Scene One

Peking Market Place

A variety of market stalls are placed around the stage, manned by members of the Chorus. The exterior of the Chinese Laundry is situated on one side. Other Chorus members are shopping. Constable Chop & Sergeant Suey are on patrol. Song 1: Chorus/Dancers. After song ends…

A young boy takes on item from a stall runs off.

Stallholder

(shouts after him) Hey! Stop thief!

Boy

(bumps into Chop) Sorry, mister.

Chop

(holding on to boy) Now then. What are you up to?

Boy

About three foot ten at the moment.

Chop

Less of your cheek or I’ll march you off to the clink.

Boy

Oh yes? You and who’s army?

Chop

Me and my partner, sergeant Suey

Sergeant Suey joins them.

Suey

What seems to be the trouble constable Chop?

Chorus 1

This person took something from my stall.

Boy

No I didn’t, it was a mistake. (dashes off)

Chorus 2

Aren’t you going to catch them?

Suey

Don’t worry, we always get our man.

Chop

No criminal gets away from the Chinese police.

Chorus 3

Are you sure?

Suey

Yes. There’s no sharper sleuths than constable Chop and sergeant Suey. Song 2: #We Run Them In# Chop & Suey.

Chorus 4

It’s all very well wasting time, singing and dancing. But what about upholding the law?

Chop

Okay then. (produces a large piece of paper and holds it up. (the words ‘The Law’ are written on it)

Suey

Stop it Chop! The emperor and empress are due and we have to stay for crowd control.

Chop

They are both fine upstanding people.

Chorus 5

And here they come now.

Chorus

Hooray! (all bow)

Wishee Washee enters carrying a full laundry bag.

Wishee

(singing) Hey-hey, baby! (audience should respond ’ooh aah’ if they don’t respond, repeat song line) Hello everyone!

Chorus

Hello Wishee.

Wishee

(to audience) Hello boys and girls! (audience respond) That wasn’t very loud. I could hardly here you. Shall we try again? Hello boys and girls (audience shout louder)That’s better. I’d like you all to be my friends. Will you? (audience response) Good. Now every time I come on and shout ‘hello boys and girls’ will you shout ‘Hello Wishee’? (audience respond) Oh come on, you can do better than that. Hello boys and girls (audience respond louder) Fantastic! Now you know my name, but I don’t know yours. Why don’t you shout out your names, after three, one, two, three. (audience shout) I couldn’t quite catch them, so after three could you all shout louder? One, two, three! (audience shout louder) Great! Now you’re all my friends.

Suey

(moving to Wishee) Excuse me sir, but you’re not the emperor.

Chop

Or the empress.

Wishee

How very observant you are constable Chop, I am the eldest son of Widow Twankey who runs the Peking laundrette. I deliver the washing, that’s why they call me Wishee Washee.

Chop

So, what’s in the bag then?

Wishee

(moving closer to Chop) Their royal majesties unmentionables.

Chop

(loudly) You’ve got their underwear in there?

Wishee

I told you not to mention them, I’ve still got to deliver them.

Suey

Their majesties are supposed to be paying us a visit here, in the market square today, so you can leave them here.

Wishee

I can’t do that, someone might steal them.

Chop

They wouldn’t dare, not with constable Chop and sergeant Suey around.

Wishee

Okay, I’ll leave the bag here, but I’m still a bit worried though.

Suey

Then get someone to keep their eye on it.

Chop

I can do that. (goes to bag, bends down and puts his face against it)

Suey

What are you doing?

Chop

Keeping an eye on it.

Suey

Come away stupid!

Chop

(moves away pulling a stupid face)Okay!

Suey

What I mean is, why don’t you get one of your friends to watch the bag?

Wishee

What friends?

Suey

The boys and girls.

Wishee

I don’t know. (to audience) Will you look after my bog? (audience respond) I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. Will you look after my bag? (audience shout louder)

Suey

You’ll have to have a secret code.

Wishee

How do you mean?

Suey

Some word or saying that only you and the children know, so, if anyone goes to steal the bag, they can shout it out and you can come to the rescue.

Wishee

That’s a great idea, but what word do we use?

All three walk up and down, thinking.

Chop

What about ‘dirty drawers’?

Wishee

Yes! (to audience) Will you shout ‘dirty drawers’ if any one goes to steal my bag? (audience respond) Fantastic. Well now we’ve got that sorted out, I’ll see you later. (moves to go)

Suey

Just a minute, aren’t you going to practice it so you know it works?

Wishee

How do we do that then?

Suey

You go off and Chop here will pretend to steal it

Wishee

Right’o. (exits)

Chop

(moves towards the bag and audience react) I thought you were going to shout?

Suey

I think we’d better try that again. (repeat business)

Wishee re-enters.

Wishee

I heard that one

Suey

Yes, but I’m sure the boys and girls can shout even louder than that. You might be down the…(name of local pub)

Wishee

Okay. (exits, business as before then re-enters and audience shout) That was great kids, thanks. Now don’t forget will you?

Suey

This won’t do. us running around pretending to be robbers. We are Chinese policemen, here for crowd control when the emperor and empress visit.

