Prologue

Alice enters (SR) carrying a basket of strawberries and singing.

Alice

(sings) #Are you going to Scarborough fair, parsley sage rosemary and thyme#…(sees audience)…Oh, hello! I’m just out collecting strawberries for tea. But I’ve walked for miles, and now I’m feeling rather tired. I think I’ll have a little rest before I set off home. (sits down under a tree and falls asleep)

Blackout – UV lights on. Chorus/Children enter dressed as fantasy creatures – perhaps including some characters from the story, such as the Walrus & Carpenter. Others dressed all in black (so as to appear invisible) manipulate butterflies & birds, whilst others walk caterpillar-like creatures along the floor – colourful insects could be lowered from the flies for added effect. Music cue 1: Chorus/Children. As song/music nears end, Alice ‘wakes’. She stands and moves (DSC) marvelling at all the strange creatures as they dance around her. After song/music ends…All exit leaving Alice alone on stage Then – UV lights off and dimmed lighting on.

FX:

Whizzing sound.

The White Rabbit runs on (SL) clutching a golden heart in his hands.

Rabbit

I’m late! I’m late!

Alice

Hello, Mr Rabbit.

Rabbit

Can’t stop! I’m late! Goodbye!

Alice

Wait – please!

Rabbit stops.

Alice

Why are you in such a hurry?

Music cue 2: White Rabbit: After song ends…

Rabbit

(checks his pocket watch) Oh, my ears and whiskers! I’m later than ever now!

Alice

But you still haven’t said what you’re late for.

Rabbit

The royal wedding of course!

Alice

(excitedly) A royal wedding – how exciting! Who is getting married?

Rabbit

Princess Ruby of Hearts and Prince Jack of Diamonds! (checks watch again and exclaims) Oh my gosh! I really must dash!

Rabbit crawls through the ‘rabbit hole’ (SL) and exits.

Alice

(calls after him) Wait, Mr Rabbit! (exits after the White Rabbit)

Blackout – cloth/tabs out – full lighting up.

Scene One

Wonderland

Music cue 3: Wonderlanders. After song ends…

Wally the Joker enters (SR)

Joker

(to Wonderlanders) Hiya folks!

W’landers

Hiya Wally!

Joker

I say, I say! What’s red and wobbly and flies in the air? Give up?…A jellycopter! (falls about laughing)

Wonderlanders groan.

W’lander 1

Why don’t you give it a rest, Wally?

Joker

Because it’s my job to get everyone in a happy mood ready to cheer the Queen of Hearts when she arrives. If she doesn’t get the welcome she expects, she’ll have my head chopped off. Couldn’t you at least force a titter?

W’lander 2

I’m sorry Wally, but we’ve heard all your jokes before.

W’lander 3

But this lot (indicates audience) won’t have.

W’lander 4

(dryly) I wouldn’t bet on it.

Joker

(peers out over audience) Wow! Where did they all come from?

W’lander 5

They must have heard about the royal visit.

W’lander 1

(to Wally) Why don’t you try your jokes out on them?

Joker

Good idea. (to audience) Hiya folks! (muted response)

W’lander 2

(to Wally) If that’s the best they can do, you’re definitely gonna lose your head, Wally.

Joker

I haven’t even warmed up yet. (to audience) Hello, my name is Wally and I’m the royal Joker. Every time I come on and shout ‘hiya folks’! I want you to all shout back ‘tell us a joke, you funny bloke’ and I’ll tell you one of my brilliant jokes. Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya folks!

Audience

Tell us a joke, you funny bloke!

Joker

That wasn’t very good, was it? Now, listen boys and girls. I had a word with all your mums and dads on the way in, and they’ve agreed that you can shout as loud as you want today – tomorrow you’ll have to be quiet because they’ll all have hangovers. Right, let’s have another go. (exits and re-enters)

Audience

Tell us a joke, you funny bloke!

Joker

I don’t think the mums and dads were joining in that time, were they boys and girls? We’ll have another go, and this time make sure your mums and dads join in. (exits and re-enters) Hiya folks!

Audience

Tell us a joke, you funny bloke!

Joker

I say, I say! My mum-in-law has just gone to Moscow.

W’lander 3

Is she Russian?

