Cheapside London

Music cue 3: Chorus/Londoners: After song ends…

Chorus move back upstage.

Fitzwarren and Alice enter (SR)

Alice

What a wonderful morning father!

Fitzwarren

How can you say that Alice, when the whole of London is gripped by a plague of rats?

A rat runs on (SR) and chases the chorus off (SL)

Chorus

Aaaah!

Fitzwarren

You see? That’s exactly what I’m talking about. It’s making everyone’s life miserable.

Alice

I know father, but we mustn’t let it get us down. Otherwise King Rat will have won the day.

Fitzwarren

We employed the scoundrel to rid the city of vermin. Instead he proclaimed himself king of the rats, and organised them against us. And all because we wouldn’t make him mayor of London.

Alice

Do you have to set sail for Morocco this week father?

Fitzwarren

Yes Alice. Our shop is losing money hand over fist. The rats keep breaking into the stores, and are eating us out of house and home. Which is why I have invested everything I own in this trip. The sultan of Morocco has placed an order with us for five hundred barrels of our finest treacle.

Alice

Will it make you enough to retire on?

Fitzwarren

No, but it’ll see us through a sticky patch. Now let’s go inside and see what’s for breakfast.

Both exit (SR) Sarah enters (SL)

Sarah

(sings) #Oh what a beautiful morning# (spots the audience) Oh hello! What a lot of onlookers we have today. There must be something exciting about to happen. And it sure as heck isn’t this show. I know, it must be the lord mayor’s parade. Either that or lady Godiva’s protesting against the council tax again. Oh she is a brazen hussy. I don’t know how she gets away with it. Mind you, she always manages to get a rebate. When I tried it everyone just laughed at my ass. Maybe I should have ridden on a horse instead.

Fitzwarren and Alice enter (SR)

Fitzwarren

Ah, there you are Sarah. What time are we having breakfast?

Sarah

Well I don’t know what time you’re having yours, but I’ve already had mine.

Fitzwarren

I didn’t see you having breakfast!

Sarah

Well you wouldn’t would you? Not unless you were in McDonalds first thing this morning.

Alice

Did you have a big mac?

Sarah

No. I wore a small pink jacket.

Fitzwarren

Well now you’re back you can make us something to eat?

Sarah

Sorry. But there’s nothing in the pantry.

Alice

What!? But I went shopping at (local supermarket) only yesterday.

Sarah

Yes. And the rats went shopping last night.

Fitzwarren

Oh no not again! And I’m starving!

Sarah

I’ve managed to salvage a few bits and pieces. I could try and scrape something together for you. What would you like?

Fitzwarren

I’ll have two rashers of bacon burnt to a crisp, an egg boiled so hard you’d need a hacksaw to get the top off, a slice of blackened toast, and a cup of tea that tastes like sludge.

Sarah

I can’t make you a breakfast like that!

Fitzwarren

Why not? You managed it yesterday.

A rat runs across stage.

Sarah

When are you going to do something about all these rats?

Fitzwarren

I’ve tried everything from traps to poison. The traps didn’t work, and we’ve run out of poison.

Sarah

Have you tried Boots?

Fitzwarren

I want to poison them. Not kick em to death.

Jack enter (SL) carrying a small bag.

Idle Jack

Eh-up, it’s like a line-up for a spaghetti western.

Alice

What do you mean?

Jack points to Alice, Fitzwarren and Sarah.

Idle Jack

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Fitzwarren

Where have you been?

Idle Jack

I’ve just been having a lie down, I’m knackered after all that packing I had to do ready for your trip to Morocco.

Fitzwarren

Did you manage to stay awake long enough to pack my trunks?

Idle Jack

Yes (hands the bag to Fitzwarren) here they are.

Fitzwarren

(takes out a pair of swimming trunks) Swimming trunks? I meant my sea trunks you twit!

Idle Jack

You can use them in the sea!

Sarah

It beats me why alderman Fitzwarren ever employed you?

Fitzwarren

You said you needed a short order cook.

Sarah

Yes, and look what I got. Someone with a short order brain.

Fitzwarren

If you want a job doing properly, do it yourself.

Fitzwarren exits muttering (SR)

Alice

How come you’re so good at being lazy, Jack?

Idle Jack

Well you know what they say, practice makes perfect.

Sarah

And you’ve had plenty of practice.

Idle Jack

I don’t know why everyone’s got it in for me. I work hard I do.

Sarah

Oh yes? Name one job you had before we employed you?

Idle Jack

I used to be a tree-feller in the Sahara.

Sarah

But there aren’t any trees in the Sahara!

Idle Jack

Well not anymore there aren’t. And before that I was a painter and decorator. But I got sacked when my boss caught me painting a kitchen wearing two Macintoshes.

Alice

Why were you wearing two Macintoshes?

Idle Jack

Because it said on the tin, for best results use two coats. I got my own back on him though. When he fell asleep at lunchtime I shaved his eyebrows off.

Alice

I’ll bet he was surprised when he woke up.

Idle Jack

Yes but you couldn’t tell (to audience) Think about it.