• Robin Hood And The Babes In The Wood

Synopsis:
The wicked and greedy Prince John is desperate to become King, but his brother King Richard’s children stand in the way of him and the throne of England. So he orders the nasty Sheriff of Nottingham to have them kidnapped and killed. The Sheriff in turn hires two hopeless baddies to carry out the work and comic ineptitude ensues. The Babes are eventually kidnapped by Bashem and Thumpem, but they can’t go through with killing them Babes and instead abandon them in the woods. But help is at hand in the form of Robin Hood and his Merry Men, assisted by Hayrick and Nursie along with her faithful dog Tyson. There is the traditional comical schoolroom scene, plus a nursery scene with ghouls and a skeleton. Also a funny weightlifting contest and a magic show. A terrific fun-filled panto, with good set-piece gags and plenty of audience participation.

Roles:
16 principals (which includes 4 minor speaking roles for Merry Men) also has several other minor speaking roles.

Runtime:
All of our scripts have a runtime of approx 120 minutes, assuming that you use the full number of suggested musical numbers and not including any interval. But this is very dependent on your own production and can be edited by yourselves to suit.

Music:
All of our pantomimes come with a full, suggested songs and music cues and SFX list.

Style:
Traditional British pantomime, incorporating visual comedy, slapstick and audience participation.











































Characters
Nursie
Hayrick
Sheriff of Nottingham
King John
Queen Arachnid
Bashem
Thumpem
Robin Hood
Little John
Friar Tuck
Will Scarlett
Alan-a-Dale
Tyson
The Babes

Chorus/Minor roles
Villagers
Schoolchildren
Guards
Dancers, etc


Scene One

The Village Square


Curtains open and Villagers are discovered onstage. Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…Marion enters (SR) and moves to centre stage. Villagers move forward and split into two groups either side of her.

Marion
(cheerily) Good morning everyone!

Villager 1
Good morning Lady Marion!

Marion
It’s wonderful to see everybody enjoying themselves for once.

Villager 2
Yes, but it won’t last long. As soon as the Sheriff comes to collect the taxes, we’ll all be miserable again.

Villagers
(variously) Yes! That’s true! The old misery guts! 

Villager 3
He barely leaves us enough to live on.

Villager 4
My kids have eaten nothing but porridge for months.

Villager 5
My kids are dressed in rags.

Villager 1
My kids haven’t any shoes.

Villager 2
My kids have eaten their shoes!

Marion
Cheer up everyone, all is not doom and gloom.

Villager 3
Have you some good news to cheer us up Marion?

Marion
Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

Villager 4
What’s the bad news?

Marion
Prince John and Queen Arachnid are coming here today on a royal visit.

Villagers groan.

Villager 5
And what’s the good news?

Marion
Robin Hood is planning an ambush.

Villager
(cheer) Hooray!

Villager 1
If anyone can help us, it’s Robin. 

Villager 2
He’s our only hope. 

Villager 3
(looks to wing) Look out!  Pokem, the Sheriff’s idiot sidekick is coming!

Villager 4
He’s probably going to announce yet another tax rise.

Pokem enters (SL)

Pokem
Listen up you peasants! The Sheriff has decided that the insignificant amount of taxes you pay, are to be increased as from today.

Villager 5
But he already taxes us to the hilt.

Pokem
Rubbish! It’s ages since your taxes went up. 

Villager 1
They went up last week!

Pokem
Exactly! Ages ago. (sees Marion) Lady Marion! What are you doing associating with these…peasants? 

Marion
I was just showing the villagers how to greet the royal party when they arrive. I want to make sure they get the reception they so richly deserve. (winks at Villagers)

Pokem
I’m sure their majesties will appreciate your devotion to duty, Marion.

Sheriff
(shouts off) Pokem!

Villager 2
(exclaims) It’s the Sheriff!

Marion joins the Villagers.

Sheriff enters (SL)

Pokem
Three cheers for the Sheriff! Hip-hip hooray! Hip-hip…

Sheriff
…They aren’t cheering, Pokem.

Pokem
Yes sire. (poking the Villagers) Take that and that and…

Sheriff
…What are you doing?