Joker

No, she’s taking her time. Boom! Boom! (Chorus groan) Right, I’d better get to the palace before the queen sets off. See you later kids. (exits SL)

W’lander 4

Poor Wally – it must be dreadful working for the Queen of Hearts knowing that at any time, you could get the chop.

W’lander 5

Literally.

Alice crawls on (SR)

Alice

Mr Rabbit – where are you? (suddenly realises she can stand – stands) Thank goodness I can stand again. (stands) That rabbit hole was ever so cramped. (spots the Wonderlanders) Oh, hello.

W’lander 1

Are you looking for something?

Alice

Yes, a white rabbit. You haven’t seen one have you?

W’lander 2

No, but I’ve seen a red herring.

W’lander 3

I once saw a dark horse.

W’lander 4

And last night, I saw a pink elephant.

W’lander 5

Yes but you had just come out of the…(name of local pub)…dear.

Milly enters (SR)

Milly

There you are Alice! I’ve been looking all over for you. You’re late for your tea again.

Alice

Sorry mum.

White Rabbit runs on (SL)

Milly

Oh, look! It’s the Easter Bunny!

Rabbit

(stops and checks his watch) Oh my! I’m late for the royal wedding!

Milly

Royal wedding! Has Prince William finally named the day then?

Alice

No, mum. The Princess of Hearts is marrying the Prince of Diamonds.

Milly

The Princess of Hearts and the Prince of Diamonds – marrying! (laughs) Oh Alice, you are a card!

Rabbit

(puts his watch away) I’m late! Goodbye! (exits SR)

Alice

Wait, Mr Rabbit! (exits after the rabbit)

Milly

(calls after her) Alice! (annoyed) That’s it, I’ve had enough. I’m not running after her again. Who wants to go to a stuffy old royal wedding anyway?

Music cue 4: Lights dim and the Knave of Spades enters (SL)

Knave

Did I hear someone mention a wedding?

Milly

With ears like that, you could hardly have missed it.

Knave

So who is getting married?

Milly

Well if you believe the rumours, the Princess of Hearts and the Prince of Diamonds.

Knave

Curses!

Milly

Don’t tell me you’re late as well?

Knave

I should be marrying the princess!

Milly

Are you a vicar then?

Knave

No! I should be the royal groom!

Milly

Well, I’m sure there are plenty of other stables you can work at.

Knave

Are you an idiot?

Milly

Certainly not!

Knave

You could have fooled me. And with a face like that, it’s you who ought to be in stables.

Milly

How dare you! Who are you anyway?

Knave

I am the Knave of Spades. The King of Hearts and I had an understanding that one day his daughter and I would marry. But it appears he’s gone back on his word.

Alice enters.

Milly

(to Alice) Did you catch the White Rabbit, then?

Alice

No, he was too fast for me.

Knave

(to himself) White Rabbit, eh. (to Alice) I too am after the White Rabbit. And I will pay a handsome reward to anyone who helps me catch him.

Milly

He went that-a-way. (points to wing SR)

Knave

Thanks! (under his breath) Sucker. (exits SR)

Milly

(shouts after him) Just make the cheque out to ‘Milly’!

Alice

Why did you tell him where the rabbit went, mum? I don’t like the look of him.

Milly

Don’t judge people by appearances Alice. I thought he was an ugly ner-do-well at first, but then I started to notice his better qualities.

Alice

When?

Milly

The moment he mentioned ‘handsome reward’.

Music cue 5:Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee enter (SL)

Milly

Eh up, it’s the Chuckle Brothers.

Dee

(to Milly) Hello to you.

Dum

(to Alice) Hello to you.

Dee

(to Milly) Hello to you again.

Dum

We’ll introduce ourselves if we may.

Dee

Or if you like we’ll go away.

Dum

I’m Tweedle Dum.

Dee

I’m Tweedle Dee.

Dum

And Tweedly twins is what we be.

Dee

(to Milly) Now who are you?

Dum

(to Alice) And who are you?

Dee

(to Milly) And who are you again?

Milly

(points to herself and Alice in turn) I’m me, that’s her – that’s her, I’m me – but I’m not her and she’s not me – I can be silly too you see.

Dum

And very well you do it too.

Dee

Do you think at your age, it is right’?

