The Town Square In Old Peking

Music cue 2: Citizens. After song ends…Widow Twankey enters (SR) carrying a shopping bag.

Twankey

(sings) #Keep young and beautiful, it’s my duty to be beautiful# (sees audience) Oh hello, if I’d known we had visitors I’d have put on my best frock. Oh what am I saying, this is my best frock. I can’t afford any new clothes you know. Me and my two sons are so poor we even get parcels from Oxfam…We're poorer than that! (encourage audience to ‘ahhh’) I tried supplementing our income by taking a job as a contortionist. But I still couldn’t make ends meet…Oh where are my manners, I haven’t introduced myself, have I? Now my name is Widow Twankey, and I run this here laundry, helped by my two sons, Aladdin and Wishee Washee. Although I can never find them when I need them. Wishee was supposed to be helping me fetch the shopping from Tesco’s this morning. I don’t know where he is, but I wish-he would hurry up. Wishee would hurry up? Ha, ha! I made a little joke there…Pity you didn’t notice it.

Wishee Washee enters (USR)

Wishee

Hi mum!

Twankey

Wishee! What time do you call this?

Wishee

Breakfast time?

Twankey

Try lunchtime!

Wishee

Sorry mum, I overslept.

Twankey

You sleep more than a cat on valium.

Wishee

(points to her bag) What’s in the bag, mum?

Twankey

It’s my new frock. I got it in the 50% off, ‘bargain box’ at Matalan (takes half a frock out of the bag) Now I just need to find a shop that’s selling the other 50%. Well now you’re here you can help me fetch the shopping.

Wishee

Huh – we’re so poor all our shopping ever consists of is baked beans and sprouts. If it wasn’t for the musical evenings our diet provided, life could get really boring around here. According to Jamie Oliver, I should be eating a balanced diet.

Twankey

You do eat a balanced diet!

Wishee

How do you make that out?

Twankey

The sprouts on your plate weigh the same as the beans.

Wishee

So what are we having this week?

Twankey

Well this week I thought I’d buy a nice joint of roast pork with new potatoes and all the trimmings. And then fill up the freezer with some nice juicy steaks, pizza’s, oven chips and ice cream.

Wishee

Oh, lovely!

Twankey

But then I realised I’d spent most of the money on half a dress, so we’ll have to settle for beans and sprouts. Now come along.

Wishee

But I haven’t had breakfast yet?

Twankey

I’ll buy you lunch at that new Chinese-Italian restaurant. ‘Gino Lee’s Hot Wok Pasta Bar’.

Wishee

Forget it. I went there once and came out hungrier than when I went in.

Twankey

How come?

Wishee

Have you ever tried eating spaghetti with Chopsticks? I ended up knitting myself a sweater.

Aladdin runs on (SR)

Aladdin

Help – I'm being chased by a lunatic!

Wishee

Quick – hide in the laundry basket!

Aladdin

Thanks Wishee!

Aladdin climbs into the laundry basket – An angry merchant runs on (SR)

Merchant

Where is that useless brother of yours?

Wishee

What do you want him for?

Aladdin

I paid him to look after my stall, and when I got back the stall was empty and there was only fifty pence in the till!

Twankey

Well I’m afraid he isn’t here.

Merchant

I’ll catch him if it’s the last thing I do! (exits SL)

Wishee

(lifts basket lid) You can come out now.

Aladdin climbs out of the basket.

Aladdin

That was close.

Twankey

What have you been up to this time, Aladdin?

Aladdin

Bogof!

Twankey

How dare you speak to your mother like that!

Aladdin

It means buy one get one free! The stallholder told me to sell everything as buy one get one free, but I got confused and put up a sign saying buy one get the rest free.

Twankey

No wonder he was annoyed.

Citizens rush on excitedly.

Wishee

What’s all the excitement?

Citizen 1

Haven't you heard?

Wishee

Well not much since the last time mother shouted at me.

Citizen 2

Princess Lychee is coming to Peking to do a spot of royal shopping!

Aladdin

(intrigued) I wonder what’s she’s shopping for.

Citizen 3

A wedding dress.

Aladdin

(aghast) The princess is getting married!?

Citizen 1

That’s right.

Twankey

Who’s she marrying?

Citizen 2

Won-hung-lo.

Twankey

…I know, I could do with those ones that lift and separate (adjusts her bosom)

Citizen 2

He’s the son of the Grand Khazi.

Aladdin

But she can’t marry him!

Citizen 3

She has no choice – her parents have arranged it all.

Wishee

I'm glad I'm not royalty. I want to decide for myself who I marry.

Twankey

You’re never awake long enough to get married.

Aladdin

I was hoping to marry Princess Lychee.

Wishee

Well here’s no chance of that now. Besides, you’ve never even seen her.

Twankey

And a good job too. Everyone knows it’s death for commoners to look upon the princess.

Wishee

Royal walkabouts must be pretty quiet affairs then.

Aladdin

I’d risk anything to catch a glimpse of the princess. Music cue 3:

Foo

(off) Clear the way for their imperial majesties!

Twankey

It’s the royal party! We’d better get out of here - quick!

All exit – except Aladdin, who climbs back into the laundry basket unnoticed by the others – Kung and Foo enter brandishing their truncheons.

Kung

Look out – look out!

Foo

Watch what you do!

Kung

Or the Chinese police will come for you!

Foo

We’re the toughest coppers you'll ever meet!

Kung

So hurry up and clear the street!

Foo

Our duties are conducted with rigorous pride.

Kung

And if you misbehave you'll be quick stir-fried!

Foo

His name's Kung and mine is Foo!

Kung

And we'll give you a taste of the old one two! Music cue 4: (pretend fight Kung-Fu style) After fight ends… A man runs on (SL)

Man

Help – police!

Kung

What seems to be the trouble sir?

Man

I need to find a chemist’s quick!

Foo

What for?

Man

A bee has just stung me on the finger!

Foo

Which one?

Man

I don’t know – they all look alike to me!

Foo

(hits man with truncheon) Buzz off!

Man staggers off (SR) A Woman enters (SR)

Woman

Oh officers!

Kung

Yes, madam?

Woman

Could you tell me the name of the road where Woolworths is?

Foo

(thinking) Oh I know it like the back of my hand (thinking hard) No don’t tell me, the name’s on the tip of my tongue.

Woman

Stick your tongue out then.

Foo

What for?

Woman

So I can see the name of the road.

Kung

(raises his truncheon) On your way, missus!

Woman exits (SL) grumbling – Another woman enters (SR)

Foo

(to woman) Excuse me Madam – but would you mind accompanying us to the police station?

Woman

Whatever for, officer?

Kung

It's in a rough area and we’re frightened to go on our own.

Woman

(hits them with her handbag) Getoutofit you big nancies!

Woman exits (SL) A Boy enters (SR) dressed in shorts.

Boy

(to Foo) Please sir, can you tell me where I can buy some long pants?

Foo

How long do you want them?

Boy

From October to March.

Kung

Who taught you to be so cheeky?

Boy

No one – I’m self-taught.

Foo

Well here’s another lesson for you (hits Boy on head with truncheon)

Boy

I’ll tell my mum on you!

Foo

Well while you’re at it, tell her I’ll be late home for tea tonight.