Chorus

And here they come now

Chorus all bow, Chop & Suey stand to attention and Wishee moves to (SL) looking off stage.

Widow Twankey enters (SR) on a scooter, moves across the stage and bumps into Wishee. Both fall to the floor.

Twankey

(getting to her feet) I wish he wouldn’t do that. Get it? ‘Wishee’ (laughs)

Wi5hee

(getting to his feet) What do you think your doing? 1 could have you for dangerous driving. (realises it’s Twankey) Oh, it’s you. Are you all right, mum?

Twankey

(rubbing her bum) I think my big end’s gone.

Wishee

(glances at her bum) No mum, it’s still there. Anyway, what are you doing rushing around like that?

Twankey

I’m in a hurry to get home and cook your tea.

Wishee

Thanks mum, but you must be more careful.

Suey

Yes, don’t you know there’s a thirty-mile per hour speed limit around here?

Twankey

No! I was going too fast to see the sign.

Chop

Did you go through a red tight?

Twankey

Probably. I can’t remember, I had my eyes shut.

Wishee

Do you have your eyes shut every time you come to traffic lights?

Twankey

Yes, well once you’ve seen one tot, you’ve seen them all.

Chop

We could arrest you for that.

Suey

We could, but we haven’t got the time, we’re here for crowd control when the emperor and empress arrive.

Chorus 2

And here they come now.

Chop

Why do you keep saying that?

All bow and Chop & Suey stand to attention again.

Princess Lotus Blossom and So Shi enter.

Lotus

Good morning everyone.

All

Good morning, princess.

Twankey

Princess, we were expecting your parents.

Lotus

I know, they said they wanted to address the citizens.

So-Shi

But they were called away on urgent business.

Wishee

Cor! What a cracker!

Twankey

Shush! So, have you come to speak to us princess?

Lotus

Only to say that my parents have been delayed and to walk with So Shi around the town.

Wishee

I could do that my lady.

Twankey

Wishee!

Wishee

Well mum, I could

Lotus

That’s very kind of you young man. (to So-Shi) I would like to stay here at the market. You run along So-Shi, but be back within the hour

So-Shi

Yes my lady. (smiles at Wishee)

Wishee goes all soppy, he takes So-Shi by the hand and they both exit.

Lotus

He’s your son isn’t he Widow Twankey?

Twankey

My eldest. A good boy really, but a bit dim I’m afraid. Nor like my youngest, Aladdin, he’s always getting into trouble

Lotus

Really?

Twankey

He’s not a bad kid, he just keeps getting into scrapes. Anyway, I stop and chat. rye got to get bock to the laundry, see you later. (starts to exit)

Lotus

Goodbye, Widow Twankey!

Twankey

Bye! (exits into laundry)

Lotus

Now for a little look around the market stalls I think. (sees laundry bag) Some one seems to have left a bag behind. (moving to bag – audience should shout ‘dirty draws’)

Lotus

(moving back to the centre) That’s funny. I thought I heard voices. I must be mistaken. (moves bock to bag and audience shout again)

Wishee runs on.

Wishee

Hey! Hey, baby! (ooh ah) Hello boys and girls!

Chorus

Hello Wishee!

Wishee

Who’s touching my bag? (seeing Princess) Oh it’s you my lady, I’m sorry.

Lotus

That’s all right, I had no idea it was yours, it must be very precious?

Wishee

Well, not exactly, but I mustn’t loose it.

Lotus

I see.

Wishee

(to audience) Thanks gang, you're doing a great job, but don’t forget, try and be a bit louder next time. (exits)

Lotus

Now to do some shopping.

As Lotus Blossom makes her way around the market stalls, there is a reprise of ‘Chinatown. As she shops Chop & Suey become loaded with gifts. As she leaves each stall, that stall packs up. At the end of the song all exit except Chop & Suey and Lotus.

Suey

What would you like to do with all these things, my lady?

Lotus

Would you be kind enough to take them along to the palace for me please.

Chop

But we’ve got to stay here for crowd control for when their majesties arrive.

Lotus

(looking around) What crowd?

Chop/Suey

Ah!

Suey

Come along Chop. Walk this way. (does a funny walk off and Chop copies him)

Chop & Suey exit with parcels.

Aladdin runs in looking behind him. He carries a bag of sweets and bumps into Lotus Blossom.

Aladdin

I’m sorry your ladyship.

Lotus

That’s all right. You seem in a hurry?

Aladdin

Yes.

Lotus

Are you running away from someone?

Aladdin

No…well perhaps yes, I am.

Lotus

What’s in the bag?

Aladdin

Nothing…well yes, there is something.

Lotus

You seem very confused.

Aladdin

I just don’t want to run into the police.

Lotus

Have you done something wrong?

Aladdin

No, but I always seem to get into trouble. The thing is I met this man and he gave me this bag of sweets.

Lotus

Well? What’s wrong with that?

Aladdin

Mum always said never to take sweets from strangers. but he said it would be helping him out.

Lotus

Well, did he say how?

Aladdin

No, he just hurried off.