Pokem
Poking them like you asked sire.

Sheriff
(beats Pokem) You, are a blithering idiot!

Pokem
Yes sire, thank you sire, you’re too kind sire. All together now. (conducts Villagers)  For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow. For he’s…

Sheriff
(bawls at Pokem)…Shut up!

Pokem
Yes sire at once sire, your wish is my command sire…

Sheriff
…I command you to shut up!

Pokem
Shutting up sire.

Sheriff
Have you told the peasants about the new tax rises?

Pokem 
Yes sire.

Villager 3
We can’t afford to pay any more taxes.

Sheriff
Well if you don’t pay your taxes on time, you’ll be hit with a late payment charge.

Marion
(to Sheriff) Don’t you ever give a thought to the poor, Sheriff? 

Sheriff      
The poor are constantly on my mind. Which is why I have to collect more taxes for ‘poor’ Prince John. (to Pokem) And what about that lot down there? (indicates audience) Have you collected their taxes yet? 

Pokem
But they’re only here to see the show, sire.

Sheriff
That’s no excuse! (to audience) Have you all paid your taxes? (audience react) (to Pokem) See that all the doors are locked and don’t let them out until they’ve paid. 

Pokem
You don’t suppose they’re working for...the hooded one, sire?

Sheriff
'Batman'?

Pokem
No, sire! Robin Hood!

Sheriff
I’d better ask them. (goes downstage) Well? Are you all working for Robin Hood? (audience respond) Make up your minds!

Pokem            
They obviously have something to hide.

Sheriff           
You may be right, Pokem.

Pokem
Right’o. (goes downstage)

Sheriff
Where are you going?

Pokem
To poke them, sire.

Sheriff    
What for?

Pokem
I thought you wanted me to.

Sheriff    
Don’t think Pokem, it only gives you headaches.

Pokem
No, it doesn’t! (Sheriff bops him on the head) Owah! Yes, it does. 

Villagers laugh.

Sheriff    
(to Villagers) Listen up you rabble. Your measly taxes have been trebled as of now. It was going to be quadrupled, but I’m feeling in a good mood today. 

Villager 4 
(to others) If he’s like that when he’s in a good mood, I’d hate to see him in a bad mood.

Sheriff                
And that’s exactly what you will see, if you keep protecting that thieving outlaw Robin Hood! Now when are you going to hand him over?

Villagers
Never! (all chant) Robin! Robin!

Sheriff
Silence! I will make you all pay for this insurrection.

Villager 5
Don’t tell me you’re taxing that as well?

Pokem             
(aside to Sheriff) Why don’t we offer a reward for Robin Hood, sire?

Sheriff          
I don’t want to reward him!

Pokem
No sire, I mean offer a reward for information leading to his capture. The peasants are so poor that somebody’s bound to dob him in.

Sheriff
Good idea, Pokem. And we can always get the money back by way of a reward tax. (to Villagers) Listen up peasants! Your kind hearted and generous Sheriff has decided to offer one hundred gold crowns, for information leading to the capture of the outlaw Robin Hood. But this is a time-limited offer. I want him handed in by the end of the week, or I will have your dirty stinking hovels burnt to the ground! Get it?…Got it?…Good! (to Pokem) Let’s go Pokem. 

Pokem
Now, sire?

Sheriff
Now what?

Pokem
Shall we poke ‘em now?

Sheriff          
I’ll poke you in a minute! 

Sheriff beats and kicks Pokem off stage and they exit (SL)

Marion
(to Villagers) One hundred gold crowns is a fortune to poor peasants. It will be very tempting for someone to snitch on Robin.

Villager 1
We’d never betray Robin. (to others) Would we?

Villagers       
No! 

Marion
Robin’s lucky to have so many loyal friends.  

Villager 2
And Robin’s lucky to have you Lady Marion. But how do you know if he really loves you? 

Marion
Music cue 2: Marion and Villagers. After song ends…Come on everybody. Let’s find Robin and tell him what’s happened. 