Father William finally gives up, shakes his head and starts to exit.

Milly

(to Father William as he exits) I think ‘aerobics for octogenarians’ is next door, love.

Dum

And I want to see if they’re dry.

Alice

(to Dum & Dee) Excuse me. You haven’t seen a White Rabbit, have you?

Dee

That is correct – we haven’t.

Alice

Only I was chasing him just now.

Dum

Are you hunting him?

Dee

With a spear?

Dum

With a gun?

Dee

Or perhaps, a sticky bun?

Alice

No, he’s going to the royal wedding and I’d like to go too. Only I don’t know the way.

Dum

There’s only one way in Wonderland.

Milly

And which way’s that?

Dee

The queen’s way, of course.

Dum

She makes the law and sets the rules.

Dee

And we obey, ‘cos we’re no fools.

Music cue 6: Dum and Dee. After song ends...

Queen

(off) Out of my way!

Alice

Who is that?

Dum

It’s the Queen of Hearts!

Alice

She sounds angry.

Dee

She’s always angry.

Dum

Not at all like the Queen of Diamonds

Dee

Or the Queen of Clubs.

Dum

Or the Queen of Spades.

Milly

Blimey! This place has more Queens than an Elton John, party.

Queen

(off) Shift!

Dum

Let’s scarper!

Dee

Oh yes, indubitably.

Tweedle Dum & Tweedle Dee turn to Alice & Milly.

Dum

(to Alice) Goodbye to you.

Dee

(to Milly) Goodbye to you.

Dee

(to Alice) Goodbye to you again.

Dum & Dee exit (SR)

Joker

Hiya folks!

Wally enters (SL)

Audience

Tell us a joke, you funny bloke!

Joker

I say, I say! What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?…Frostbite!

Milly

And that was about as funny.

Joker

(to Milly) Who are you?

Milly

I’m Dame Millicent Milksop. And this is my beautiful daughter, Alice.

Joker

(to Alice) Pleased to meet you, Alice.

Alice

Likewise Mr…?

Joker

Pratt. Wally M. Pratt.

Alice

What’s the M for?

Joker

It’s a motorway from Liverpool to Wales. (laughs) Ha-ha-ha! I’ve got a million of ‘em.

Milly

Well if they’re anything like that, you can keep them.

Joker

I’m the royal joker, and it’s my job to make sure the crowd are in a happy mood before the king & queen make their entrance.

Milly

You’ll have your work cut out with this lot. (indicates audience) They all look as though they’ve lost a tenner and found 10p.

Joker

I’ll soon have them rolling in the aisles, watch. (to audience) I say, I say! What sort of bees live in a graveyard?…Give up?…Zom-bees! (laughs)

Milly

Speaking of the undead. Where did they dig this lot (indicate audience) up?

FX:

Fanfare.

The Queen of Hearts sweeps on, tamely followed by the King of Hearts.

Joker

Three cheers for their majesties! Hip-hip-hooray!

Queen

That wasn’t much of a welcome!

King

(weakly) I thought it was all right dear.

Queen

(snaps) When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you!

King

(cowers) Yes dear – thank you dear.

Joker

I’m sorry your Majesty. But tonight’s audience appear to have left their sense of humour at home.

Milly

Yes, and I’ll bet they wish they’d stayed home with it.

Queen

(shouts) Send for the army!

King

(to wing) Send for the army! Send for the Army! Her majesty has spoken – yes indeed. (to Alice & Milly) Isn’t she loud? Mmmm?

Joker

Oh, no!

Alice

(to Joker) Don’t worry, Wally. I can’t see them being any funnier than you.

All move upstage and Soldiers dressed as playing cards enter lead by the sergeant. Music cue 7: Soldiers. After song ends…the Soldiers line up fidgeting about and pushing and shoving each other.

Sergeant

(to Soldiers) No shuffling in the ranks! (bawls) Atteeeeeenshun!

The Soldiers snap to attention and Card 1 falls over.

Milly

(aside to Alice) Not exactly the Coldstream Guards, are they?

Sergeant

(shouts at Card 1) Who told you to fall out, soldier!?

Card 1

No one, sarge.

Sergeant

On your feet you ‘orrible little man!

Card 1 scrambles to his feet.

Sergeant

(salutes) Card division reporting for duty, your majesties!