Lotus

I wouldn’t worry about it. Were you looking for someone when you arrived?

Aladdin

My mother – Widow Twankey.

Lotus

She went into the laundry. You must be Aladdin?

Aladdin

That’s right and who are you?

Lotus

My name is Lotus Blossom.

Aladdin

Lotus Blossom? Not Princess Lotus Blossom?

Lotus

Yes.

Aladdin

Fancy meeting you here in the market place. You are lovely…er…I mean it’s lovely to meet you.

Lotus

Don’t be embarrassed, I’m pleased to meet you. And it’s nice to get out of the palace once in a while.

Aladdin

But aren’t you afraid, being out by yourself?

Lotus

Not really. The policemen have Just taken my shopping back to the palace and my lady in waiting has gone for a short walk with your brother.

Aladdin

Wishee Washee? Oh dear. Well my lady, I bid you good day.

Lotus

No! Don’t go. Stay and keep me company. It’s nice to talk to someone. Song 3: Aladdin & Lotus. #Zing Went The Strings#. After song ends… both exit.

FX:

Fanfare.

The Vizier enters out of breath and a bit worse for wear.

Vizier

Make way, make way and hide your ugly mugs for their most impressive and imperial majesties, the Emperor and Empress of China. (to audience) And you lot get ready to grovel

FX:

Fanfare.

The Emperor & Empress enter in their ‘Royal Coach’, which has no floor in it, so they will enter ‘Flintstones’ style.

Empress

(to Emperor) I wish you’d get this thing serviced, it’s about ready for the knockers yard.

Emperor

(aside) It’s not the only thing.

Empress

What was that?

Emperor

Nothing my dear. I was just saying have you booked it in for an MOT tomorrow?

Vizier

(indicating audience) This lot is ready for your inspection your majesty.

Empress

Oh yes. Well I suppose we’d better have a took at them (parades from’ left to right surveying the audience. She doesn’t like what she sees) Oh dear! This is no good. Tut-tut. (the Emperor is following, putting his thumbs up to the audience, at one stage she turns to took at him and he quickly frowns and shakes his head) Is this absolutely necessary?

Vizier

It’s the done thing, your majesty.

Empress

But they’re all so common. They’re even worse than that lot from last night. Can’t we give it a miss tonight?

Vizier

We must follow the sacred law of ‘Who Flung Dung’ your majesty. You must acknowledge them.

Empress

Oh very well. (turns to audience, gives half a wave and mutters) Hello, peasants.

The Vizier leaps to the front of the stage Sergeant Major style.

Vizier

Now listen you lot. When her High & Mightiness, Star of the Orient, the Sun and Moon of Eastern Skies. Her Most Mint Imperial Majesty says ‘hello peasants’ you must shout back ‘hello your majesty’ Do you understand? (audience respond) Please try again, your majesty.

Empress

Hello peasants. (audience respond) Well I suppose that will have to do. (majestically) I am ‘One Long Moan’ Empress of all China.

Emperor

And I’m the Emperor of China, ‘Who Pin Cof’.

Empress

Did anyone ask you?

Emperor

Well…er…no, my sweet.

Empress

Then shut up.

The Emperor pokes his tongue out behind her back.

Empress

While we hove stopped, we will partake in some light refreshment. My mouth feels like the back end of a camel.

Emperor

Yes, and your face looks like the front of it.

Empress

What did you say?

Emperor

I said, why don’t we rest for a bit?

Empress

I just said that.

Emperor

And how beautifully, my evening primrose.

Empress

I think he’s gone round the twist.

Emperor

What a good idea. (to the band or wing) One, Two, Three! Song: #Let’s Twist Again# The Emperor & Vizier start singing and dancing.

Empress

(shouts) Stop! Do you mind? I’ve got a thumping headache!

Emperor

It’s just slipped down to your face.

Empress

What did you say?

Emperor

Your really looking ace.

Vizier exits.

Empress

Do you really think so? I went to that new beauty parlour yesterday for some Botox treatment that would give me the skin of a sixteen-year old.

Emperor

(aside) Was it shut, then?

The Vizier enters carrying two cups of water and hands one each to the Emperor & Empress.

Empress

(screwing her face up) Haven’t you got anything fizzier, vizier?

The Vizier rushes around looking for an alternative.

Emperor

Don’t get in a tizzy vizzy, just get busy with the fizzy.

The Vizier exits and returns armed with a soda siphon, he squirts it carelessly into their drinks splashing them. The empress takes the siphon from Vizier and squirts him in the face. The Emperor laughs, so she squirts him. The Vizier grabs the siphon and makes to squirt the Empress.

Empress

You wouldn’t dare!

Vizier

(to audience) Shall I boys and girls? (audience respond)

Empress

Oh, no you wont!

Vizier

Oh, yes I will!

Empress

Oh, no you won’t!

Vizier

Oh yes I will. (squirts the Empress and runs off)

The Emperor stands there laughing. The Empress glares at him and he immediately stops

Empress

Don’t Just stand there, after him! (they get back in the ‘royal coach’ and head off in pursuit of the Vizier)