All exit (SR) 

Hayrick enters (SL)

Hayrick
Hiya kids! (audience respond) I can see I’m going to have to train you lot up, so here’s the deal. My name’s Hayrick and whenever I come on and say ‘hiya kids’ I want you all to shout back, ‘hiya Hayrick’! As loudly as you can. Will you do that? (audience respond) Great. Now can you all keep a secret? (audience respond) Right, well I’m the official lookout for Robin Hood and his Merry Men. And it’s a very important job, because they’re the only ones who can help the villagers fight against the Sheriff of Nottingham and Prince John. But they could do with a few more volunteers. ‘Ere, I’ve just had a great idea. How would you all like to join Robin Hood’s gang? (audience respond) I can't hear you. Would you all like to join Robin's gang? Wonderful! Now before you can become a member, you all must swear. Hang on, that can’t be right. I’ll just check my membership card. (takes out card and studies it) Silly me. It says you must ‘swear an oath’. Now who wants a card? (audience react - goes down and hands out cards and returns to the stage) Okay, now raise your right hand and repeat after me. ‘We promise to always cheer Robin Hood and to always boo the Sheriff of Nottingham. (they do this) Okay you can all put your hands down now. Unless you need the loo. In which case, it’s through the back door and first on the left. Oh, I almost forgot. We also have a secret 
password, but I’ll have to whisper it to you in case anyone hears. It’s…(stage whisper)…‘Pink Tights’ What’s the password? (audience shout) Ssssh! We don’t want the Sheriff to hear it. 

Nursie    
(off) Tyson! 

Hayrick
It sounds like Nursie’s lost her dog again. Mind you I don’t blame it for always running away, I think I’d do the same if I had a mistress like her. I think I’d better scarper, too. Nursie seems to be under the illusion that I fancy her. It all happened when the Sheriff told her she wasn’t fit to live with pigs and I said she was. The silly old fool took it as a compliment and has been trying to get her paws on me ever since.

Nursie
(off) Tyson! 

Hayrick
(to audience) I’m off. If Nursie asks, you haven’t seen me, right? (exits SL)

Nursie enters (SR)

Nursie
Tyson! Where are you? Come to Nursie, you bad boy. (sees audience) Oh hello! I didn’t realise we’d already started. I’m sorry I’m late, only I’ve lost my little doggie you see. You haven’t seen him, have you? (audience respond) Well if you do, will you give me a shout? Actually, you could help me call him now if you like. Will you do that? (audience respond) Oh you are kind. Now I’ll count to three and then I want everybody to shout ‘Tyson’ at the tops of your voices. Ready. One…two…three. Tyson! (shouts at audience) Louder! Tyson! 

Music cue 3: Tyson runs in (SR) jumps at Nursie’s back bowling her over before running off (SL) 

Nursie
Bad boy, Tyson!

Nursie staggers to her feet and bends down to pick up her hat and Tyson runs in (SL)and hits her rear sending her sprawling again and then runs off (SR)

Nursie
(shouts) Tyson! Come back here at once, or I’ll cut off your meaty chunks!

Tyson runs on (SR) and fusses over the sitting Nursie.

Nursie
Gerroff! It took me hours to put this make-up on. (to audience) Who said I needed it? (stands) I’m afraid Tyson’s a little over excited. You see it’s his birthday today and I promised he could have his very own lamppost put up on the patio. But he’s a very clever dog you know. Why don’t you show everyone your party trick, Tyson? 

Tyson goes downstage and cocks his leg at the audience.

Nursie
Not that one! I meant your song and dance routine. Music cue 4: Tyson and Nursie. After song ends…Tyson bows. Well done, Tyson. 

Tyson continues bowing.

Nursie
That’s enough now, Tyson. 

Tyson continues bowing.

Nursie
I said, 'that's enough'! Who’s the star of this show anyway?

Tyson points to himself.

Nursie
How would you like to pay a visit to the vet’s?

Tyson covers his vunerables with his paws.

Nursie
(to audience) Now allow me to introduce myself. My name’s ‘Nurse Nora’ but you can call me ‘Nursie’, and I work in Nottingham Castle. That’s because I’m Nanny to King Richard’s children Rosie and Jim, which makes them Prince John’s Nephew and Niece. And he’s left them in the care of the Sheriff of Nottingham, because his wife has some sort of allergy to children. It’s more complicated than an Eastenders plot, isn’t it? But Rosie and Jim are smashing kids. Which reminds me. I wonder where they are. You haven’t you seen them, have you? (audience respond - to Tyson) Tyson! Go and find the babes and fetch them here. 