Queen

(to Sergeant) The Joker has failed in his royal task and one is not amused.

King

A very serious offence, don’t you know.

Queen

For which there is only one punishment. (points and bellows) Off, with his head!

Sergeant

(to Soldiers) Grab him.

Soldiers take hold of Wally.

Joker

(begging) Give me another chance your majesty – please! I’m sure I can make them laugh.

Milly

I wouldn’t hold out too much hope if I were you. I’ve seen your lines.

Alice

(to Queen) You can’t chop someone’s head off for not making people laugh.

Queen

(turns on Alice) Who, are you!?

Alice

I’m Alice, your majesty – and this is my mum.

Milly

Charmed, I’m sure.

Queen

I take it you are newcomers to Wonderland.

Alice

Yes your Majesty.

King

(gushing) Visitors! How nice! (shakes their hand) Welcome to our kingdom! Isn’t it lovely? Mmmm?

Alice

(unsure) Well…

Queen

…And now that the pleasantries are out of the way. (points to Alice and Milly) Off with their heads!

Milly

Some welcome!

Alice

But what have we done wrong?

King

You uttered the two words that must never be directed at the queen.

Milly

I don’t recall either of us calling her ‘Big-Bum’.

King

Those aren’t the forbidden words.

Milly

You mean, we can call her ‘Big-Bum’?

Joker

Sssssh! You’ll only make things worse!

Alice

What could be worse than having your head chopped off?

King

The forbidden words are ‘you can’t’.

Queen

(to Sergeant) Take them all to the chopping block.

Sergeant

Yes your majesty. (to Soldiers) Bring them along.

Soldiers take hold of Alice & Milly.

Milly

Take your hands off me, or I shall have to deal with you! (to audience) Deal?… Cards? (sighs) Oh, forget it.

King

(nervously to Queen) Do we have to chop their heads off dear? Mmmm? It’s so messy. Why don’t we just throw them into the palace dungeons instead? Mmmm… pretty please….mmmm?

Queen

(hesitates) Well…

Milly

…Oh, please don’t put me in the dungeons! I suffer from ogitrev!

King

What’s, ogitrev?

Milly

Well you’ve heard of vertigo?

Queen

Yes, it’s the fear of heights.

Milly

Well ogitrev is just the reverse. (to audience) Think about it. (to Queen) I can’t bear the thought of being underground.

King

But you’ll end up underground, eventually.

Milly

Over my dead body!

Joker

(dryly) That’s the usual way.

Queen

(bellows with laughter) Ha-ha-ha! ‘Over my dead body’ – how very droll! I love dark humour! Just for that I won’t chop your heads off, after all. (to Sergeant) Sergeant. Take your men and return to barracks.

Sergeant

Yes, your majesty. (to Soldiers) All right you ‘orrible lot! At the double…quick… march! Left…left…left, right, left!

The Soldiers march off (SL) in a hopelessly inept manner.

Queen

(to Alice & Milly) How would you both like to come to the palace for tea and tarts? I made them all on a summer’s day you know.

Alice

Thank you, your majesty. We’d love too.

Queen

(to Alice & Milly) Do you play croquet?

Milly

What’s, croquet?

Joker

It involves hitting balls with a large wooden mallet.

King

(bends his knees in and winces) Oooohh! Can’t we play tiddlywinks instead, dear? Mmmm? Croquet is such a violent game.

Queen

(shouts) Only when you get in my way! Now shut up and come along.

King, Queen and Joker begin to exit followed by Alice & Milly.

Queen

(to Alice & Milly) Where do you think you’re going?

Alice

To the palace with you, your majesty.

Milly

You invited us for tea, remember?

Queen

(snaps) Of course I remember! But one is not going to the palace. One is going to open a new sports centre, and…

King

…Can I cut the ribbon, dear? Can I! Mmmm? Can I? Mmmm? Pretty please…(uses his fingers as scissors)…snip – snip.

Queen

There’s only one snip you’ll be getting if you interrupt me again! (to Alice & Milly) You’ll have to make your own way to the palace.

Alice

But we don’t know the way.

Queen

The Joker can take you there.

King & Queen exit (SR)

Joker

(to Alice & Milly) This way to the madhouse. (leads them off)