard to keep down!

Children laugh

Nursie

Who said that?

Children

Seymour, miss!

Raff

I never did!

Nursie

(to Raff) Come out here!

Raff goes to front.

Nursie

Bend over. (Raff bends over and Nursie canes him on the bum) Now go and sit down.

Raff

(to class) You rotten fibbers! (sits)

Children play up noisily.

Nursie

Settle down now …Order! Order!

Child 2

I’ll have egg’n’chips!

Nursie

Who said that?

Children

Jim, Miss!

Riff

No I didn’t!

Nursie

Come out here.

Riff goes to front

Nursie

Bend over. (canes him) I will have discipline in my class. Now go and sit down.

Riff

(threatens class) I’ll get you lot later! (sits)

Nursie

Now let’s do sums. If I was to multiply seven hundred and fifty two, by three hundred and twenty five, What would I get?

Child 3

The wrong answer.

Nursie

Who said that?

Children

Seymour, miss!

Raff

(aghast) Me!?

Nursie

(to Raff) So you admit it? Come out here!

Riff hands Raff a book – Raff stuffs it down his pants and strides confidently to the front.

Nursie

Now hold your hand out, you naughty boy.

Nursie canes him on the hand.

Raff

(rubs his bum and cries) Ahhhh!

Nursie

Oh stop crying like a baby!

Raff

I can’t help it – I was born that way (goes and sits down)

Nursie

Now as you all know, Miss Shortcrust the cookery teacher has had to leave the school for personal reasons.

Child 1

Don’t tell me she’s got another bun in the oven!

Nursie

No, she wanted more dough. So I will be taking today’s cookery lesson. (aside to audience) We’re doing two scenes in one here – I want to hurry up and finish the show before the pubs shut. (to class) Now I’ll need two volunteers to help me.

Children rush off stage, leaving Riff & Raff.

Riff

Why did all the others run off?

Nursie

They’ve seen it all before. Now have either of you had any experience at baking?

Raff

My dad used to run a bakery shop, Nursie.

Nursie

Really!?

Raff

Yes. But then he started making that bread that you finish baking at home, and went bust.

Nursie

How come?

Raff

It was a half-baked idea.

Nursie

(to Riff) And what about you – do you know anything about food?

Riff

Well I used to wear a ‘pork pie’ hat – but it got on me nerves.

Nursie

Why was that?

Riff

The gravy kept running down my face.

Nursie

(to audience) I’m going to have my work cut out with these two. (to Riff & Raff) Now go and fetch the table in.

Riff & Raff exit and re-enter with a table complete with a large bowl – flour eggs – milk – a block of margarine – a large wooden spoon – two cans of squirty ‘custard pie’ – sheet of paper.

Nursie

Now today I’m going to show you how to make custard pies.

Riff

Oh yummy – I love custard pies!

Nursie

Right, now first you put in the flour.

Riff puts the unopened bag of flour in the bowl.

Nursie

No, no, no! You have to take it out first!

Riff takes the bag and goes to leave.

Nursie

Where are you going?

Riff

I’m taking it out like you said.

Nursie

Not outside! Out of the bag!

Riff opens the bag and shakes flour into the bowl.

Raff

Is that self-raising flour?

Riff

No, I had to pick it up myself.

Nursie

Now add the milk.

Raff

(picks up milk bottle) Semi-skimmed or whole?

Nursie

Whole.

Raff puts the milk bottle into the bowl.

Nursie

Not that much! Half a bottle will do.

Raff cuts bottle in half and throws half into the bowl.

Nursie

Now add some pepper.

Riff scrunches up the sheet of paper and throws it into the bowl.

Nursie

I said pepper, not paper!

Riff

Sorry.

Nursie

(to Raff) Now you rub in the fat.

Raff picks up the block of margarine and rubs it on himself.

Nursie

No – rub it in with the flour!

Raff picks up a handful of flour and rubs it on himself.

Nursie

No you great twit! In the bowl! Now look at you! You’re all covered in fat and flour! I wouldn’t stand to close to the radiators if I were you, otherwise you might turn into a big pudding. Not that anyone will notice the difference.

Riff

What’s next?

Nursie

Break the eggs into the bowl.

Riff breaks the eggs into the bowl.

Nursie

Now beat it.

Riff goes to leave.

Nursie

Come back here!

Riff

But you said beat it!

Nursie

(picks up spoon) I’ll beat you in a minute! (passes spoon to Raff) Now give it all a good stir.

Raff stirs the mixture.

Raff

Ugggh – it looks a right mess!

Nursie

You’re not kidding. It’s a good job I made some earlier. (brings out two cardboard bases/plates) Now all you have to do is to add the custard.

Riff & Raff grab cans and squirt the ‘custard pie’ onto the plates.

Riff

Mine looks best, Miss.

Raff

Oh no it doesn’t!

Riff

Oh yes it does!!

Riff

Oh no it doesn’t!

Raff

Oh yes it does!!

Riff

(to Raff) You’re asking for it!

Raff

And you’re going to get it!

Riff & Raff aim the pies at each other.

Nursie

Stop! I will not have this sort of behaviour in class! I will taste both pies and decide which one is the best. Now give them here.

Riff & Raff

But miss!…

Nursie

Don’t but me!

Riff & Raff

We didn’t!

Nursie

Now hurry up and let me have those pies!

Riff

Are you sure?

Nursie

Yes!

Raff

And you won’t be angry with us?

Nursie

Of course not! Now let me have them!

Riff & Raff

Ok!

Both ‘pie’ Nursie.

Riff

So which one’s the best, Miss?

Nursie

(furious) Best!? Best!? I’ll give you best…Six of the best!

Riff & Raff

Ohwerr!

Nursie chases Riff & Raff around stage and all exit.