Tyson nods and moves around stage, sniffing.

Nursie
(to audience) Tyson’s one-tenth bloodhound, you know. The other nine tenths are anybody’s guess.

Tyson barks and runs off (SL)    

Nursie
There he goes! Off like a greyhound on steroids! 

Music cue 5: Tyson shepherds the Babes on (SL) 

Nursie
Well done Tyson. (to Babes) Where have you kids been?

Rosie
We’ve been letting down the tyres on the Sheriff’s coach, Nursie.

Nursie
Oh, you naughty babes. I don’t know where you get such ideas. 

Jim
(passes a penknife to Nursie) Here’s your penknife back, Nursie. 

Nursie
(sheepish) Ahem! I wondered where that had gone. Well now you’re here, why don’t you say hello to everybody?

Both    
(wave to audience) Hello everybody!

Rosie    
Can we go and play in the woods, Nursie?

Nursie
Certainly not!

Rosie    
But why not?

Nursie    
Because everybody knows the woods are haunted, that’s why. Besides, if you went in there we’d have to have a big scene with ghosts and ghoulies and such like. Now I’m sure the audience don’t mind seeing a couple of ghosts…

Babes
…But Nursie!

Nursie
Never mind ‘but Nursie’ Your father has charged me with looking after you little minxes. 

Jim
I thought he was ‘paying’ you, not ‘charging’ you.

Nursie
Well I don’t think I’m charging him enough actually. Now come along kids, it’s time you were back at the castle. Say goodbye to all our friends. (indicate audience)

Babes
(wave to audience) Goodbye friends!

Nursie
You too Tyson. You must be dog-tired after all that dancing. (to audience) 'Dog-tired'? Oh, please yourselves. 

Tyson waves his paw and they all exit (DSL) 

Marion and Villagers enter (USL) ‘chatting’ as they go.

Hayrick runs on (SR)

Hayrick
(excitedly) Robin’s coming! Robin’s coming! (to audience) Now don’t forget to cheer. Music cue 6: 

Robin enters (SR) and moves to centre stage. 

Villagers
Hooray for Robin! (Hayrick moves beside Robin and the Villagers move forward and split to either side of them)

Robin
What a wonderful greeting! (to Villagers) And how are you all this fine morning?

Villager 1
Not very good Robin. The Sheriff has just trebled our taxes.

Villager 2
And threatened to burn down our homes if we don’t pay up.

Robin
The swine!

Villager 3
And he’s offered a reward of one hundred gold crowns for someone to dob you in.

Robin    
Only one hundred. I’m deeply offended. I must be worth at least a thousand.

Villager 4
We wouldn’t grass on you for any amount of money, Robin.

Robin
Why thank you. It warms my heart to see such loyalty.

Villager 5
Although we don’t know how much longer we can survive the Sheriff’s tax rises. 

Robin
Fear not good people. The Sheriff’s tyranny will soon be at an end.

Villagers
Hooray! 

Villager 1
Are you going to attack Nottingham Castle with your men, Robin?

Robin
My merry men are brave enough all right. But there aren’t enough of us to attack Nottingham Castle. In fact, we could do with a few more recruits. 

Hayrick
It’s funny you should mention that Robin, ‘cos I’ve just signed this lot up. (indicates audience)

Robin
(goes downstage and peers out) My, what a fine-looking bunch. But are you sure they’re brave enough to join my gang, Hayrick?

Hayrick
Well they were brave enough to buy tickets for this show.

Robin
That is brave.

Hayrick
And they know the secret password and everything.

Robin    
I’m afraid the secret password’s been changed Hayrick.

Hayrick
Why, what was wrong with it?

Robin
Little John wasn’t too happy about using ‘pink tights’. 

Hayrick
I knew you shouldn’t have let Will Scarlet pick it. All right then, tell me the new password Robin.

Robin
Okey-dokey.

Hayrick
Go on then.

Robin   
Okey-dokey!

Hayrick
I’m waiting.

Robin
Okey-dokey!!

Hayrick
Are you going to tell me the new password or not, Robin?

Robin                 
The new password is ‘okey-dokey’!

Hayrick
Oh, I see! Well I suppose it’s better than ‘pink tights’. (to audience & Villagers) What’s the new password?

Aud & Vill
Okey-dokey!

Hayrick
Well done.

Marion
Prince John and his guards will be arriving any minute now to collect taxes, Robin.

Robin
Yes, and me and my merry men have arranged a welcoming party for them.

Marion
(looks about) Where are your men, Robin?

Robin
They’re waiting for a blow on my horn. I’ll just get it out. (takes out a hunting horn, and blows) Music cue 7: 

Merry Men enter (SR) they stand in line and step forward as Robin introduces them.

Robin    
Alan-a-dale!

Villagers
Hooray!

Alan-a-dale strums on his lute. Music cue 8: 

Alan-a-dale
What do you think of my latest tune, Robin?

Robin
It’ll never catch on, Alan.

Alan-a-dale
(downbeat) Oh, sh…erbet-dabs.

Robin
Little John, the toughest outlaw of them all!

Villagers
Hooray!

Little John
(bellows) I eat three Shredded Wheat for breakfast!

Robin    
Will Scarlet!

Will Scarlet
(tugging at his tights) These woollen tights don’t half itch, Robin. I said we should have ordered them in Lycra.

Alan-a-dale
Will’s been a bit grumpy ever since he laddered his best tights, earlier.

Will Scarlet 
(to audience) The outdoor life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be you know.

Robin
And last but not least, Friar Tuck!

Villagers
Hooray!

Friar Tuck
Greetings, brothers and sisters! Music cue 9: 

Hayrick
The royal party are coming!

Villagers
Let’s get out of here!

Hayrick and Villagers exit (SR) 

Robin
To your positions men.

Robin and Merry Men hide behind bushes (USR) 

Sheriff and Pokem enter (SL)

Pokem
Make way for their Royal Majesties, Prince John and Queen Arachnid! Out of the way peasants! (realises there’s nobody around) There’s no one here sire.

Sheriff
And a good job too. Their majesties can’t stand common people getting under their royal feet.

Pokem
But won’t they get annoyed if no one cheers them sire?

Sheriff
You’re right Pokem. They’re used to spontaneous adulation, even if it is produced at the point of a sword. This lot…(indicate audience)…will have to cheer them instead.

Pokem
But what if they won’t, sire?

Sheriff
Leave it to me. (to audience) Listen, you snotty little nose-wipes! Prince John and Queen Arachnid will be here soon and I want you to cheer them when they enter. And if anybody dares boo, I’ll have them stretched on the rack during the interval. Music cue 10: 

Prince John and Queen Arachnid enter (SL) followed by Guards carrying a large treasure chest.

Pokem
(to audience) Three cheers for their majesties. Hip-hip…hooray! Hip-hip...(to Sheriff) They’re not cheering, Sheriff!

Sheriff
They’ll be cheering on the other side of their faces, if their majesties hear them not cheering.

Arachnid
(holds a handkerchief to her nose) Uggh! What’s that horrible smell?

Prince. J
(indicating audience) It’s all those commoners down there dear. 

Arachnid
Uggh! Even in the dark they look horrible.

Prince. J
That’s because they are horrible, dearest.

Arachnid
And what are all those…smaller ones?

Prince. J
They look like children to me.

Arachnid
(grimaces) I hate children! They remind me of your wretched Nephew and Niece.

Prince. J
You mean Richard’s brats?

Arachnid
Yes, and they’re horrible too.

Prince. J
Indeed, they are. They also stand between me and the crown of England. 

Arachnid
Then don’t you think it’s time we got rid of them?

Prince. J
All in good time my dear. Meanwhile let’s get some lovely loot out of this…(indicates audience)…horrible lot. They all look filthy rich.

Arachnid
(leers at audience) Well they certainly look ‘filthy’. 

Robin and Merry Men appear behind them. Robin sneaks up on Pokem and taps him on the shoulder. 

Pokem 
(turns and exclaims) Robin Hood!

A brief fight ensues between the Guards and Robin and his men.

SFX: Sound of sword-fighting - clashing swords.

The Guards eventually turn tail and run off. 

Arachnid
This is an outrage!

Alan-a-dale
So is your face.

Arachnid
How dare you!  (to Prince John) Well? Aren’t you going to defend my honour?

Prince. J
(timidly) Best not annoy them dear, they might turn nasty.

Robin
We leave being nasty to the Sheriff.

Little John opens the chest and holds up gold and jewels.

Little John
Look Robin!

Arachnid
Take your hands of my baubles!

Little John
I wouldn’t touch your baubles with an extra-long barge pole.

Robin
How kind of you to deliver the villager’s tax rebate personally, Prince John.

Prince. J
How dare you! I am King…in all but the legal sense. Kneel before me insolent wretch!

Robin
I bow the knee to none but good King Richard.

Arachnid
You’ll pay for this!

Friar Tuck
(taps the chest with his sword) Me-thinks ‘you’ve’ just paid for it.

Robin and Merry Men laugh.

Prince. J
I’ll get even with you Hood, if it’s the last thing I ever do.

Little John
(points his sword him) Hold your tongue or it’ll be the last thing you ever say!

Sheriff
If you’re going to kill us, then get on with it! We’d rather die with dignity than live like cowards.

Prince. J
You speak for yourself Sheriff.

Robin
(to Sheriff) Unlike you Sheriff, I don’t kill people in cold blood. Now be off with you. (slaps Sheriff on the bottom with his sword)

Merry Men laugh.

Sheriff
(menacingly to Robin) We shall meet again Hood.

Robin
I look forward to it Sheriff. Especially if it turns out to be as profitable as this meeting. (to Merry Men) Eh lads?

Merry Men
Aye Robin! (all laugh)

The Sheriff and the Royal Party exit (SL)

Robin
Well men, another day in our struggle against tyranny ends in victory. But the fight will not be over until King Richard returns to England’s shores. And whilst we wait for that happy hour, we shall continue to uphold justice and defend the poor. With our hearts! 

Merry Men
(cheer) Our hearts!

Robin
Our minds!

Merry Men
(cheer) Our minds!

Robin
Our souls!

Merry Men
(cheer loudly) Our souls!

Music cue 11: Robin and Men. After song ends…Now let us away to our hideout, in Sherwood Forest!

Tuck and Scarlet pick up the chest and all exit (SR)

Blackout - cloth/tabs in - lights up.


Scene Two

Outside Nottingham Castle


Prince John, Queen Arachnid, Sheriff, Pokem and Guards enter (DSL) 

Prince. J
(wails) All our lovely loot…gone!

Arachnid
(comforting him) There, there dear. You can always raise their taxes and get it all back again.

Prince. J
I only want to enjoy the trappings and privileges of absolute monarchy, and live life in obscene luxury. Is that too much to ask?

Arachnid
Of course, not dear. 

Prince. J
(feeling his crown) See how well Richard’s crown sits upon my head. 

Pokem
It shows off your royal ears a treat, sire.

Sheriff
Shut up Pokem! (hits him)

Arachnid
(to Prince John) It’s about time that crown was sitting on your head permanently.

Prince. J
It soon will be. My spies inform me that Richard’s campaign is going badly, and it’s unlikely that he will return to England…alive. (laughs) Then nothing can prevent me from becoming King, apart from Richard’s brats that is.

Arachnid
Then we must get rid of them quickly. It makes me sick to see them running around the palace as though they own the place.

Pokem
But they do own it.

Sheriff
Mouth is open Pokem, should be shut. (hits him) 

Prince. J
But how shall we get rid of them?

Sheriff
I think I might have the answer sire.

Prince. J
(eyes light up) Oh yes? Do tell, sheriff.

Sheriff
I’ll get someone to kidnap them. Take them to the woods and then, ‘dispose’ of them. 

Pokem
(shocked) Dispose of two innocent little babes! But what have they ever done?

Prince. J
You mean, apart from standing in my way of a fortune and the crown of England?

Arachnid
But where can we find henchmen vicious enough to carry out such a dirty deed?

Sheriff
I have already found them your majesty. Come in, Bashem and Thumpem!

Music cue 12: Bashem and Thumpem enter (SR) hidden under hooded cloaks.

Sheriff    
(to Bashem & Thumpem) Why are you dressed like that?

Thumpem
We’ve come incognito.

Bashem
Have we? I thought we’d come in disguise.

Arachnid
(to Bashem & Thumpem) Reveal yourselves!

Bashem
We can’t do that! There’s kids in the audience!

Thumpem
That’s right. Besides somebody might see us.

Sheriff
I’m sure they’ll get over the shock. 

Prince. J
Show yourselves at once!

Bashem and Thumpem throw off their cloaks.

Sheriff
(to Bashem & Thumpem) Introduce yourselves to their majesties.

Bashem
I’m Bashem!

Thumpem
And I’m Thumpem!

Sheriff
Tell their majesties just how bad you are.

Bashem 
I’m vicious.

Thumpem
I’m worse.

Bashem 
I’m wicked

Thumpem
I curse.

Bashem
I’ll spit in your eye.

Thumpem
I’ll tweak your nose.

Bashem
I make babies cry.

Thumpem
Me too I suppose.

Prince. J
Congratulations Sheriff. I’ve never met such vile villains.

Bashem
Neither have we.

Thumpem
(to Sheriff) So what’s this job you want doing, Sheriff?

Sheriff
I want you to kidnap somebody.

Bashem
Easy-peasy.

Arachnid
Take them to the woods. 

Thumpem
No problem.

Prince. J
And dispose of them!

Bash/Thump 
(aghast) Dispose of them!

Bashem
What do you think we are?

Pokem
(counts off on fingers) Nasty-vicious-wicked-villains.

Thumpem
Just checking.

Bashem
So, who is it then?

Arachnid
It’s two ‘its’.

Thumpem
(to Bashem) Who’s she calling, ‘twits’?

Prince. J
She means, there are two people to be kidnapped and disposed of.

Bashem
That’ll cost double our usual rate.

Arachnid
What about a royal discount?

Thumpem
Okay, we’ll do two for the price of three.

Prince. J
It’s a deal.

Bashem
(to Thumpem) Now we just need to think of a plan.

Sheriff    
I already have a plan, so it’ll save you both thinking-time.

Thumpem
That won’t save us thinking-time.

Pokem
Why not?

Bashem
‘Cos we never think.

Prince. J
You will disguise yourselves as schoolchildren and join the village school. 

Thumpem
What for? They can’t teach us anything.

Bashem
No. We went to school for years and never learnt a thing.

Arachnid
That’s pretty obvious.

Prince. J
(to Bashem & Thumpem) I don’t want you to learn anything!

Thumpem
Then why are you sending us to school?

Prince. J
I’m sending you there to kidnap the royal babes.

Bashem
You want us to kidnap and dispose of the royal babes?

Arachnid
Yes!

Thumpem
Forget it. Even we could never do such a dastardly deed. Never ever.

Bashem
Ever never.

Thumpem
Can’t do it.

Bashem
Won’t do it.

Thumpem
No chance.

Bashem
Not in a million years.

Pokem
Is that your final answer, or would you like to ask the audience?

Thumpem
Nope. Our minds are made up.

Arachnid
Made up of what?

Prince. J
I’ll pay you fifty gold crowns each.

Bash/Thump
Done!

Sheriff
(to Bashem & Thumpem) School starts at nine…be there!

All bar Bashem and Thumpem exit (SL)

Bashem
I’m taking something for teacher.

Thumpem
(gleefully) A bomb?

Bashem 
No, an apple.

Thumpem
(taunting him) Teacher’s pet!

Bashem
I’m not!

Thumpem 
(chants) Teacher’s pet! Teachers pet! 

Bashem
Shut up!

They exit (SL) arguing and pushing and shoving each other.


Robin Hood And The Babes In The Wood

  • Product Code: Robinhoodbabesinwood
  • Availability: In Stock
  • £40.00


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